Friday, April 5, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--33
Mom decided to make an angel food cake for my Bible study. I thought it was silly, as if I or she owed the group anything. But then an email from my sister Nancy convinced me that this would be a good project for Mom.
So she couldn't find her cookbook. I went to WalMart to get some ingredients and search the internet for a recipe. I found one and Mom is in the kitchen acting like she was 30 years younger. This gives her something to do, and that has been missing in her life for the last few years.
She has the radio on a top-40 station, she's cracking eggs, pouring extract, twirling flour in a bowl and doing what she probably did 50 years ago. I think she might be happy. But what is extract of tartar? You know how hard it is to find that? It was like finding Dr. Livingstone in the jungle. But with the help of two employees I found it.
The angel food cake was a fiasco. It tasted like lemony sheetrock. It fell and I'm glad. I put too much cream of tartar in it. The cream burst through the top of the cake like a volcano erupting.
Then Mom was tired of being with me. When she tires of my matter-of-fact ways, she does things to offend me intentionally. It's her way of shoving me away. So we disagreed about whether she could drive her car. So I said, 'Fine. Drive it, see if you can.'
She drove, with me in the passenger seat. She nearly broke some guy's leg. That convinced her that she cannot drive any more. We did not speak for a couple of hours. Then Mom realized she had not done the right thing, so gradually we made up. We walked around the apartment property, grudgingly talking out our desire to get along and forgive.
She admitted that she should have listened to me and I said it was all right, just another day in Paradise. My brother's daughter and granddaughter are coming over in an hour. This is just what Mom needs. I need to back out of her day.
Tonight is my Bible study and I need it to get away.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--32
Mom stayed in bed longer than she should have. I criticized her for this, harshly. So I backed out of the room, leaving the light on, thinking maybe I should have been easier. I probably should be.
So after going to WalMart I stayed out of the kitchen. She came in the kitchen, ate the cereal we eat every day by herself. I must say in her defense, my mother does not hold grudges. She probably should, but she forgives as easily as anyone I know.
So when she ate well, I brought some fruit and apple juice for lunch. We had chicken strips, swiss cheese and apple juice. She ate well, as if this morning's disagreement hadn't happened. I can learn a lot from the way she conducted herself.
It is this afternoon; I went to the exercise room for an hour. She is asleep now as it is 125pm. I will not go to work this week, but next Monday I will have to decide whether to tell my employer I am retiring. I really don't like the company, but I do need to work.
This winter in Dallas, the weather has been remarkably nice. Cool, about 50 degrees, windy as usual, but certainly not cold. I sat outside by the pool, feeling the cool breeze, hearing the waterfall by the pool, relaxing.
When I came back, Mom was awake. She said she wanted to get on the stationary bicycle, although she's said this before. I gave her a vanilla cookie just for having a positive attitude and so she won't have to try to sneak cookies by me.
Then an hour later, she did get on the stationary bicycle--! For about 15 minutes. I offered her one of her favorite chocolate cookies--and she turned it down--! Now this is progress.
We had a good dinner, a good day.
Yesterday was a good enough day to make me think through my decision to retire. I'd like to have the money I was earning, but that would mean leaving Mom alone for 8 hours.
I don't want to go back to the same company I was with before. The work is boring, and it is far from where I now live. But I'd like to work. So I have to decide if I can leave Mom alone 5 days a week, for 8 hours.
My brother wants me to retire, to stay here so we don't have to move Mom to a retirement home. Moving her would mean moving all of her furniture, possessions, etc., moving her, and then me getting a job and an apartment. It would mean considerable stress on him and me, considerable dislocation, all kinds of talk between him and his wife. He has three difficult daughters to deal with, already.
But I'm 63 years old, not easy to get another job. Maybe I could strike it rich in the lottery. If I decide to retire I'll have to put the word out to my friends that I am not working, something might come up.
Right now I am spending more time away from Mom than I usually do. I have been to the bank, to get the car inspected, and the bookstore. Mom got up reluctantly at 10am. She did eat breakfast by herself and now she is laying on her sofa chair, maybe sleeping now that I am not there or watching tv about the pope.
I should be back with her around 1am. I don't know if this is a trend toward spending more time away from her, or this is just an exception. I have to admit I do like this not-having-a-job, living in the rich part of town, doing these errands for both of us. It's like being retired. But how long will this last? And when do I get bored?
Mom stayed in bed longer than she should have. I criticized her for this, harshly. So I backed out of the room, leaving the light on, thinking maybe I should have been easier. I probably should be.
So after going to WalMart I stayed out of the kitchen. She came in the kitchen, ate the cereal we eat every day by herself. I must say in her defense, my mother does not hold grudges. She probably should, but she forgives as easily as anyone I know.
So when she ate well, I brought some fruit and apple juice for lunch. We had chicken strips, swiss cheese and apple juice. She ate well, as if this morning's disagreement hadn't happened. I can learn a lot from the way she conducted herself.
It is this afternoon; I went to the exercise room for an hour. She is asleep now as it is 125pm. I will not go to work this week, but next Monday I will have to decide whether to tell my employer I am retiring. I really don't like the company, but I do need to work.
This winter in Dallas, the weather has been remarkably nice. Cool, about 50 degrees, windy as usual, but certainly not cold. I sat outside by the pool, feeling the cool breeze, hearing the waterfall by the pool, relaxing.
When I came back, Mom was awake. She said she wanted to get on the stationary bicycle, although she's said this before. I gave her a vanilla cookie just for having a positive attitude and so she won't have to try to sneak cookies by me.
Then an hour later, she did get on the stationary bicycle--! For about 15 minutes. I offered her one of her favorite chocolate cookies--and she turned it down--! Now this is progress.
We had a good dinner, a good day.
Yesterday was a good enough day to make me think through my decision to retire. I'd like to have the money I was earning, but that would mean leaving Mom alone for 8 hours.
I don't want to go back to the same company I was with before. The work is boring, and it is far from where I now live. But I'd like to work. So I have to decide if I can leave Mom alone 5 days a week, for 8 hours.
My brother wants me to retire, to stay here so we don't have to move Mom to a retirement home. Moving her would mean moving all of her furniture, possessions, etc., moving her, and then me getting a job and an apartment. It would mean considerable stress on him and me, considerable dislocation, all kinds of talk between him and his wife. He has three difficult daughters to deal with, already.
But I'm 63 years old, not easy to get another job. Maybe I could strike it rich in the lottery. If I decide to retire I'll have to put the word out to my friends that I am not working, something might come up.
Right now I am spending more time away from Mom than I usually do. I have been to the bank, to get the car inspected, and the bookstore. Mom got up reluctantly at 10am. She did eat breakfast by herself and now she is laying on her sofa chair, maybe sleeping now that I am not there or watching tv about the pope.
I should be back with her around 1am. I don't know if this is a trend toward spending more time away from her, or this is just an exception. I have to admit I do like this not-having-a-job, living in the rich part of town, doing these errands for both of us. It's like being retired. But how long will this last? And when do I get bored?
COMING TOGETHER--31
Today has come. Mom had a short night. She was up and down, and is sleeping without any clothes on; she knows I think this is wrong with what her body does at night. I won't argue the point, I'll just let her mistakes show up on the sheets.
I called my brother last night about what happened. We agreed that I might have to quit my job. We agreed that we need to sell my Lincoln Mark 8 and use her little Honda only. Her car is a lease, so we will have to turn it back in at some point.
As of 815am she is still sleeping although she might not be asleep.
I had errands to run. When I came back, she had eaten some breakfast so I brought her the favorite breakfast: the McDonalds egg and sausage muffin. This was a popular move.
She was in good spirits, so I went to WalMart with a shopping list. When I came back we put the stuff up and I gave Mom some ice cream. She wasn't greedy about it, but it did hit the spot.
The day is grey, overcast, sticky humid for March and mild. We are staying inside today. I told Mom she had to watch out for any internal blood flow due to her fall last night. She has been co-operating about this.
This day is better but we spend so much time in here that the boredom builds up until she cannot overcome it. If she is plotting some way to get around what I'm doing, tomorrow would be the day to pull it off. I know she can call a cab when I'm not here; I know she can get away with things she knows I don't like but the effects of what she does comes back at her.
I'll just have to pray that she stays with what makes her life easy.
This is Sunday. I was going to go to church without her, but maybe the desire to be with other women and not just me encourages her to get up. She got up and dressed in 30 minutes--a new record--so we went to church. She forgot to put her teeth in but we were out the door, anyway.
Church was good, a new program called Church Without Walls, and a new style of worship was probably good for everyone.
When we came back and mom got her teeth in (!), we went to the Corner Bakery for breakfast. They served big breakfasts, so Mom got to eat well. I then rewarded her with a little ice cream and 2 chocoloate cookies. She was thrilled. I thought I could do so because she ate so well, there was plenty of nutrition in her body.
I expect her to sleep this afternoon.
I hope she gets the message. If she eats well and gets around some, I will reward her. To be honest, I would rather she be in Presbyterian Village with plenty of people like her and lots of social activity. But that may not be feasable now.
Maybe tomorrow.
Today has come. Mom had a short night. She was up and down, and is sleeping without any clothes on; she knows I think this is wrong with what her body does at night. I won't argue the point, I'll just let her mistakes show up on the sheets.
I called my brother last night about what happened. We agreed that I might have to quit my job. We agreed that we need to sell my Lincoln Mark 8 and use her little Honda only. Her car is a lease, so we will have to turn it back in at some point.
As of 815am she is still sleeping although she might not be asleep.
I had errands to run. When I came back, she had eaten some breakfast so I brought her the favorite breakfast: the McDonalds egg and sausage muffin. This was a popular move.
She was in good spirits, so I went to WalMart with a shopping list. When I came back we put the stuff up and I gave Mom some ice cream. She wasn't greedy about it, but it did hit the spot.
The day is grey, overcast, sticky humid for March and mild. We are staying inside today. I told Mom she had to watch out for any internal blood flow due to her fall last night. She has been co-operating about this.
This day is better but we spend so much time in here that the boredom builds up until she cannot overcome it. If she is plotting some way to get around what I'm doing, tomorrow would be the day to pull it off. I know she can call a cab when I'm not here; I know she can get away with things she knows I don't like but the effects of what she does comes back at her.
I'll just have to pray that she stays with what makes her life easy.
This is Sunday. I was going to go to church without her, but maybe the desire to be with other women and not just me encourages her to get up. She got up and dressed in 30 minutes--a new record--so we went to church. She forgot to put her teeth in but we were out the door, anyway.
Church was good, a new program called Church Without Walls, and a new style of worship was probably good for everyone.
When we came back and mom got her teeth in (!), we went to the Corner Bakery for breakfast. They served big breakfasts, so Mom got to eat well. I then rewarded her with a little ice cream and 2 chocoloate cookies. She was thrilled. I thought I could do so because she ate so well, there was plenty of nutrition in her body.
I expect her to sleep this afternoon.
I hope she gets the message. If she eats well and gets around some, I will reward her. To be honest, I would rather she be in Presbyterian Village with plenty of people like her and lots of social activity. But that may not be feasable now.
Maybe tomorrow.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--30
Today is Friday. I am up early, taking out the garbage. Mom is asleep. I'm trying to get my throat well enough to get Dr. Drum's permission to go back to work.
I have been going to the exercise room nearly every day now. I think it has helped me a great deal.
As far as her body is concerned, Mom is no better and no worse than before. She doesn't seem to be aging in the short term, but just the same every day. I'm sure that my making her eat breakfast every day has helped her body recover.
But her memory is a little worse every day. She has forgotten to pay bills and made checks out she forgot about. This may mean that her brain cells are shutting down and at some point they will stop sending messages to her bodily function.
She woke herself up and ate well. Now she is laying down watching stupid TV shows. We don't have any special thing to do today. We're laying around like cats on a summer day.
But this afternoon, while I was out doing errands she got herself drunk. She's depressed and lonely. Last week the drug to kick her up was chocolate; now it is wine. We had a good dinner, but she kept sipping wine. So after dinner she fell down on her own. I don't think she has bruised anything or broken anything, but she couldn't get herself up. She tried to get up by taking her pants and underwear off. That didn't work. I had to pick her up, naked as she was. I had to make her go to her bathroom to put some sort of clothes on before she got into bed.
She was remorseful. She knows that getting drunk does not make her less lonely. She slept for an hour, then got up on her own, seemingly back to the way she should be. She came out of her bedroom for a drink in the kitchen. She seems to have recovered. Now I find out she cannot control her urine movements; there are urine trails on the bedroom carpet.
I may have to quit my job to take care of her. I don't want to quit the job but my mother needs care 18 hours a day. We can work out the money, but this is such a drain on me. I don't know how bad my mother's bodily situation is or how to rate it. I will have to talk to some people about it.
Today is Friday. I am up early, taking out the garbage. Mom is asleep. I'm trying to get my throat well enough to get Dr. Drum's permission to go back to work.
I have been going to the exercise room nearly every day now. I think it has helped me a great deal.
As far as her body is concerned, Mom is no better and no worse than before. She doesn't seem to be aging in the short term, but just the same every day. I'm sure that my making her eat breakfast every day has helped her body recover.
But her memory is a little worse every day. She has forgotten to pay bills and made checks out she forgot about. This may mean that her brain cells are shutting down and at some point they will stop sending messages to her bodily function.
She woke herself up and ate well. Now she is laying down watching stupid TV shows. We don't have any special thing to do today. We're laying around like cats on a summer day.
But this afternoon, while I was out doing errands she got herself drunk. She's depressed and lonely. Last week the drug to kick her up was chocolate; now it is wine. We had a good dinner, but she kept sipping wine. So after dinner she fell down on her own. I don't think she has bruised anything or broken anything, but she couldn't get herself up. She tried to get up by taking her pants and underwear off. That didn't work. I had to pick her up, naked as she was. I had to make her go to her bathroom to put some sort of clothes on before she got into bed.
She was remorseful. She knows that getting drunk does not make her less lonely. She slept for an hour, then got up on her own, seemingly back to the way she should be. She came out of her bedroom for a drink in the kitchen. She seems to have recovered. Now I find out she cannot control her urine movements; there are urine trails on the bedroom carpet.
I may have to quit my job to take care of her. I don't want to quit the job but my mother needs care 18 hours a day. We can work out the money, but this is such a drain on me. I don't know how bad my mother's bodily situation is or how to rate it. I will have to talk to some people about it.
Friday, March 29, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--29
Today is Wednesday. I feel much better. I feel good enough to go to work, although my mother will probably object to that.
I'm going to go to Baylor Plano to get a doctor who will follow up on my condition. The issue behind all of this is what caused the breakdown in my immune system. I don't know.
Meanwhile, my mother is doing okay, but lazy. Yesterday she did nothing but lay around and eat chocolate. I will see if she wants to go with me to Baylor Plano; I expect that she will just to socialize with her doctors.
Sometimes I think my mother being in some sort of care facility would make her interact with others more than she does, make her get up and walk around more than she does. I need more time away from her than I've had lately.
This is Thursday. Yesterday for dinner Mom ate nearly nothing but ice cream and cookies. So overnight she slept 13 hours. She didn't want to get out of bed. I had to turn on the light to interfere with her laziness and make her get up. She did eat well, but she's lost something.
I believe all that sugar is effecting her. She claimed I was talking with someone this morning when I was not. She's in one of her, I can do whatever I want, moods. I know I can't oppose her as actively as I'd like to, as it doesn't get through to her.
I'm feeling better everyday. But as I get better that makes me different from Mom more and more. As I as healthier she becomes slower, losing whatever she had yesterday. The contrast between us gets greater and I want to leave this situation, even though I know I can't. So I have to put my life down again and again.
Today is Wednesday. I feel much better. I feel good enough to go to work, although my mother will probably object to that.
I'm going to go to Baylor Plano to get a doctor who will follow up on my condition. The issue behind all of this is what caused the breakdown in my immune system. I don't know.
Meanwhile, my mother is doing okay, but lazy. Yesterday she did nothing but lay around and eat chocolate. I will see if she wants to go with me to Baylor Plano; I expect that she will just to socialize with her doctors.
Sometimes I think my mother being in some sort of care facility would make her interact with others more than she does, make her get up and walk around more than she does. I need more time away from her than I've had lately.
This is Thursday. Yesterday for dinner Mom ate nearly nothing but ice cream and cookies. So overnight she slept 13 hours. She didn't want to get out of bed. I had to turn on the light to interfere with her laziness and make her get up. She did eat well, but she's lost something.
I believe all that sugar is effecting her. She claimed I was talking with someone this morning when I was not. She's in one of her, I can do whatever I want, moods. I know I can't oppose her as actively as I'd like to, as it doesn't get through to her.
I'm feeling better everyday. But as I get better that makes me different from Mom more and more. As I as healthier she becomes slower, losing whatever she had yesterday. The contrast between us gets greater and I want to leave this situation, even though I know I can't. So I have to put my life down again and again.
COMING TOGETHER--27
Now Sunday morning has passed. We went to Mom's church, which is Presbyterian. The people are nice enough, but is that sufficient? Is that even what God wants? I certainly can't go on through the week on that alone. I have to have some degree of spirituality.
I don't think I got it this morning.
So I went by myself to an Episcopal church. The place is quite ornate in an old European style church. The liturgy is long, with spoken parts written out centuries ago.
It makes me wonder how worship affects people. The Presbyterian worship is humanly minimal, with an emphasis on what the people in the community are like; the Episcopal liturgy is so set the people seem distant.
Meanwhile, my mother went to lunch with my brother's daughter's fiance. They seemed to have a decent time, talking about their latest doings and goings. I couldn't live like that, trading church for a restaurant. But was I any better? I don't know.
At least I got away from my mother for a few hours. I sat in my car, wondering who I am, what I am, nearly dozing off a few times. My caring for her was like falling down so deep into a mine shaft that when I got back to the surface, I didn't know what it was.
This is existence, this is breathing, but who am I?
COMING TOGETHER--28
Well, now, you'll never guess what happened. I developed a throat infection and temperature.
My mother panicked. She called my brother to take us to the hospital, where I was examined. I didn't have pneumonia or the flu, but I had a yeast infection and inflammation of my throat.
I had been saying, if this is my last day on earth I have fulfilled the opportunities God has given me; I have made out my will; I'm ready to go. But God said no.
Now I have joined the pill generation. Two medications, one for my mouth and one for my throat. I am tired.
Eating is an ordeal. It takes great pain to swallow any food so I have to have eggs and soup and water. No matter what it is, the pain of swallowing is great. But I have to eat, I have to do the best I can.
Now Sunday morning has passed. We went to Mom's church, which is Presbyterian. The people are nice enough, but is that sufficient? Is that even what God wants? I certainly can't go on through the week on that alone. I have to have some degree of spirituality.
I don't think I got it this morning.
So I went by myself to an Episcopal church. The place is quite ornate in an old European style church. The liturgy is long, with spoken parts written out centuries ago.
It makes me wonder how worship affects people. The Presbyterian worship is humanly minimal, with an emphasis on what the people in the community are like; the Episcopal liturgy is so set the people seem distant.
Meanwhile, my mother went to lunch with my brother's daughter's fiance. They seemed to have a decent time, talking about their latest doings and goings. I couldn't live like that, trading church for a restaurant. But was I any better? I don't know.
At least I got away from my mother for a few hours. I sat in my car, wondering who I am, what I am, nearly dozing off a few times. My caring for her was like falling down so deep into a mine shaft that when I got back to the surface, I didn't know what it was.
This is existence, this is breathing, but who am I?
COMING TOGETHER--28
Well, now, you'll never guess what happened. I developed a throat infection and temperature.
My mother panicked. She called my brother to take us to the hospital, where I was examined. I didn't have pneumonia or the flu, but I had a yeast infection and inflammation of my throat.
I had been saying, if this is my last day on earth I have fulfilled the opportunities God has given me; I have made out my will; I'm ready to go. But God said no.
Now I have joined the pill generation. Two medications, one for my mouth and one for my throat. I am tired.
Eating is an ordeal. It takes great pain to swallow any food so I have to have eggs and soup and water. No matter what it is, the pain of swallowing is great. But I have to eat, I have to do the best I can.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--24
Today I did some errands early. When I returned Mom was up but not dressed. She still is not dressed. When I do favors for her she gets lazy. So I am avoiding her right now.
She received two calls, the second one for lunch tomorrow with somebody else. Thank God. I can get away from this apartment. The only thing to do here is eat and sleep.
The bed I'm sleeping in is killing my back. It was made to support my mother'ss 120+ pounds, not my 240+ pounds. We will have to get another bed. Right now I'm laying down on the floor, which helps more than anything.
I'm going to ask God to go before me and do things for me. To be perfectly honest, this arrangement bores me and discourages me. I'm not Mr. Relationship.
I wish I could come up with some reason for leaving the apartment early for work, but there isn't one right now.
COMING TOGETHER--25
Today I confronted Mom over her driving. I said if she's going to drive, she doesn't need me much any more. I told her I don't want to stay here for a year; maybe 6 months but not a year.
Her apartment is crowded to the max; there is something on every square inch of tables, chairs, sofas, closets, you name it. It's all right for her but for me it's like living in a phone booth.
So I told her, 'Do you want to drive by yourself, or don't you?'
She said she'd think about it.
I have to work 8 hours, 5 days now so I won't be here as much as I've been. Can she take care of herself, or not?
I don't want to live in her apartment but it is saving me money.
She didn't give any answer right away, which I took to mean she doesn't want to make an answer. She might have presumed I was going to be here for a year. She is not dressed as this is 12 noon.
+++
After thinking about it, Mom doesn't want me to leave. I suppose it would be disruption but I cannot go on living her life and not my own. I need to get away from her and caring for her but not myself. Tomorrow is Sunday.
COMING TOGETHER--26
Now my brother's daughter's fiance` called. He wanted to take Mom out to breakfast, but we are going to church. So Mom said they could come by after church. I agreed because I was driving at the time.
But I'm not going out with them. I'm glad they're coming for her; I need to get away from her and from them. I don't know what I will do tomorrow but I think I have to get away from them all.
Care giving is martyrdom. You live someone else's life, at least for a few hours. But the caregiver gets to go home; I don't.
So I need to get away. I wish I had a girlfriend or my Dad. I need to have a life, but I won't have one going on like this. I really miss myself. And yet, I can't say I have dug in with anyone. I can only say, I am no one by myself, I am partially no one with others.
I'm tired of living someone else's or tagging along after someone else. It's like living in a foreign country, you never quite fit, you can never quite relax.
I myself am looking for a life. This seems to be the theme underlying me as I take care of my mother. She soaks me up, I become a drained cup. I often wish I were somewhere else, someone else but that cannot be. I am festering man.
This life I lead is boring and meaningless. My mother and I live in a part of Dallas which is all shops, restaurants, places to spend and then leave. There are homes around here, for young families who eventually will go off somewhere else. If you just want to spend, fine. But what if you want a life that has some satisfaction, as I do? Then, nothing but traffic.
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