COMING TOGETHER--51

This is Friday morning. Mom did not eat her dinner last night. This hurts me because I had come to the point of nearly trusting her. Now I have to consider the fact that her lying to me has not ended. I have to go back to not trusting her. And this is near the time when my schedule is going to change. I will have to go to work at noon, coming home at 830pm. Now I will have to go to work nervous about what she will do.

I just pray she will be co-operative about breakfast. She is awake, I know but lying in bed. Yesterday she wanted to lie in bed and watch tv before 9am. I know her energy is weakening slowly, but should I make her get up or just let her lie?

My fears will not allow me to just let her lie there, but I know in my mind she will not get better. She will only age. I wish she were in a home so I could get some rest from the stress of her, but that's not going to happen. As Fr. Don said, this is a road I will have to travel alone.

As of Sunday, Mom is back to her old tricks of eating sweets all day and saying she isn't hungry. She stuffs more sweets down her throat than real food. She begs for ice cream and then eats it all afternoon long.

This is a constant struggle. I think it is because she is depressed. As I've said, I'd like to put her in a retirement home where they would make her eat two good meals a day. With me, she is up to this continual manipulation game over sweets. I get tired of this. I get tired of her. I'm not qualified to live with her and be her nurse and guardian. Real nurses get to go home, they get weekends off but I don't.

She refused to get out of bed before 10am, so I went to church without her. She was dressed when I got back. We went out to eat, but all she did was eat jelly and jam on her toast and drink coffee with sugar in it. She said she couldn't eat anymore and then she came home to stuff herself all afternoon long with snacks.

I suppose I have to put up with this from now on.

COMING TOGETHER--49

This morning, everything went well. We went to the dentist for me and it was not painful--until we got the $815 bill! Mom and I paid for it. Now I am taking her to her surgeon.

Actually I have to say Mom is doing all right. She has been easier to get along with than she has for some time. Her dementia is gradual, little by little. She sees very little. I think maybe something might happen in the next few weeks to change our routine, although I don't know what it might be.

Her surgeon says she is deteriorating at a slow rate. Her main aorta should be 3 inches wide on the inside but it is about 1/2 inch and shrinking. He has surgery options but they all are open heart options which he doesn't want to do right now. He did recommend calcium.

I think Mom has been lying to me about taking her nasal spray, so I will see what the truth is tonight. I got us dinner at Subway, which she ate well. I gave her the nose spray. I don't think she ever does the spray if I'm not there. I'm not sure she'd ever do a good dinner without me to get it.

She walked around the apartments twice today. I know this wears her out, so when she said she was sleeping in, I realized how little exercise she can get.

Now it is Wednesday morning. She has slept all night and I don't expect her up till around 10am. I'm going to have to make her take her allergy pill at that time. I've been up since 7, getting dry cleaning and laundry to the right places. It is cold and raining.

　

COMING TOGETHER--50

This is Thursday morning. Mom didn't want to get out of bed. I was afraid this might mean something, so maybe my urgency against her lying in bed made an impression on her to get up. She always says she's 'all right,' even if that isn't always the case.

So I got the laundry, tossing it down on her bed while she was still in it. I went away to do some work on the internet at a bookstore's open wifi, and when I came back Mom was up. She was dressed and had eaten a pear and had some milk.

I brough a breakfast sandwich from McDonalds with her favorite coffee. She was up and in positive spirits. So I tried to be positive with her at the breakfast table.

My fears were probably false. I have to respect the fact she is 92 years old. I have to accept the fact that she likes lying in bed all day, whereas I don't. It was probably good that I got her up, but I need to not panic. The trouble is I have no experience at knowing when my mother is in trouble and when she isn't.

Now as I write this, she is in the other room, in her easy chair reading one of her magazines. I know she will fall asleep soon, but that doesn't bother me as much as her laying in bed so long.

This afternoon, before I drive to work, the apartments is having a $5 pizza offer. That's what I will have for dinner.

COMING TOGETHER--48

This Sunday I overslept, so as soon as I woke up Mom said, 'The tables have turned!' A touch of sarcasm, but I think she is weary of being told what to do by me. I am tired of telling her what to do. I'm tired of living her life instead of mine. But here we are.

I got dressed in a hurry for church. The service was crummy. Two young women were trying to act out church leadership without the gifts to do so. The sermon didn't have anything I could use to get through the week. Mom said the sermon wandered. But we did have communion.

We ate at a place called The Egg and I. We had to wait a long time, Sunday crowd. I was getting frustrated at this. Mom and I didn't say much during lunch. We both needed sleep when we came home.

I think both of us are tired of the other. She is tired of being limited by her blindness and old age. I am tired of taking care of her when I'd like to be living my life. I'm 63, these are my last years, but insted of doing things I'd like to have done all my life, I am taking care of her. It's somewhat like taking care of a baby, she is so slow, she can do so little for herself.

Now it is the afternoon. Mom is sleeping as she has most of the afternoon. She will have to take her pill soon. I will have to go to work soon. Another week of nights and then I go on the day shift. I have some trepidation about this but it will give me some relief from the stress of doing this.

COMING TOGETHER--47

Today is Friday. I have spoken with Pam Jurlina and exchanged emails with her. She knows I need to get away from my mother. Last night I had to depend on Mom to eat the dinner I put out and she did. Excellent! And I had to depend on her to take her pill, which she doesn't like, and it seems she did--excellent.

I hope this means the coughing is over. I know she won't want to take the pill again, so I'll see how this goes. But now she says she will take the pill until the bottle is empty. Maybe her attitude is improving and I need to recognize this.

Friday night, her neighbor Diane came over to visit with Mom. Diane is about 53 years old, a computer consultant who has dated the same guy for 30 years--is this weird, or what? She's a tiny cute girl, possibly lonely or possibly she just doesn't relate. Anyway, she stayed a long time, longer that Mom wanted her to stay. I thought that was great, it gave me some relief from the responsibility.

On Saturday we went to get Mom's hair done and then to El Fenix afterward. That was a hit. But now my company wants me to come back to the afternoon shift--12 to 8pm. This means Mom would be on her own all afternoon and I would have to trust her to eat and stay away from the car.

Right now I have the car. Her coughing is over, she seems to be dependable but who knows? She seems to be recovering. I don't know where this will lead. Her driver's license is out of date. The apartment has some social activities for warmer weather. If I work this new schedule, that changes the outlook of everything. Now it is Saturday night.

COMING TOGETHER--46

It is Monday. We went to the dentist, who said Mom's inflammation was nothing serious. We ate at The Egg and I, restaurant, and we got breakfast there. It was good and light.

Now we are at home, getting caught up on the forms Mom needs to pay her taxes. She is looking for another form for her utility bills. She cannot see much of anything but her attitude is noticeably better.

I can see that she is recovering in some areas, but failing in eyesight and hearing. Her memory is gradually eroding but not in all areas.

I am tired and probably somewhat sick from the stress and fatifue of what I'm doing. I took a 2 hour nap today because I needed it so bad. I can't really ever relax living with my mother; there's too much ego between us. I'd like to have a day away from her, but I can't do that just yet.

On Tuesday, we went to the dentist for me. The cost was $853 which I will pay out by a plan, now that I am working. Then I took Mom to a clinic where they examined her for her cough and running nose. They gave her two prescriptions after a long wait. She was patient, but that may be because she seems weaker than before. Today she ate a small amount of cereal, she refused lunch, and we will see if she eats for dinner.

I don't like for her to eat so little, but maybe she is just weakening with age. I try to put her in God's hands, hoping she will recover but I know she has lived a long life and it is time to go. I just don't know when. So I pray.

Now it is Thursday. We have had a good week. Mom is coughing often with this allergy stuffing her throat, but she does have two medications. They are working but they take a few days. In the meantime, she suffers with getting up in the night coughing.

Her attitude is good through all of this.

I have learned that old folks do sleep a lot and eat very little. That's normal, so I have to accept what she's doing as all right.

She is actually doing quite well for a person her age, and I have to keep that in mind.

COMING TOGETHER--45

I thought she had given up driving--in her mind--but I was wrong. Yesterday she said she could drive again, but I said 'no.' She didn't argue the point any more, maybe because I keep reminding her of when she last drove she nearly hit a pedestrian right in front of her.

Her license is expired, and cut along the top, meaning she can't drive at night. If she confronts me about driving I will refuse. But as long as her car is there in the garage, she will want to drive.

She thinks she is getting better, but she isn't. She has not got any worse, as long as I am here to tell her what day it is and what she should do. Her vision is bad, her hearing is noticeably worse, her mind is in the first stages of dementia. But her heart and digestion systems are all right. In fact, they are good for her age.

But I don't believe she can't be left alone.

I am back at work, 8pm to 4am, so that I can take care of her during the day. I don't get more than 4 hours sleep but I have no choice. I feel like we are headed to some day of decision. Maybe to moving out to a care facility, maybe to me moving back to an apartment, maybe I'm just wishing my responsibility would have a day of ending this year.

COMING TOGETHER--44

Here on Wednesday, the day went well. Mom awoke but went to her tv chair too early in the morning. I criticized her for this, she said she'd come in the kitchen for breakfast and eventually did it. So I didn't say anythiing more.

I did my errands for us and brought her the coffee she likes best, as a reward for eating breakfast. I think she wants to be free of my telling her what to do, but she seems to know that I will say the same thing every day--eat real food and things go well.

We watched some baseball, I got us dinner at McDonalds and I went to my Bible study. When I came back, she had straightened up the kitchen, done a few chores, gone outside and was sitting up in her chair. All of that made me feel more like trusting her.

I know her mind is slowly eroding but her disposition is better every day. Tomorrow we will go do her taxes at HR Block. Friday I go back to work for the first time in 1 1/2 months. Saturday I will take her to have her hair done and then go to work. So maybe we have turned a corner and I can relinquish some of my worries and duties as her supervison.

Now it is Thursday, the day I take Mom to do her taxes.

We are back from the tax lady, Elaine. Mom had evidently thrown out some forms she needed. So we had to call two companies to have them mail the forms again. We are waiting on that.

We went to a cafeteria to eat. The food is good and generous, but Mom couldn't see what dessert she had chosen. It was so rich, it made her sick for an afternoon! She slept it off.

We watched an Agatha Christie video--Poirot--and then Rangers baseball came on tv. They won big, so the day ended well.

On the next day, Friday morning, I had to call Social Security early, 8am. I had to ask Mom to talk to them at that time and she remembered everything they asked her. She was great. I didn't think she could do it, being rudely awakened at 815am when she is usually in deep sleep. But she came through.

I am beginning to think she might live without me living here, if I come by two days a week to do things for her. I'm feeling the risk involved, but she is improving in health and attitude.

Her vision is not improving, it is getting worse. Her memory is not improving, either. But I can cover for that.

COMING TOGETHER--43

Now that it is Monday, Phil, my brother, is coming over to give me a few books. My mother suspects the worst. She fears Phil and his wife are getting a divorce, or that Phil wants her to move out of her apartment.

Well, nothing like that happened. Phil had some time to kill before a funeral so he gave me three Christian books, talked about himself for an hour, and then left.

Obviously Mom likes to function on the basis of her fears, of which there are many.

She has been eating a lot of ice cream when I am not at home. Still, she is eating well enough so that no ill effects show. I read 3 chapters of Mark Twain's Innocents Abroad to her. She likes that since reading is now a struggle.

I went to a barbecue place for dinner. Mom said repeatedly how much food I bought; it didn't seem like so much but when you're already full of ice cream maybe she was stuffed. One thing about it, she is staying awake longer than usual. I had been telling her that it isn't normal for someone to sleep as much as she does. Maybe that shook her enough to want to stay awake, or maybe the ice cream did it. Can't really tell.

She doesn't walk for exercise any more, she doesn't ride her stationary bicycle any more.

Anyway, as I write this it is 10pm at night. She is in her bed with the tv on, and I am sleepy.

This is Tuesday. Mom got up on her own, a bit earlier than usual. I had a breakfast sandwich from McDonalds, which she likes. She is awake, in her chair watching tv. She is not doing anything. She doesn't want to do anything.

I think she is depressed and probably always was. She covered her depression for years with social and church activities, but it probably was always there underneath.

I have been reading to her, and she likes that. I've been reading Mark Twain's Innocents Abroad, which is about travel. Twain went to places where my mother has been, so it is fairly interesting to her. Twain began at Gibraltar, then he went to Marseilles in France. Mom has been to Marseilles and through France. So this is going well.

I am having trouble finding things for us to do, and today is no exception. I don't have any email to answer, I can't write an article for Duckworks until I receive a book in the mail Thursday or Friday.

COMING TOGETHER--42

This is Saturday, the first day of bad weather since I moved in with my mother. It is raining now at 8am, cold and overcast. I know I'm going to have trouble getting my mother out of bed this morning. We go through this many mornings. She wants to curl up like a fetus and never get out of bed. I've been told this is really wrong, but for now we go on.

I have no way to stop this; even when we have good days the next morning she doesn't want to get out of bed. At times, I'd like for her to be in an assisted living place where I wouldn't have to struggle with her every morning. But I have no plan, no place that looks good. We just go on as we are.

Later, she did get up and eat well. I read Mark Twain to her, Innocents Abroad, which she enjoys. Her vision is so bad, she cannot enjoy reading anything. She has to use a magnifying glass to see any bill or anything at all.

Then we watched the Rangers on tv at 3pm until 5pm when we had a good dinner. She slept and I slept. A Beatles tribute band came on channel 13, but the music was almost boring, hearing it now. Not the same as 1965, when they were personalities and we were young.

So we went to bed kind of early, awaiting Palm Sunday tomorrow.

It is Sunday, cold and windy, almost like late Fall rather than late March. But Dallas always gets one cold front before Easter and then after Easter the summer heat begins to arrive.

It is 8am. I am up and ready to get dressed for church, but Mom is still in bed. We don't have to make any real move to get up and dressed until 830am.

Mom got herself up and dressed. We left in plenty of time, had a good time in church and ate at a new place. Mom ate well and we had ice cream afterward here at home. We are waiting for baseball at 3pm.

What I have realized now is how much of my mother's life is finding something to do. Fortunately she doesn't mind doing many of the same things every day--like reading in her favorite chair, sleeping in the afternoon, reading the mail, eating at 10am and 6pm.

But it's finding other activities, especially with those her own age. That she really doesn't like.

We ate steakburgers at Steakk & Ale,which she likes. It's the taste, not the nutrition and that's going to be a problem for her for the rest of her life. But she is eating well enough to be stable in her health. We are going on day-by-day. She seems to be all right, even at her age.

COMING TOGETHER--41

This is Thursday, the day we go to get my mother's hair color changed. She will be going a long time without food, I thought. So she actually had double the amount of cereal than usual. I think she didn't mean to pour out so much cereal, but she doesn't see well, so there it was. She did eat it all. This encourages me because she is not fighting against breakfast.

Then we left for the hair place a half hour early. Mom was there 1 1/2 hours, feeling waited on, which she loves. Then she said she had a restaurant for us to go to; I knew when she wouldn't tell me what it was that she was hiding it from me. It was the Cheesecake Factory. We went and the food was good. Mom had some lemon-flavored pie with whipped cream and strawberries. It stuffed her till she couldn't help but go to sleep. She went from being little-old-lady to looking like a beach ball.

When we got back to the apt., she went right to sleep!

Baseball tonight on tv.

This has been a day of pleasure.

She woke up soon afterward. We didn't do anything this afternoon, but we did see the Rangers game and then Mom went to sleep. I stayed up much later for the Ken Burns anthology of baseball on channel 13.

Good day.

This is Friday. We have had a good day. Mom ate well, I did some errands and we had a good dinner at Steak & Ale. I contacted my company about coming back to work, which I hope works out.

Mom has been in good spirits, as if she has learned to embrace a certain routine and get it out of the way. So we eat early, do some things in the middle of the day, then eat around 6-7pm and then watch baseball, if it's on.

If there's nothing on tv, Mom gets bored to the point of eating sweets and not doing her exercises. Finding something that interests her is the issue.

I know I can't do that for her. She needs activities with others, not me. I wonder if I am helping her live or not, but for now this is what we have. She needs activities that people her age do together. But for now, we go on.

COMING TOGETHER--40

Wednesday morning I did not try to get my mother up. I was worried about my mother's sleeping, so I called Nancy and Philip. We agreed to see how things went today.

I had errands to do, so when I got back home it was 10am and she was up.

Evidently the sprinkler system men had come to see her, checking the sprinkler system. That seemed to perk her up. Then I brought her 7-11 coffee, which she likes. She was in her chair, reading, not dressed but up. Then Bob Poteet called! This is an old guy from church who visits old people. He's foolishly objectionable, a bit of a buffoon but means well. He forgets where he's been. This is probably all he can do at this stage of his career in ministry.

Mom can't stand him, which is more funny than anything else. So when he called the day after she spent the day in bed, it was God's sense of humor. I have not met this guy, but I'll be watching him when he comes.

We have had a good lunch of peanut butter and jelly sandwich with apple juice. We're having a good day.

Bob showed up at 345pm. He's a chubby little guy, pleasant enough although not a burning intellectual. We talked about church and books both us of have read. So we prayed together, he left and we laughed. But you know, he's not so bad, he just doesn't know what to say to my mother. She doesn't know what to say to him.

And then Philip showed up with a half-gallon of ice cream. It was like insulting all that I had done up to this point. He was supposed to bring a pint. Now I don't know how her eating is going to go. That made my evening depressing.

COMING TOGETHER--39

Now it is Tuesday. This was a checkered day. I used the internet early after Mom ate Cheerios and Totall together, like yesterday.

Then she said she wanted to go get her nails done, so I volunteered to take her. That took a long time. I was frustrated at how long it took, but we didn't say anything to each other until we got home. I got a steak burger at Steak and Ale.

When we got back it was 2pm. She slept in her chair until 5pm. That was normal. I thought everything was going to turn out well, but I was wrong. She woke up and said she was going to her bed. I felt like something is really wrong with this. She's never wanted to withdraw into her bed in the middle of the afternoon, but I said nothing.

I tried to call my brother and a man I know to talk about this, but neither of them were home. I realized I would have to handle this alone. So I made up some excuses to go into her bedroom and turn on the light. That woke her up, I hope it irritated her but she said nothing. She just wants to shrivel up and not wake up.

I don't know how serious this is. I'm not qualified to believe I should jerk her out of bed or just leave her alone. So I turned the light on, made enough noise to awaken her and then leave. I turned the radio on loud enough for her to hear it. I hope she cannot sleep.

She says she is all right, but I don't believe anything she says. Maybe she is shutting down, and I should let her go. I simply don't know what this 16 hours in bed means.

This is still Tuesday. I am scheduled to go to a Bible study tomorrow. If I go, she will go to bed and not wake up until the next day. If I don't go, I can't say she will do anything any different. The next day is Thursday, she is scheduled to have her hair color changed. I don't really think she will even remember. But maybe so. Maybe this is just one night and then she'll be back to normal. But then what? Will she be stronger Thursday, or weaker?

I just don't know.

She got back out of bed at 930pm, and seems to be all right. She is in her chair, reading one of her romance novels. I feel like I might have done the right thing. I hope so.

COMING TOGETHER--38

This is Sunday. I went to church early, taking her car so she couldn't. When I got back around 12 noon, she was sitting in her sofa chair, reading.

She said her friend was going to pick her up at 10am but no one came. When I came back from church, the garage door was open, something she says she can't stand. I think she just forgot since her friend never came.

Then Mom gave me one of her pitiful acts, pretending to be worried when I left early this morning without telling her where I was going. I don't really believe in that, since she had her own plans.

Now she is reading and I am here typing this up.

She didn't eat all day. I got frustrated at her not wanting to eat, so I kinda shook her shoulders to get through to her. I think I rattled her enough so that she said she would eat a turkey sandwich left over from yesterday. She was quite co-operative about that and I appreciated that.

She ate well and drank milk, all good stuff. We watched the Rangers win a baseball game, then watched the Irish tenors on public television. So the afternoon has gone well, when my mother eats well. She had some chocolate pieces, a good reward for eating well.

When Mom eats well, the day goes well.

Now it is Monday, early, around 8am. Mom's bedroom light is on, which means she got up to go to the bathroom. She is back in her bed, probably pretending to be asleep.

I'd really like her to eat breakfast without any arguing or persuading from me. I'd like to have a break from this constant confrontation with her about eating. I get weary of this. I wonder how long this will go on. I know there won't be any relief of this responsibility for me.

She did get up and eat well. In fact, she ate Cheerios and Total cereal together--I hadn't thought of that but she liked it well. So I congratulated her on how well she ate.

We seemed to be having a good time. I got Subway for her, meatballs and she seemed to really like that. I had roasted chicken, as I always do. The evening went well.

COMING TOGETHER--37

I got Mom her favorite breakfast at McDonald's. She seemed grateful. Then she slept from about 11am to 230pm. When she woke up, she seemed resentful. Maybe it was because I was not enthusiastic about looking at her old pictures, which she has shown me so many times.

She has gone out walking, without me. She didn't even ask if I want to come. I am wondering if she is walking off the apartment property by herself. I expect her to do that today or some day.

She seems moody but I know her eating habits cause this, at least to some degree. I wonder how she'll be when she gets back.

She is back, sitting on the steps outside the apt. She is by herself, still looking moody with her lower lip stuck out. She does this when she is being defensive.

I wonder if my not being enthusiastic about her pictures triggered this. I think she might be forming some thing in her head. Maybe the desire for isolation is her kind of death, her kind of suicide.

After thinking about this, I wonder if my way of living has to do with going on to tomorrow and her way of living does not. I suppose she only has the feeling of today. Tomorrow is Sunday. I wonder if she will want to go to church tomorrow. This mood might last longer than this afternoon.

It is a few hours later. I went to a restaurant to get her dinner. She sipped the liquid of the soup without taking any food. She refused to eat the turkey sandwich right now. Later she did eat the sandwich, so I rewarded that with ice cream.

She said she didnt want to go to church with me. Fine, I suspected some plot. But then I realized she needs time away from me just as I need time away from her.

COMING TOGETHER--36

That night, she went to sleep without watching tv all night and this morning, as I am writing this, she got up early and took her own breakfast. With that nutrition in her body from last night, she knew what day it was. I hope that makes an impression on her.

I hope this lasts.

Her girlfriends are coming over in 2 hours to take Mom out to lunch. After two hours, Mom is back from the Olive Garden and I am back from the internet and exercise room. Mom is watching tv and I am pleased as to how this has gone. She had a good time with the girls, she may take a nap this afternoon.

She did take a nap. We went to Barnes & Noble for a smoothie. The day has gone quickly. We watched tv, Mom ate a small sandwich--not enough--but with the smoothie filling her up maybe that's all I can hope for.

It is around 9pm at night. She is fiddling with the bed sheets, her usual nighttime ritual. She wants me to bring all my clothes inside from the garage to go in a dresser my Dad had. She believes she will go on for another few years. I don't know. She still talks about driving the car, even though I will not let her. She cannot see well enough to pay her own bills. Still, she is easier to get along with than so many her age.

If she goes on, it may be in a wheelchair. If she lives on, I don't know how long she can feed herself and even know who she is. She might be living, but she will never be independant again.

Now, my mother is going to bed. That means going from the tv room to the bedroom. Usually this is my time to talk to God, to write these posts, to wonder about what is going to happen. I think I will have to quit my job on Monday--this is Friday.

I wonder how long we will go on like this. When I say that, I am really saying to God, I'd like an end to this. I'd like to see where this is going. Still, living here like this is very comfortable for me, it's a perfect retirement. I may never have it so good. So I wonder how long this will go on. I wish I had something to do with this time other than watch my mother.

All of these thoughts come and go; I hope God doesn't take any action on them!

COMING TOGETHER--35

Yesterday was very good and very bad. First the bad.

   Mom was refusing to eat food. After she had her afternoon delight of chocolate, I was a bit mad at her. It came out.

   She said she was going to drive again, so I reminded her forcefully that she had nearly hit a man with the car. I don't know if this was Mom rationally thinking she could drive, or a bit of dementia making her forget what she'd done, but I was mad at her.

   So I said she was saying those things to get away from me. She didn't hear the words I said, she heard her own feelings, her own reaction to what I said. She said I had claimed she didn't love me, and that made her cry. I knew the crying was one of her 'drama queen' acts, so I said nothing but to deny what she thought I said.

   I told her I needed to get away from her once in a while, which to her is incomprehensible. So she tried to assuage her feelings by making my bed and thinking I need my own dresser in our bedroom. Well, there is no room in our bedroom for a cat, much less any more furniture.

   So we walked around each other for a while, neither of us saying a thing. Then she came to where I was and sat for a long time, talking unemotionally about this and that. I've said before my mother is good at forgiving and forgetting and that was what she was doing. So I decided to try to do the same thing.

   She sat there a few hours, then she laid down on the sofa while I played some classical music on my laptop. It was our way of making up. Finally, she did what I didn't expect her to do.

   She actually ate meatloaf and a potato for dinner! This was the first real cooked dinner she's had in a month. When she cooked it herself, I realized I had gotten through to her about eating real food, not sweets. So I went into the kitchen to sit with her, as a gesture of approval and agreement. Actually I was proud of her for responding to what I'd been saying about her eating.

COMING TOGETHER--34

Today is Thursday, when my mother has one of her appointments to get her hair done. Her hair lasts one day, then it falls apart when she sleeps on it. But this is one of her times to be waited on by someone else, it's a pleasure for her. Unfortunately, the hair shop has moved 15 miles away, in a high-crime neighborhood.

She usually forgets what day it is, so we will see if she remembers. I hope she had a good visit with Jack and the grandkids yesterday.

I don't know how Mom is going to eat and get along today. I hope she does eat breakfast but I think she will use the hair appointment to avoid eating. I'm not going to fight her on this any more. Whatever happens to her will just have to happen.

It is 915am and she is not up. That is normal. I'm at the laptop in a quiet apartment. I don't know what this day will bring but I have prayed for my mother and myself.

+++

She got up in time for breakfast, which was good with a full glass of milk. That was hopeful but it didn't last long.

We went to her hair place, and on our way back Mom asked me to stop for lunch. She said I could choose it; I knew that was not the truth. I stopped at Boston Market. She ate practically nothing, so she took a piece of apple pie, hoping for the sugar. The pie was so bad, she didn't finish it. So she had me run to the bank while she stayed in her apartment to get to her secret stash of chocolate while I was away.

I knew this was what she was doing, but I've decided to stop arguing with her and just let her eat her chocolate and sweets until she collapses again. I'm not going to stuff her throat with good food. Maybe a retirement home employee would or a hospice would but I'm not qualified to do that. I'll just let her eat what she does.

She has slept the afternoon away, which is what she does when there is no nutrition in her blood. She has no energy for anything but laying on her sofa asleep.

COMING TOGETHER--33

Mom decided to make an angel food cake for my Bible study. I thought it was silly, as if I or she owed the group anything. But then an email from my sister Nancy convinced me that this would be a good project for Mom.

So she couldn't find her cookbook. I went to WalMart to get some ingredients and search the internet for a recipe. I found one and Mom is in the kitchen acting like she was 30 years younger. This gives her something to do, and that has been missing in her life for the last few years.

She has the radio on a top-40 station, she's cracking eggs, pouring extract, twirling flour in a bowl and doing what she probably did 50 years ago. I think she might be happy. But what is extract of tartar? You know how hard it is to find that? It was like finding Dr. Livingstone in the jungle. But with the help of two employees I found it.

The angel food cake was a fiasco. It tasted like lemony sheetrock. It fell and I'm glad. I put too much cream of tartar in it. The cream burst through the top of the cake like a volcano erupting.

Then Mom was tired of being with me. When she tires of my matter-of-fact ways, she does things to offend me intentionally. It's her way of shoving me away. So we disagreed about whether she could drive her car. So I said, 'Fine. Drive it, see if you can.'

She drove, with me in the passenger seat. She nearly broke some guy's leg. That convinced her that she cannot drive any more. We did not speak for a couple of hours. Then Mom realized she had not done the right thing, so gradually we made up. We walked around the apartment property, grudgingly talking out our desire to get along and forgive.

She admitted that she should have listened to me and I said it was all right, just another day in Paradise. My brother's daughter and granddaughter are coming over in an hour. This is just what Mom needs. I need to back out of her day.

Tonight is my Bible study and I need it to get away.

COMING TOGETHER--32

Mom stayed in bed longer than she should have. I criticized her for this, harshly. So I backed out of the room, leaving the light on, thinking maybe I should have been easier. I probably should be.

So after going to WalMart I stayed out of the kitchen. She came in the kitchen, ate the cereal we eat every day by herself. I must say in her defense, my mother does not hold grudges. She probably should, but she forgives as easily as anyone I know.

So when she ate well, I brought some fruit and apple juice for lunch. We had chicken strips, swiss cheese and apple juice. She ate well, as if this morning's disagreement hadn't happened. I can learn a lot from the way she conducted herself.

It is this afternoon; I went to the exercise room for an hour. She is asleep now as it is 125pm. I will not go to work this week, but next Monday I will have to decide whether to tell my employer I am retiring. I really don't like the company, but I do need to work.

This winter in Dallas, the weather has been remarkably nice. Cool, about 50 degrees, windy as usual, but certainly not cold. I sat outside by the pool, feeling the cool breeze, hearing the waterfall by the pool, relaxing.

When I came back, Mom was awake. She said she wanted to get on the stationary bicycle, although she's said this before. I gave her a vanilla cookie just for having a positive attitude and so she won't have to try to sneak cookies by me.

Then an hour later, she did get on the stationary bicycle--! For about 15 minutes. I offered her one of her favorite chocolate cookies--and she turned it down--! Now this is progress.

We had a good dinner, a good day.

Yesterday was a good enough day to make me think through my decision to retire. I'd like to have the money I was earning, but that would mean leaving Mom alone for 8 hours.

I don't want to go back to the same company I was with before. The work is boring, and it is far from where I now live. But I'd like to work. So I have to decide if I can leave Mom alone 5 days a week, for 8 hours.

My brother wants me to retire, to stay here so we don't have to move Mom to a retirement home. Moving her would mean moving all of her furniture, possessions, etc., moving her, and then me getting a job and an apartment. It would mean considerable stress on him and me, considerable dislocation, all kinds of talk between him and his wife. He has three difficult daughters to deal with, already.

But I'm 63 years old, not easy to get another job. Maybe I could strike it rich in the lottery. If I decide to retire I'll have to put the word out to my friends that I am not working, something might come up.

Right now I am spending more time away from Mom than I usually do. I have been to the bank, to get the car inspected, and the bookstore. Mom got up reluctantly at 10am. She did eat breakfast by herself and now she is laying on her sofa chair, maybe sleeping now that I am not there or watching tv about the pope.

I should be back with her around 1am. I don't know if this is a trend toward spending more time away from her, or this is just an exception. I have to admit I do like this not-having-a-job, living in the rich part of town, doing these errands for both of us. It's like being retired. But how long will this last? And when do I get bored?

COMING TOGETHER--31

Today has come. Mom had a short night. She was up and down, and is sleeping without any clothes on; she knows I think this is wrong with what her body does at night. I won't argue the point, I'll just let her mistakes show up on the sheets.

I called my brother last night about what happened. We agreed that I might have to quit my job. We agreed that we need to sell my Lincoln Mark 8 and use her little Honda only. Her car is a lease, so we will have to turn it back in at some point.

As of 815am she is still sleeping although she might not be asleep.

I had errands to run. When I came back, she had eaten some breakfast so I brought her the favorite breakfast: the McDonalds egg and sausage muffin. This was a popular move.

She was in good spirits, so I went to WalMart with a shopping list. When I came back we put the stuff up and I gave Mom some ice cream. She wasn't greedy about it, but it did hit the spot.

The day is grey, overcast, sticky humid for March and mild. We are staying inside today. I told Mom she had to watch out for any internal blood flow due to her fall last night. She has been co-operating about this.

This day is better but we spend so much time in here that the boredom builds up until she cannot overcome it. If she is plotting some way to get around what I'm doing, tomorrow would be the day to pull it off. I know she can call a cab when I'm not here; I know she can get away with things she knows I don't like but the effects of what she does comes back at her.

I'll just have to pray that she stays with what makes her life easy.

This is Sunday. I was going to go to church without her, but maybe the desire to be with other women and not just me encourages her to get up. She got up and dressed in 30 minutes--a new record--so we went to church. She forgot to put her teeth in but we were out the door, anyway.

Church was good, a new program called Church Without Walls, and a new style of worship was probably good for everyone.

When we came back and mom got her teeth in (!), we went to the Corner Bakery for breakfast. They served big breakfasts, so Mom got to eat well. I then rewarded her with a little ice cream and 2 chocoloate cookies. She was thrilled. I thought I could do so because she ate so well, there was plenty of nutrition in her body.

I expect her to sleep this afternoon.

I hope she gets the message. If she eats well and gets around some, I will reward her. To be honest, I would rather she be in Presbyterian Village with plenty of people like her and lots of social activity. But that may not be feasable now.

Maybe tomorrow.