COMING TOGETHER--72
Now Wednesday has come. I took Mom to get her hair done. This is a lot of trouble for me but it gives her the feeling of independence. However, some things happened.
Mom got lost in the store in which the salon is located. This upset her, as she likes to think she can get around on her own. It cut into her independence and pride.
Then she wanted to spend the day running around stores, but I couldn't do that. I had to get back to the apartment to get some sleep to work tonight. So I said she should get my brother's wife to take her around so they could spend all day doing whatever they wanted. Mom tried to exaggerate that by saying she could take a taxi, why I didn't even have to know when she takes the taxi and when she gets home. She was trying to get her independence back by separating herself from me.
I took her to the Cheesecake Factory, a good restaurant. Mom goes there because of the huge desserts. She eats a few bites of real food, then says she can't eat anymore. That's a lie. She just wants sweets, so she ordered a huge strawberry shortcake and after saying she can't eat any more, she downed the entire shortcake in easy fashion.
She said she depends on me too much. That is true, but not because she can be independent.
When we got back to the apartment, one of her lady friends called about the fact that Mom had completely forgotten a lunch she was supposed to lead and host today. This upset her.
She admitted she was losing her memory and that frightened her. I took that as the first time in a long time she admitted the truth about her age and her condition. I liked what she said. I told her eating all the sweets she does just takes any nutrition out of her blood, so it affects her mind and body. I think she got the point, but it doesn't matter. It's too late to matter. I expect her to forget what happened today.
This makes me wonder what is going on with her body and why she coughs so much. I wonder how much longer this situation with Mom is going to last.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Thursday, May 30, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--71
It is Tuesday afternoon. As I am typing this, Mom is pretending to be asleep on the sofa next to me. I think she is lonely, and is there to be where I am.
I don't always want to be with her, I get tired of having to worry about her eating and health every day, every moment. I like getting away from her, but she has no one else. She is a dependant type who often uses arrogance to mask her dependency.
She badgers me with questions, as a way of talking to me since she really doesn't know how to communicate with me otherwise. I get mad at her constant questions, so I have to remind myself this is her only way to hear a voice in a world she is leaving.
She is like the image of the only person in the universe, standing on the earth shouting out to heaven hoping a voice would only come back. Without me to badger with questions, she is that person hearing nothing coming back.
If you don't believe in God, old age can be frightening to your memories.
So she lies there, just behind me at my right. It imposes on me. I wish she weren't there, I wish she were in her tv room, watching some stupid show. I've never enjoyed being around her, even as a small boy. I think I always knew we were as distant as strangers can be.
I always wished I could live with someone who did understand me, who could communicate with me, and I have known two women like that. They married someone else, so here I am.
It is Tuesday afternoon. As I am typing this, Mom is pretending to be asleep on the sofa next to me. I think she is lonely, and is there to be where I am.
I don't always want to be with her, I get tired of having to worry about her eating and health every day, every moment. I like getting away from her, but she has no one else. She is a dependant type who often uses arrogance to mask her dependency.
She badgers me with questions, as a way of talking to me since she really doesn't know how to communicate with me otherwise. I get mad at her constant questions, so I have to remind myself this is her only way to hear a voice in a world she is leaving.
She is like the image of the only person in the universe, standing on the earth shouting out to heaven hoping a voice would only come back. Without me to badger with questions, she is that person hearing nothing coming back.
If you don't believe in God, old age can be frightening to your memories.
So she lies there, just behind me at my right. It imposes on me. I wish she weren't there, I wish she were in her tv room, watching some stupid show. I've never enjoyed being around her, even as a small boy. I think I always knew we were as distant as strangers can be.
I always wished I could live with someone who did understand me, who could communicate with me, and I have known two women like that. They married someone else, so here I am.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--70
Now it is Memorial Day Weekend. We have had a good time. No conflicts, Mom and I have been eating well, doing our duties and relating much better. I have been reading to Mom, she likes that because it is so hard for her to read herself.
I've been reading a novel called Princess Elizabeth's Spy, a spy novel set in WWII, about a young female spy. I've started reading to Mom, The Big Sleep, by Raymond Chandler. He used to live in LaJolla CA where Mom and Dad lived 30 years ago. I even read her part of my novel about Dad's life in WWII. She didn't know I wrote that. I think she was favorably impressed.
This is a sign that she is able and willing to do less than before, but it also means she has accepted she can do less than 6 months ago. I have to accept that, too. I can't push her beyond the limits of a 92 year old woman who can barely walk. I'm grateful she can feed herself and dress herself, so I have to remember to not be too impatient about how slow she is.
Mom's daughter Nancy and her husband Lamar have grandchildren. They sent me a video through the email, which I showed Mom. She smiled through the whole 4 minute video, in fact, she wanted to see it 3 times.
I am working more than I have in two months, maybe that's good but my job of working all night--8pm to 4am--is boring and drudgery. I'd like to do something better but the job fits my life with Mom so well I won't give up the job just for money.
Anyway, we go on. We don't have any answers to life, they are not coming. We just go on living, more out of default than anything else. The alternative to living is just a nothing. Not a black hole sucking us in, not a destination out there, not a fear scaring us into retreating into the past, just a nothing.
Now it is Memorial Day Weekend. We have had a good time. No conflicts, Mom and I have been eating well, doing our duties and relating much better. I have been reading to Mom, she likes that because it is so hard for her to read herself.
I've been reading a novel called Princess Elizabeth's Spy, a spy novel set in WWII, about a young female spy. I've started reading to Mom, The Big Sleep, by Raymond Chandler. He used to live in LaJolla CA where Mom and Dad lived 30 years ago. I even read her part of my novel about Dad's life in WWII. She didn't know I wrote that. I think she was favorably impressed.
This is a sign that she is able and willing to do less than before, but it also means she has accepted she can do less than 6 months ago. I have to accept that, too. I can't push her beyond the limits of a 92 year old woman who can barely walk. I'm grateful she can feed herself and dress herself, so I have to remember to not be too impatient about how slow she is.
Mom's daughter Nancy and her husband Lamar have grandchildren. They sent me a video through the email, which I showed Mom. She smiled through the whole 4 minute video, in fact, she wanted to see it 3 times.
I am working more than I have in two months, maybe that's good but my job of working all night--8pm to 4am--is boring and drudgery. I'd like to do something better but the job fits my life with Mom so well I won't give up the job just for money.
Anyway, we go on. We don't have any answers to life, they are not coming. We just go on living, more out of default than anything else. The alternative to living is just a nothing. Not a black hole sucking us in, not a destination out there, not a fear scaring us into retreating into the past, just a nothing.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--69
Today Mom and I went to our favorite place, The Egg and I. Mom stuffed herself so much I asked the waitress for a wheelbarrow to get her into the car. The waitress laughed, Mom did, too.
Now we are home. She is in her chair, about to hit dreamland full of food. I told her she is at the point that her taste exceeds her body. She wants to taste more than she can handle. She agreed, which was gratifying. She knows what I have to tell her, that it's better to eat good food than food that just tastes good.
I once heard a nutritional doctor say, If it tastes good, it's not good for you. Maybe an exaggeration but still it's true.
So I called my brother to ask him to call Mom, 'Tubby.' I hope he does!
I have to go to work overnight for the next 5 days. This is a first step toward spending less time with Mom than I have. We may be heading toward a different arrangement than the dependency she's had toward me. I hope this is the case, as I'd like to have a girlfriend.
Now it is Thursday morning, Mom is still asleep. She has had to sleep in her easy chair because she has little bladder control. This may be a bad sign, or it may not. I'll just have to ask the doctor or his head nurse, Amanda.
Today Mom and I went to our favorite place, The Egg and I. Mom stuffed herself so much I asked the waitress for a wheelbarrow to get her into the car. The waitress laughed, Mom did, too.
Now we are home. She is in her chair, about to hit dreamland full of food. I told her she is at the point that her taste exceeds her body. She wants to taste more than she can handle. She agreed, which was gratifying. She knows what I have to tell her, that it's better to eat good food than food that just tastes good.
I once heard a nutritional doctor say, If it tastes good, it's not good for you. Maybe an exaggeration but still it's true.
So I called my brother to ask him to call Mom, 'Tubby.' I hope he does!
I have to go to work overnight for the next 5 days. This is a first step toward spending less time with Mom than I have. We may be heading toward a different arrangement than the dependency she's had toward me. I hope this is the case, as I'd like to have a girlfriend.
Now it is Thursday morning, Mom is still asleep. She has had to sleep in her easy chair because she has little bladder control. This may be a bad sign, or it may not. I'll just have to ask the doctor or his head nurse, Amanda.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
COMING TOGETHER --68
It is Monday afternoon. I don't work today, so I bought a couple of videos to watch. We did and then Mom wanted steak so I went for Steak and Shake. I wonder if all this meat is helping or not, but she eats all of it. I had a big chicken salad, a lot of food for me.
Now we are spending the afternoon doing a certain amount of nothing. It is warm and windy outside with predictions of storms and hail. Both of us have slept this afternoon.
Mom panicked, injecting fear into her mind more and more. She was getting out of control, even putting blankets in the bathroom. She tried to tell me that one bathroom was safer than the other in case of a tornado. I got mad at her, telling her if a tornado hit I was taking her out of the apartment. It didn't matter about any bathroom, we would leave. She got confronted by that. I think she hated me for that. I was disgusted with her and these infantile fears she manufactures.
Then she started watching the weather on the tv, over and over, until her level of fear disgusted me. I went into her tv room to get a book I had been reading to her. She thought I was going to read to her, so I refused to read to her unless she turned off the tv.
She did that. So I read, and by the time I finished she had forgotten about the storms outside. The book was about WWII and a fictional female character who becomes a spy, so I think it enabled her to escape the present weather and live in the past, which she likes. She really likes England.
Then, when I stopped reading she had forgotten any weather. I checked the Ranger score, then we watched a special on tv about Mel Brooks. She didn't really laugh, even though Mel was funny. I think she was too full of water and dinner to really laugh but I knew she was no longer scared of the weather.
Now Mom is watching a tv special about the early days of television and comediennes. She is now laughing at Carol Burnett and Lucille Ball. It is nearly 10pm, time for Mom to slosh her way to bed.
It is Monday afternoon. I don't work today, so I bought a couple of videos to watch. We did and then Mom wanted steak so I went for Steak and Shake. I wonder if all this meat is helping or not, but she eats all of it. I had a big chicken salad, a lot of food for me.
Now we are spending the afternoon doing a certain amount of nothing. It is warm and windy outside with predictions of storms and hail. Both of us have slept this afternoon.
Mom panicked, injecting fear into her mind more and more. She was getting out of control, even putting blankets in the bathroom. She tried to tell me that one bathroom was safer than the other in case of a tornado. I got mad at her, telling her if a tornado hit I was taking her out of the apartment. It didn't matter about any bathroom, we would leave. She got confronted by that. I think she hated me for that. I was disgusted with her and these infantile fears she manufactures.
Then she started watching the weather on the tv, over and over, until her level of fear disgusted me. I went into her tv room to get a book I had been reading to her. She thought I was going to read to her, so I refused to read to her unless she turned off the tv.
She did that. So I read, and by the time I finished she had forgotten about the storms outside. The book was about WWII and a fictional female character who becomes a spy, so I think it enabled her to escape the present weather and live in the past, which she likes. She really likes England.
Then, when I stopped reading she had forgotten any weather. I checked the Ranger score, then we watched a special on tv about Mel Brooks. She didn't really laugh, even though Mel was funny. I think she was too full of water and dinner to really laugh but I knew she was no longer scared of the weather.
Now Mom is watching a tv special about the early days of television and comediennes. She is now laughing at Carol Burnett and Lucille Ball. It is nearly 10pm, time for Mom to slosh her way to bed.
Monday, May 20, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--67
This afternoon Mom was telling me about her father. He was a banker in rural Missouri during the depression and later. He worked all day at the bank, then came home to take care of his invalid mother, my grandmother. He would do everything for her, after a full day at the bank. He had no life of his own. My mother grew up with that as the example for her.
I have wondered about the effect of that on her and in our family.
It does make me resent her. I wonder if she is using me to do what her father was willing to do. I have no desire to be that kind of man for her, as her father was.
I am realizing what a nothing life I have had. I never had a career, never had a family or a real wife--although I was married for 4 years--never had a household of children.
If I take after my grandfather, I have had no family to give me any kind of satisfaction in exchange for the labor, the social slavery he went through. I hope to God I have not passed that along to my daughters.
My life is fragile in the sense that it depends so much on my mother being alive, living as well as she does. I often think about what it would be like if my mother were not alive or not living on her own with me. I don't have a good enough job to live by myself, unless she dies and I have my inheritance. I am trapped by her, by the life she has with me, by these family patterns. It feels like a curse has been sent down from my
grandfather through my mother to me.
I'd like to get out of it but I have no life to go to then. It's like having a bad relationship is the only thing better than having none at all. So I stay in this prison I'm in because I would have no life outside of it.
This afternoon Mom was telling me about her father. He was a banker in rural Missouri during the depression and later. He worked all day at the bank, then came home to take care of his invalid mother, my grandmother. He would do everything for her, after a full day at the bank. He had no life of his own. My mother grew up with that as the example for her.
I have wondered about the effect of that on her and in our family.
It does make me resent her. I wonder if she is using me to do what her father was willing to do. I have no desire to be that kind of man for her, as her father was.
I am realizing what a nothing life I have had. I never had a career, never had a family or a real wife--although I was married for 4 years--never had a household of children.
If I take after my grandfather, I have had no family to give me any kind of satisfaction in exchange for the labor, the social slavery he went through. I hope to God I have not passed that along to my daughters.
My life is fragile in the sense that it depends so much on my mother being alive, living as well as she does. I often think about what it would be like if my mother were not alive or not living on her own with me. I don't have a good enough job to live by myself, unless she dies and I have my inheritance. I am trapped by her, by the life she has with me, by these family patterns. It feels like a curse has been sent down from my
grandfather through my mother to me.
I'd like to get out of it but I have no life to go to then. It's like having a bad relationship is the only thing better than having none at all. So I stay in this prison I'm in because I would have no life outside of it.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--66
We have come back from Kovoor's blood tests, and they look good. Mom's white and red blood count was good. Kovoor did not say her blood was anemic--good sign.
But Mom has lost 8 pounds since her last visit, 4 months ago. I discussed this with Kovoor, and he did not seem alarmed. That's probably good. I told him about her collapse and gradual recovery. That seemed to match up with what he has observed; he told me that twice.
The full blood test results will not come in until tomorrow. I will call his nurse Amanda at noon. I expect good results.
We went to Steak and Shake, which is becoming Mom's place of taste. It's good she likes steak but I wish she had eaten the lettuce and tomato. Still it's better than greasy fast food. Anyway, a good day overall if the weight loss is not indicative of anything.
I can tell she is doing better because she usually sleeps with her mouth wide open, like a flounder on the beach napping till the tide comes in. Now she is sleeping with her mouth closed because she has plenty of oxygen in her blood.
Now it is Friday. Mom has eaten well, she is eating on schedule by herself. I am getting away from her in the early morning and Mom is getting up and getting into breakfast by herself. This is a good sign, if I want to get a better job or a day job. I am waiting for word from Dr. Kovoor's nurse about Mom's blood.
Things seem to be going well all around. Rangers won, the bad weather has gone, Mom is all right. She is losing weight, she doesn't have the energy she once did, but she is aging at 92 1/2 years old. So maybe this is the way it is.
Mom wanted to go to Steak and Shake for the steak burger because she likes the taste. I tried to get her to eat just a bite or two of lettuce, which she refused. She knows I don't like it when she refuses to eat what's good for her. We are not speaking this afternoon. She is in her room, on her chair, doing nothing in particular. I am in this room, typing away, waiting to go to work. I have to wait until around 5 or 6 pm to leave. I'd like to leave right now, just to get away from her but that is not possible. So we have this stiff-necked truce, kind of like Lucy and Desi putting a clothesline down the middle of the living room because they are not speaking.
This will not go on forever, we live together so we cannot keep this up. I have lost the battle over food, she has won.
We have come back from Kovoor's blood tests, and they look good. Mom's white and red blood count was good. Kovoor did not say her blood was anemic--good sign.
But Mom has lost 8 pounds since her last visit, 4 months ago. I discussed this with Kovoor, and he did not seem alarmed. That's probably good. I told him about her collapse and gradual recovery. That seemed to match up with what he has observed; he told me that twice.
The full blood test results will not come in until tomorrow. I will call his nurse Amanda at noon. I expect good results.
We went to Steak and Shake, which is becoming Mom's place of taste. It's good she likes steak but I wish she had eaten the lettuce and tomato. Still it's better than greasy fast food. Anyway, a good day overall if the weight loss is not indicative of anything.
I can tell she is doing better because she usually sleeps with her mouth wide open, like a flounder on the beach napping till the tide comes in. Now she is sleeping with her mouth closed because she has plenty of oxygen in her blood.
Now it is Friday. Mom has eaten well, she is eating on schedule by herself. I am getting away from her in the early morning and Mom is getting up and getting into breakfast by herself. This is a good sign, if I want to get a better job or a day job. I am waiting for word from Dr. Kovoor's nurse about Mom's blood.
Things seem to be going well all around. Rangers won, the bad weather has gone, Mom is all right. She is losing weight, she doesn't have the energy she once did, but she is aging at 92 1/2 years old. So maybe this is the way it is.
Mom wanted to go to Steak and Shake for the steak burger because she likes the taste. I tried to get her to eat just a bite or two of lettuce, which she refused. She knows I don't like it when she refuses to eat what's good for her. We are not speaking this afternoon. She is in her room, on her chair, doing nothing in particular. I am in this room, typing away, waiting to go to work. I have to wait until around 5 or 6 pm to leave. I'd like to leave right now, just to get away from her but that is not possible. So we have this stiff-necked truce, kind of like Lucy and Desi putting a clothesline down the middle of the living room because they are not speaking.
This will not go on forever, we live together so we cannot keep this up. I have lost the battle over food, she has won.
Friday, May 17, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--65
This is Monday. I decided to leave the apartment for the golf driving range, leaving the apartment for 2 hours. I wanted to get away from Mom, and I wanted to force her to do for herself. When I returned, she was eating breakfast herself. This was gratifying. We ate together, which encourages her. She has an aversion to eating alone.
I think she feels more alone than when she was alone. It's become something she feels like you feel heat or cold. So I sit with her, even if I don't eat or drink anything.
I am thinking about this because her disposition has improved so much in the last few weeks. Maybe I say this because I don't fear it when she misses a meal or doesn't eat as much as a younger person. Maybe my being less anxious about Mom's health has relaxed her, too.
We both have adjusted to each other's differing ways. I have learned how much nerves plays in health. To be able to do something without anxiety or self condemnation seems to contribute to health. Maybe health is 90% looking at yourself without incrimination.
Mom is losing weight. In an older person this is usually fatal. When your body can no longer reproduce cells, usually the end is in sight. I have not spoken to her about this, and I will not. Her loss of weight might be temporary or it might be a long slope down.
Tomorrow, I take my mother to one of her doctors. This is Dr. Kovoor, who is monitoring her blood after a cancer treatment. They test her blood for cancer cells,, but don't do anything else. Often her blood is anemic, but I don't think it will be tomorrow.
I think my mother is attracted to Kovoor's soft manners. I don't think he does anything for her but monitor her blood for cancer cells. But this is a big social event for Mom. He makes her feel taken care of, and my mother loves to be waited on.
This is Monday. I decided to leave the apartment for the golf driving range, leaving the apartment for 2 hours. I wanted to get away from Mom, and I wanted to force her to do for herself. When I returned, she was eating breakfast herself. This was gratifying. We ate together, which encourages her. She has an aversion to eating alone.
I think she feels more alone than when she was alone. It's become something she feels like you feel heat or cold. So I sit with her, even if I don't eat or drink anything.
I am thinking about this because her disposition has improved so much in the last few weeks. Maybe I say this because I don't fear it when she misses a meal or doesn't eat as much as a younger person. Maybe my being less anxious about Mom's health has relaxed her, too.
We both have adjusted to each other's differing ways. I have learned how much nerves plays in health. To be able to do something without anxiety or self condemnation seems to contribute to health. Maybe health is 90% looking at yourself without incrimination.
Mom is losing weight. In an older person this is usually fatal. When your body can no longer reproduce cells, usually the end is in sight. I have not spoken to her about this, and I will not. Her loss of weight might be temporary or it might be a long slope down.
Tomorrow, I take my mother to one of her doctors. This is Dr. Kovoor, who is monitoring her blood after a cancer treatment. They test her blood for cancer cells,, but don't do anything else. Often her blood is anemic, but I don't think it will be tomorrow.
I think my mother is attracted to Kovoor's soft manners. I don't think he does anything for her but monitor her blood for cancer cells. But this is a big social event for Mom. He makes her feel taken care of, and my mother loves to be waited on.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--64
As of Sunday morning, April never came. I was crushed in heart. I wanted so to see her, to have things between us be as good as they once were. I had to accept the fact that they never will be what they were 20 years ago. So I went to bed without being able to sleep right away. My emotions would not let me just sleep.
I wanted someone to resent, someone to blame but there is no one. So eventually I did fall asleep, without peace.
When I woke up, I knew I was going to church before April came for Mom. I knew it would be another time of not seeing my own daughter. But I have no choice. So I went to church. It was as if God paid me back some, because at church I received some attention from several other people. This is probably what church is supposed to be. And it did help me put my disappointment over not seeing April in some sort of perspective.
The pain lessened--for a time.
I came back from church to an empty apartment--a kind of relief. I got some sleep, then woke to go to the apartment exercise room. Then I came back and Mom arrived with my brother.
Phil was sick, so he didn't stay. Mom told me about the time she'd had. Ive noticed that when she comes back after being away from me for a time, I resent having to deal with her again. But we accomodated each other. April liked the gifts I gave her. That was gratifying to me. Mom told me she had told everyone how I have been taking care of her, and that was gratifying to her, also.
As of Sunday morning, April never came. I was crushed in heart. I wanted so to see her, to have things between us be as good as they once were. I had to accept the fact that they never will be what they were 20 years ago. So I went to bed without being able to sleep right away. My emotions would not let me just sleep.
I wanted someone to resent, someone to blame but there is no one. So eventually I did fall asleep, without peace.
When I woke up, I knew I was going to church before April came for Mom. I knew it would be another time of not seeing my own daughter. But I have no choice. So I went to church. It was as if God paid me back some, because at church I received some attention from several other people. This is probably what church is supposed to be. And it did help me put my disappointment over not seeing April in some sort of perspective.
The pain lessened--for a time.
I came back from church to an empty apartment--a kind of relief. I got some sleep, then woke to go to the apartment exercise room. Then I came back and Mom arrived with my brother.
Phil was sick, so he didn't stay. Mom told me about the time she'd had. Ive noticed that when she comes back after being away from me for a time, I resent having to deal with her again. But we accomodated each other. April liked the gifts I gave her. That was gratifying to me. Mom told me she had told everyone how I have been taking care of her, and that was gratifying to her, also.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--63
It is Saturday morning as I write this, 2am at work. I'm waiting so anxiously for April to come see my mother. I hope she can enjoy seeing me at the same time. She says she's stay overnight, but somehow I doubt that she will go through with that. I hope to see her for a few hours.
Sunday she and Mom will go over to Arlington to have Mother's Day with my brother's family. April has always preferred Phil and his family to me. This is heartbreaking, but I can't do anything about it. I did the best I could to raise April, but she has never been willing to return any love to me.
Still she turned out to be a great young lady and I am proud of her.
Mom has been good lately, as we sort of have leveled off our life into a routine. She did eat a huge breakfast this morning. I didn't ask her to eat much for lunch, so I hope she had the chicken and noodle soup I left her.
I got a serious offer for my old car today, I hope the person comes through with the $500 for it. I am already thinking of what life would be like without my old car. I've had it 5 years, spend a lot of money keeping it running.j It's big and comfortable and safe, but it's so old there are no parts for it any more.
Now it is Saturday at 1030am. We have had our usual cereal breakfast, I have gone to WalMart for some things and we are waiting on April to arrive. It is a beautifully cool day, a slight breeze with everybody out and about. Couldn't be more perfect for Dallas.
Mom is watching tv, as I am typing this.
It is Saturday morning as I write this, 2am at work. I'm waiting so anxiously for April to come see my mother. I hope she can enjoy seeing me at the same time. She says she's stay overnight, but somehow I doubt that she will go through with that. I hope to see her for a few hours.
Sunday she and Mom will go over to Arlington to have Mother's Day with my brother's family. April has always preferred Phil and his family to me. This is heartbreaking, but I can't do anything about it. I did the best I could to raise April, but she has never been willing to return any love to me.
Still she turned out to be a great young lady and I am proud of her.
Mom has been good lately, as we sort of have leveled off our life into a routine. She did eat a huge breakfast this morning. I didn't ask her to eat much for lunch, so I hope she had the chicken and noodle soup I left her.
I got a serious offer for my old car today, I hope the person comes through with the $500 for it. I am already thinking of what life would be like without my old car. I've had it 5 years, spend a lot of money keeping it running.j It's big and comfortable and safe, but it's so old there are no parts for it any more.
Now it is Saturday at 1030am. We have had our usual cereal breakfast, I have gone to WalMart for some things and we are waiting on April to arrive. It is a beautifully cool day, a slight breeze with everybody out and about. Couldn't be more perfect for Dallas.
Mom is watching tv, as I am typing this.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--62
Now it is Wednesday, the day for my Bible study. We went around this morning for several errands. I got a sandwich at 7-11 and we both came back to the apartment to take our naps. It is now 3pm.
The mail has come, although without any letter worth mentioning. My daughter April is coming Saturday and my brother's family is taking Mom out for Mother's Day on Sunday.
I had to clean the carpet last night, since my mother sometimes leaks on it. She doesn't see well enough to know what I cleaned up, only that the carpet looks better than it did.
Mom keeps saying she will come with me to the Bible study, but she never does. It's too easy to lay down in her easy chair every afternoon, especially now that it is getting warmer outside. Warm weather makes her drowsy and she doesn't feel like doing much.
I am at the point of wondering what is really important in life. I know that nearly everything that drew my attention when I was younger no longer does. It seems that I've thrown plenty of money at things which did me no good. Maybe that's something you say when you're older, and you can't do the things you wanted to, earlier.
Time has become an opposing enemy. It seems I have too much time, always waiting for a more eventuful day to come than the one I'm in. So much time between weekends, and then there's nothing to do on weekends now that I am nearly retired. Time seems so long, an interval I'd like to do away with, but can't. It reminds me of the Salvador Dali painting in which a clock melts over a tree branch, laying there without moving.
I don't know what I'm waiting for.
Now it is Wednesday, the day for my Bible study. We went around this morning for several errands. I got a sandwich at 7-11 and we both came back to the apartment to take our naps. It is now 3pm.
The mail has come, although without any letter worth mentioning. My daughter April is coming Saturday and my brother's family is taking Mom out for Mother's Day on Sunday.
I had to clean the carpet last night, since my mother sometimes leaks on it. She doesn't see well enough to know what I cleaned up, only that the carpet looks better than it did.
Mom keeps saying she will come with me to the Bible study, but she never does. It's too easy to lay down in her easy chair every afternoon, especially now that it is getting warmer outside. Warm weather makes her drowsy and she doesn't feel like doing much.
I am at the point of wondering what is really important in life. I know that nearly everything that drew my attention when I was younger no longer does. It seems that I've thrown plenty of money at things which did me no good. Maybe that's something you say when you're older, and you can't do the things you wanted to, earlier.
Time has become an opposing enemy. It seems I have too much time, always waiting for a more eventuful day to come than the one I'm in. So much time between weekends, and then there's nothing to do on weekends now that I am nearly retired. Time seems so long, an interval I'd like to do away with, but can't. It reminds me of the Salvador Dali painting in which a clock melts over a tree branch, laying there without moving.
I don't know what I'm waiting for.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--61
Now it is Monday. The weekend is over. We took laundry to the laundromat, went to have Mom's nails done, including her famous toenail, came back to the apartment with the laundry and mail. I slept for 4 hours, which is unusual for me. It's a long time to sleep and I needed it.
Now it is 4pm. Mom is putting away her laundry while I type this. Things are going along at work; I will not be allowed to have more than 24 hours at work, which is fine with me. It's almost like being retired yet having money coming in.
Right now, this is a good afternoon.
Mom and I ate well, so the evening has gone well. This is very nice and relaxing.
+++
Now it is Tuesday and we have not had a good day. Mom lay in bed for 13 hours, not sleeping, not getting up. I think she's depressed, her eyes wandering around the ceiling. It may be an attribute of old age to not have anything to look forward to; maybe it is an underlying depression which she does not have the energy to fight off. In any event, this made me mad at her.
So I decided to deal with my frustration against her by leaving her to herself. I left the apartment in a hurry. I left her to herself. My brother's wife called to invite her to a Mother's Day lunch on Sunday. It was that call only that got her out of bed. Then she wet her bed.
I have to work Sundays, so I refused to driver her over to my brother's for Mother's Day. She said someone else would. After I came back from exercise, she was out of bed, dressed for a trip to WalMart for a supply of feminine products. When we came back, she was in a reasonable mood.
I got a nap, got up and went to get pizza. Mom ate well and we watched the Ranger game until the Rangers fell too far behind. Now Mom is watching a cooking show and I am in here, typing this. She wants me to go back in to her room to find something on tv; to me that's selfish. She wants to take my time away from myself. I resent this. I think it's really selfish but maybe this is normal dynamic in relationships. She does this routinely and I despise it.
Maybe this thing of trying to talk me out of my own life is a trademark of loneliness. Whatever it is, I don't like it--she does. So I am refusing.
Now it is Monday. The weekend is over. We took laundry to the laundromat, went to have Mom's nails done, including her famous toenail, came back to the apartment with the laundry and mail. I slept for 4 hours, which is unusual for me. It's a long time to sleep and I needed it.
Now it is 4pm. Mom is putting away her laundry while I type this. Things are going along at work; I will not be allowed to have more than 24 hours at work, which is fine with me. It's almost like being retired yet having money coming in.
Right now, this is a good afternoon.
Mom and I ate well, so the evening has gone well. This is very nice and relaxing.
+++
Now it is Tuesday and we have not had a good day. Mom lay in bed for 13 hours, not sleeping, not getting up. I think she's depressed, her eyes wandering around the ceiling. It may be an attribute of old age to not have anything to look forward to; maybe it is an underlying depression which she does not have the energy to fight off. In any event, this made me mad at her.
So I decided to deal with my frustration against her by leaving her to herself. I left the apartment in a hurry. I left her to herself. My brother's wife called to invite her to a Mother's Day lunch on Sunday. It was that call only that got her out of bed. Then she wet her bed.
I have to work Sundays, so I refused to driver her over to my brother's for Mother's Day. She said someone else would. After I came back from exercise, she was out of bed, dressed for a trip to WalMart for a supply of feminine products. When we came back, she was in a reasonable mood.
I got a nap, got up and went to get pizza. Mom ate well and we watched the Ranger game until the Rangers fell too far behind. Now Mom is watching a cooking show and I am in here, typing this. She wants me to go back in to her room to find something on tv; to me that's selfish. She wants to take my time away from myself. I resent this. I think it's really selfish but maybe this is normal dynamic in relationships. She does this routinely and I despise it.
Maybe this thing of trying to talk me out of my own life is a trademark of loneliness. Whatever it is, I don't like it--she does. So I am refusing.
Friday, May 10, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--60
It is Sunday afternoon. Jack and his fiance came by to take Mom to lunch. Thank God! What a God-send for me. I finally got away from Mom--her constant badgering questions, her harassment of my every move, her laziness. I got to go to my church without stress. I saw a few friends, I was in no hurry to be anywhere, I went to eat by myself and went to Barnes & Noble by myself.
It was such a relief, I thank God for Jack and Sarah.
But I am back now, in the apartment with Mom in the next room. She is watching opera on tv or sleeping while It type this. I know now how hard caring for the elderly is, especially in my case because I live with Mom. A care-giver gets to go home after 8 hours, with no weekends; I don't. This is making me wish more and more Mom were in a retirement home so I could see her and do things for her but still sleep and have some time to myself.
I have the afternoon in which to do nothing in particular until I work tonight. One of my big problems is not having anything great to do. I merely feed and entertain my aging mother, without any reward.
I have learned to exert myself with my mother about doing the things I want to do; I need to live my own life some of the time I am here. I've noticed how necessary this is in any relationship--you have to be yourself. So now it is my turn to do that.
But now the car issue is back. Mom has her front door key on the ring with the car key. I have hidden both from her. So now she wants her front door key. I'm going to have to either throw away her car key and tell her to give her the door key, or keep up the lie that I don't have it. I think she knows I took it. So tonight I will have to get rid of the car key. I might put it in the dumpter, I might hide it in another place or mail it to my sister.
This I will have to decide tonight.
It is Sunday afternoon. Jack and his fiance came by to take Mom to lunch. Thank God! What a God-send for me. I finally got away from Mom--her constant badgering questions, her harassment of my every move, her laziness. I got to go to my church without stress. I saw a few friends, I was in no hurry to be anywhere, I went to eat by myself and went to Barnes & Noble by myself.
It was such a relief, I thank God for Jack and Sarah.
But I am back now, in the apartment with Mom in the next room. She is watching opera on tv or sleeping while It type this. I know now how hard caring for the elderly is, especially in my case because I live with Mom. A care-giver gets to go home after 8 hours, with no weekends; I don't. This is making me wish more and more Mom were in a retirement home so I could see her and do things for her but still sleep and have some time to myself.
I have the afternoon in which to do nothing in particular until I work tonight. One of my big problems is not having anything great to do. I merely feed and entertain my aging mother, without any reward.
I have learned to exert myself with my mother about doing the things I want to do; I need to live my own life some of the time I am here. I've noticed how necessary this is in any relationship--you have to be yourself. So now it is my turn to do that.
But now the car issue is back. Mom has her front door key on the ring with the car key. I have hidden both from her. So now she wants her front door key. I'm going to have to either throw away her car key and tell her to give her the door key, or keep up the lie that I don't have it. I think she knows I took it. So tonight I will have to get rid of the car key. I might put it in the dumpter, I might hide it in another place or mail it to my sister.
This I will have to decide tonight.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--59
It is now late Saturday, I am worn out in my nerves. Mom got a graduation card from my cousin's daughter Elizabeth. She married a guy my cousin didn't like. So Mom thought she could step into that relationship and do something, I don't know what.
So Mom wanted us to fly to Memphis next week, to the graduation. I refused to fly but said I'd take her to the airport. That made Mom think she was getting free of her aging limitations, that she could just pick up and go to the airport like she used to do.
However it turned out that Mom couldn't fly unless there was someone there to take care of her. She hoped it would be Elizabeth's mother, my cousin Bunny. I thought that it was selfish for my mother to put herself upon Bunny's time and energy. My mother doesn't realize how much trouble she is to take care of, 7 days a week.
Fortunately, the graduation is contingent upon a basketball game in the same arena in which the graduation would be. So I could say that Mom can't go. That was a great relief to me.
I hope that will put off any travel plans for a while. This is becoming an oppressive subject for me. I don't want to spend more time with my mother, I want to spend less time with her.
+++
She is an oppression to me. As long as she is alive, I have no life. I am taking care of her 7 days a week. This is more than a professional nurse or anyone in a nursing home. They get to go home after 8 hours of work; I have to stay with my mother, 24-7. I can't have any personal life, any social life, any life at all since I am a living servant to my mother. If she were a different person, this would not be so bad but my mother loves to be served so much she will always see me as her servant.
I know this will never end. I know I will never have any personal happiness in this life. I have no choice except to accept this, like John the Baptist accepted his beheading. Not a sweet thought, I know but it crossed my mind just now.
It is now late Saturday, I am worn out in my nerves. Mom got a graduation card from my cousin's daughter Elizabeth. She married a guy my cousin didn't like. So Mom thought she could step into that relationship and do something, I don't know what.
So Mom wanted us to fly to Memphis next week, to the graduation. I refused to fly but said I'd take her to the airport. That made Mom think she was getting free of her aging limitations, that she could just pick up and go to the airport like she used to do.
However it turned out that Mom couldn't fly unless there was someone there to take care of her. She hoped it would be Elizabeth's mother, my cousin Bunny. I thought that it was selfish for my mother to put herself upon Bunny's time and energy. My mother doesn't realize how much trouble she is to take care of, 7 days a week.
Fortunately, the graduation is contingent upon a basketball game in the same arena in which the graduation would be. So I could say that Mom can't go. That was a great relief to me.
I hope that will put off any travel plans for a while. This is becoming an oppressive subject for me. I don't want to spend more time with my mother, I want to spend less time with her.
+++
She is an oppression to me. As long as she is alive, I have no life. I am taking care of her 7 days a week. This is more than a professional nurse or anyone in a nursing home. They get to go home after 8 hours of work; I have to stay with my mother, 24-7. I can't have any personal life, any social life, any life at all since I am a living servant to my mother. If she were a different person, this would not be so bad but my mother loves to be served so much she will always see me as her servant.
I know this will never end. I know I will never have any personal happiness in this life. I have no choice except to accept this, like John the Baptist accepted his beheading. Not a sweet thought, I know but it crossed my mind just now.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--58
This is Thursday and we have gone to my mother's hair place. On our way back we ate at a new restaurant. It was nice and unhurried. A cold front came in, now it is around 39-40 degrees. Mom has eaten more than she usually does, which is surprising.
Maybe if she doesn't eat much one day she gets hungry enough to eat more the next day.
Anyway, today has been good. While I am doing this, Mom is watching tv. At least she is not asleep all day and night. I suspect that her mood has as much to do with her sleeping and appetite as anything else.
Today has been a level day; nothing exciting or depressing has happened. I wonder how many more days we will have like this. On the 14th we go see one of Mom's doctors.
Mom is in the other room, watching the weather. She is scared by any cold weather, any storms or just about anything on tv. I am not going in there to heighten her emotions.
Now it is Friday. Mom was supposed to go with her friends to a lunch at Houston's Restaurant. She didn't actually go untill I got back from running errands at noon. She tried to drive the car, but couldn't find her keys. So I came in the door, realized that her friend was ready to pick her up. I drove her to her friend's car. That was an hour ago. I expect them back any minute now.
I got breakfast at a restaurant, did some internet work and went to a softball field for some running and throwing the ball around. I didn't expect her to be here when I returned. Now I am resting the whole afternoon as I have to work overnight.
Mom wants me to take her to get her nails done. I won't do everything she wants because I have to stay off my feet to be rested for tonight. She gets to expect me to do everything for her like she was a movie star, but I can't do that. I have to stay away from her more often to keep her from being selfish with her actions and demands.
This is Thursday and we have gone to my mother's hair place. On our way back we ate at a new restaurant. It was nice and unhurried. A cold front came in, now it is around 39-40 degrees. Mom has eaten more than she usually does, which is surprising.
Maybe if she doesn't eat much one day she gets hungry enough to eat more the next day.
Anyway, today has been good. While I am doing this, Mom is watching tv. At least she is not asleep all day and night. I suspect that her mood has as much to do with her sleeping and appetite as anything else.
Today has been a level day; nothing exciting or depressing has happened. I wonder how many more days we will have like this. On the 14th we go see one of Mom's doctors.
Mom is in the other room, watching the weather. She is scared by any cold weather, any storms or just about anything on tv. I am not going in there to heighten her emotions.
Now it is Friday. Mom was supposed to go with her friends to a lunch at Houston's Restaurant. She didn't actually go untill I got back from running errands at noon. She tried to drive the car, but couldn't find her keys. So I came in the door, realized that her friend was ready to pick her up. I drove her to her friend's car. That was an hour ago. I expect them back any minute now.
I got breakfast at a restaurant, did some internet work and went to a softball field for some running and throwing the ball around. I didn't expect her to be here when I returned. Now I am resting the whole afternoon as I have to work overnight.
Mom wants me to take her to get her nails done. I won't do everything she wants because I have to stay off my feet to be rested for tonight. She gets to expect me to do everything for her like she was a movie star, but I can't do that. I have to stay away from her more often to keep her from being selfish with her actions and demands.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--57
Now it is Tuesday and all is well. Mom and I ate well this morning after I came back from using the Barnes & Noble internet. Then we took a walk. She wanted to get her foot fixed, so after going to the wrong mall I found a nail place in that mall. There the lady took care of Mom's toenail, at least doing half the job that needs to be done.
When we came back, I went to exercise and then took a nap. Right now Mom is in her royal chair, going through a book her daughter Nancy sent her. I am in the adjacent room.
I have read the first 10 pages about Jefferson in Paris. It is historically fascinating because I was not aware of the details. Mom really liked it, since it was new and it was from Nancy. Interesting that this is happening at the end of my mother's life: she now has the leisure to think about things other than herself, even if it is the history of Jefferson.
This has made the afternoon enjoyable.
Now it is Wednesday night. I have been to my Bible study, which went well. I disagreed with the teacher on a couple of points. I felt some nerves about disagreeing in front of everyone, but I remained modest in my words which helped.
I brought back some vanilla cake which Mom and I had in short order. Everything seems to be going well, which causes me some trepidation. I know things are going to be confrontational at work. I am only working 3 days this week; I wonder if this is an omen of things to come. It may lead to me being laid off or moved to another post.
Would I move to another post? I don't think so; I would just look for another job. I feel like some change is coming.
Now it is Tuesday and all is well. Mom and I ate well this morning after I came back from using the Barnes & Noble internet. Then we took a walk. She wanted to get her foot fixed, so after going to the wrong mall I found a nail place in that mall. There the lady took care of Mom's toenail, at least doing half the job that needs to be done.
When we came back, I went to exercise and then took a nap. Right now Mom is in her royal chair, going through a book her daughter Nancy sent her. I am in the adjacent room.
I have read the first 10 pages about Jefferson in Paris. It is historically fascinating because I was not aware of the details. Mom really liked it, since it was new and it was from Nancy. Interesting that this is happening at the end of my mother's life: she now has the leisure to think about things other than herself, even if it is the history of Jefferson.
This has made the afternoon enjoyable.
Now it is Wednesday night. I have been to my Bible study, which went well. I disagreed with the teacher on a couple of points. I felt some nerves about disagreeing in front of everyone, but I remained modest in my words which helped.
I brought back some vanilla cake which Mom and I had in short order. Everything seems to be going well, which causes me some trepidation. I know things are going to be confrontational at work. I am only working 3 days this week; I wonder if this is an omen of things to come. It may lead to me being laid off or moved to another post.
Would I move to another post? I don't think so; I would just look for another job. I feel like some change is coming.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--55
This is Thursday. We have been to Mom's hair salon, to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch and now we are back home.
This 18 mile trip to the salon is Mom's freedom. It gives her a chance to be the center of attention. She usually doesn't want to just come home. So we went to the Cheesecake Factory, a restaurant. Mom ate very little real food but she did load up on strawberry shortcake. This is what she does. She doesn't really like real food, she wants sweets because it deals with her depression.
Then after we came home and I had a 2 hour nap, she wanted to go back to the salon. I think she made this up, simply because it makes her feel independent. She craves her independence, which age and blindness has taken from her. She craves being away from me because I represent dependency.
Now she is taking a walk to get away from me and this apartment. I hope it lasts, but I fear she will come up with something else to get away. I probably need to leave as soon as possible for work.
+++
This is Friday, a nice overcast day, mild. I got Mom breakfast from McDonald's so she would have to eat some real food. It worked. She ate well, was grateful and I gave her some chocolate cookies two hours later.
I left for some exercise with the baseball at a park--had a good time and came back to write this. I'm not sure my mother even remembers yesterday.
COMING TOGETHER--56
Here it is Sunday already. Mom got up early for church, surprising me. We went. The sermon was confusing, about God not condemning us, but coming to save us. It was based on John 3.16, 17.
We went to The Egg and I, ate well. When we returned, I slept for two hours. The item of the day is that Mom has an overgrown toenail which will be painful to cut. I don't know how I'm going to her in the car. I don't know if they can deaden her toe so it won't hurt. It might hurt plenty. But that is tomorrow.
I work tonight, all night long.
On Monday I didn't try to get Mom in the car. I just let it pass. If the toenail grows, then it will just have to be that way. I mentioned it to her at noon today, she said she would go this afternoon. I knew that was a lie. So I just dropped the subject.
We have gone for our usual walk. I got Mom a salad from Schotzsky's Deli. The salad is terrific but I don't know if she'll eat any of it. I have to learn to drop that subject, also.
She is losing her mind, gradually. She knows this. She made a comment yesterday about having Alzheimer's. She is in no pain, her heart is still going but she just doesn't like to eat food. Right now it is 4pm; she doesn't want to eat the salad, she wants to eat chocolate. I just have to accept this.
This is Thursday. We have been to Mom's hair salon, to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch and now we are back home.
This 18 mile trip to the salon is Mom's freedom. It gives her a chance to be the center of attention. She usually doesn't want to just come home. So we went to the Cheesecake Factory, a restaurant. Mom ate very little real food but she did load up on strawberry shortcake. This is what she does. She doesn't really like real food, she wants sweets because it deals with her depression.
Then after we came home and I had a 2 hour nap, she wanted to go back to the salon. I think she made this up, simply because it makes her feel independent. She craves her independence, which age and blindness has taken from her. She craves being away from me because I represent dependency.
Now she is taking a walk to get away from me and this apartment. I hope it lasts, but I fear she will come up with something else to get away. I probably need to leave as soon as possible for work.
+++
This is Friday, a nice overcast day, mild. I got Mom breakfast from McDonald's so she would have to eat some real food. It worked. She ate well, was grateful and I gave her some chocolate cookies two hours later.
I left for some exercise with the baseball at a park--had a good time and came back to write this. I'm not sure my mother even remembers yesterday.
COMING TOGETHER--56
Here it is Sunday already. Mom got up early for church, surprising me. We went. The sermon was confusing, about God not condemning us, but coming to save us. It was based on John 3.16, 17.
We went to The Egg and I, ate well. When we returned, I slept for two hours. The item of the day is that Mom has an overgrown toenail which will be painful to cut. I don't know how I'm going to her in the car. I don't know if they can deaden her toe so it won't hurt. It might hurt plenty. But that is tomorrow.
I work tonight, all night long.
On Monday I didn't try to get Mom in the car. I just let it pass. If the toenail grows, then it will just have to be that way. I mentioned it to her at noon today, she said she would go this afternoon. I knew that was a lie. So I just dropped the subject.
We have gone for our usual walk. I got Mom a salad from Schotzsky's Deli. The salad is terrific but I don't know if she'll eat any of it. I have to learn to drop that subject, also.
She is losing her mind, gradually. She knows this. She made a comment yesterday about having Alzheimer's. She is in no pain, her heart is still going but she just doesn't like to eat food. Right now it is 4pm; she doesn't want to eat the salad, she wants to eat chocolate. I just have to accept this.
Friday, May 3, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--54
I got up early today to get the car oil changed. I had the ball bearings tightened and worked on the internet at McDonalds.
Mom got up while I was away, she actually took a shower. So I said I could take her to The Egg and I. I'll drink something and this will make sure she eats something after that pitiful dinner last night.
Everything went well until Mom paid for her breakfast. The bill was $13.50. She said she paid with a $50 bill, insisting she gave the girl one bill. She showed me her change, which was $74. I questioned this. I said, 'Did you give her one bill?' She felt insulted, adamant about giving the girl one bill. I said, 'But you've been mistaken before.' That set her off. She was mad and crying and doing her version of yelling at me. So I left the apartment for a few hours.
I asked the clerk if Mom had given her one bill or two. The clerk said one, saying she gave my mother $37.50 in change. Mom had $74 in her hand that she insisted was the change the girl gave her.
I went to a half-price book store, I went to a library, I went to get myself pizza. Now I am back 4 hours later, Mom is asleep with her mail on her lap. I want to move out, but maybe I have asked that of God too many times. I don't know what she is going to say when she wakes up.
This might be the beginning of the end of us living together. I don't mind that, but it might be bad for her.
+++
She was fragile. She spoke to me gradually, so I tried to be as polite as she wants me to be. We warmed up a little at a time. I left her some pizza, which she didn't want. So I went off to my Bible study. When I returned, she said I made her nervous coming in the apartment without announcing myself.
Then she saw me eat the left-over pizza, so she wanted to eat a piece also. Later I realized she didn't really like the pizza, it was just to sit with me in the kitchen. That's what she really wanted all along
I got up early today to get the car oil changed. I had the ball bearings tightened and worked on the internet at McDonalds.
Mom got up while I was away, she actually took a shower. So I said I could take her to The Egg and I. I'll drink something and this will make sure she eats something after that pitiful dinner last night.
Everything went well until Mom paid for her breakfast. The bill was $13.50. She said she paid with a $50 bill, insisting she gave the girl one bill. She showed me her change, which was $74. I questioned this. I said, 'Did you give her one bill?' She felt insulted, adamant about giving the girl one bill. I said, 'But you've been mistaken before.' That set her off. She was mad and crying and doing her version of yelling at me. So I left the apartment for a few hours.
I asked the clerk if Mom had given her one bill or two. The clerk said one, saying she gave my mother $37.50 in change. Mom had $74 in her hand that she insisted was the change the girl gave her.
I went to a half-price book store, I went to a library, I went to get myself pizza. Now I am back 4 hours later, Mom is asleep with her mail on her lap. I want to move out, but maybe I have asked that of God too many times. I don't know what she is going to say when she wakes up.
This might be the beginning of the end of us living together. I don't mind that, but it might be bad for her.
+++
She was fragile. She spoke to me gradually, so I tried to be as polite as she wants me to be. We warmed up a little at a time. I left her some pizza, which she didn't want. So I went off to my Bible study. When I returned, she said I made her nervous coming in the apartment without announcing myself.
Then she saw me eat the left-over pizza, so she wanted to eat a piece also. Later I realized she didn't really like the pizza, it was just to sit with me in the kitchen. That's what she really wanted all along
Thursday, May 2, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--53
Today is Tuesday. Mom has eaten well for the last few days. She has gotten herself up in the morning, which is a relief to me. Her disposition has been good but she has become clingy and self-pitying lately. She has to be in the room with me, wherever I go. So I have had to leave the apartment more often to get things done.
I have learned to sleep more at the apartment duirng the day. The job shift, being 8pm to 4am, is getting boring. I am finding fewer and fewer ways to keep myself occupied all through the night.
Mom is reading better because she has been eating better. The quality of the blood is everything when you get older. Money-wise we are in good shape. We just need to keep improving.
+++
Things turned out different than I hoped. Mom wanted to go to WalMart with me to get her own kind of food. She seems to resent being under my influence a little more each day. So she got what she wanted, including alcohol, not what I would have bought her.
When she feels better, she gets independent. Then she refuses to do what she did to feel better. Then she eats less because she only eats what tastes sugary to her. Right now, I resent this, feeling like--okay, do what you want. It's really a disappointment, as much as I'd like to wish she would keep doing what made her feel good. But my mother never does. But then I know I often don't follow through on that attitude.
Today Mom has eated cereal and one slice of bread with a few peanuts. Tomorrow I will have to get her to eat real food. We will see how much she objects to what I want. I expect the worst.
Mom is watching a tv show about the Depression and the dust bowl that came west with it. My mother was part of that, as was her mother. Her mother had severe arthritis because of breathing the dust, and depression. My mother inherited the depression but not the arthritis. My mother cannot get away from this show; she loves the crying and emotional pain it causes.
I could not go along with her desire for emotional sympathy. I won't feed her self-pity and selfish emotions. I would not stand there and agree or be sympathetic. I've seen the show before and I've read works by Willa Cather, so I won't go along with her depression.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--52
Now it is Friday. I had to drive 52 miles to the company office to pick up my name tag. I was mad at this all the way there and back. Fortunately the car ran great. Now I am home.
My mother woke herself up. Then God gave us both a blessing. My brother's wife Michelle called. She verified how important it is for Mom to eat, and Mom seems to have realized the value of what I am doing for her. A blessing just when Mom and I needed it.
I came back, a bit frustrated at not having any help, so Michelle's call helped. Mom was up, not dressed, but in a decent mood. I went to WalMart for some food and drink, so I am back writing this.
I feel redeemed in what I am doing.
But my brother is going to lose all his upper teeth. He has had nothing but health issues. He used to feel that he was not wanted as a child. My Dad said he was a 'surprise,' so he resented my Dad for years. This reminds me that one of the 10 Commandments is to honor your father and mother. Phil didn't do that for years, until Dad died.
The same is true in our family. My youngest daughter April has run away from me for years and she also has health issues. My oldest daughter does not. I don't have health issues because I worshiped the ground my father walked on. It may not be fair but it is a command.
+++
This is Saturday. I have gone to the bank, to Barnes & Noble for a NY Times for my mother and done a few other things. I let her get up when she wants to get up. I've decided to let her sleep as long as she wants. She had a good breakfast by the time I was back. That is quite gratifying. I brought her the favorite cup of coffee, which she loves.
By the way, when I was at the Post Office I saw a girl. She was in her mid '30s. She had that look which I really like. I think she had a speech impediment, but I would have spoken to her if there had been any opening. There wasn't. I didn't make any opening, which I guess is my fault. Several people want me to get married again, but that would interfere with my taking care of my mother. She knows this, I do, and it doesn't bother me too much. I'd like to be done with taking care of my mother all by myself, but who knows what will happen next.
Anyway, the girl drove off and I went my own way.
I paid some bills for my mother.
Now it is Friday. I had to drive 52 miles to the company office to pick up my name tag. I was mad at this all the way there and back. Fortunately the car ran great. Now I am home.
My mother woke herself up. Then God gave us both a blessing. My brother's wife Michelle called. She verified how important it is for Mom to eat, and Mom seems to have realized the value of what I am doing for her. A blessing just when Mom and I needed it.
I came back, a bit frustrated at not having any help, so Michelle's call helped. Mom was up, not dressed, but in a decent mood. I went to WalMart for some food and drink, so I am back writing this.
I feel redeemed in what I am doing.
But my brother is going to lose all his upper teeth. He has had nothing but health issues. He used to feel that he was not wanted as a child. My Dad said he was a 'surprise,' so he resented my Dad for years. This reminds me that one of the 10 Commandments is to honor your father and mother. Phil didn't do that for years, until Dad died.
The same is true in our family. My youngest daughter April has run away from me for years and she also has health issues. My oldest daughter does not. I don't have health issues because I worshiped the ground my father walked on. It may not be fair but it is a command.
+++
This is Saturday. I have gone to the bank, to Barnes & Noble for a NY Times for my mother and done a few other things. I let her get up when she wants to get up. I've decided to let her sleep as long as she wants. She had a good breakfast by the time I was back. That is quite gratifying. I brought her the favorite cup of coffee, which she loves.
By the way, when I was at the Post Office I saw a girl. She was in her mid '30s. She had that look which I really like. I think she had a speech impediment, but I would have spoken to her if there had been any opening. There wasn't. I didn't make any opening, which I guess is my fault. Several people want me to get married again, but that would interfere with my taking care of my mother. She knows this, I do, and it doesn't bother me too much. I'd like to be done with taking care of my mother all by myself, but who knows what will happen next.
Anyway, the girl drove off and I went my own way.
I paid some bills for my mother.
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