COMING TOGETHER--65

This is Monday. I decided to leave the apartment for the golf driving range, leaving the apartment for 2 hours. I wanted to get away from Mom, and I wanted to force her to do for herself. When I returned, she was eating breakfast herself. This was gratifying. We ate together, which encourages her. She has an aversion to eating alone.

I think she feels more alone than when she was alone. It's become something she feels like you feel heat or cold. So I sit with her, even if I don't eat or drink anything.

I am thinking about this because her disposition has improved so much in the last few weeks. Maybe I say this because I don't fear it when she misses a meal or doesn't eat as much as a younger person. Maybe my being less anxious about Mom's health has relaxed her, too.

We both have adjusted to each other's differing ways. I have learned how much nerves plays in health. To be able to do something without anxiety or self condemnation seems to contribute to health. Maybe health is 90% looking at yourself without incrimination.

Mom is losing weight. In an older person this is usually fatal. When your body can no longer reproduce cells, usually the end is in sight. I have not spoken to her about this, and I will not. Her loss of weight might be temporary or it might be a long slope down.

Tomorrow, I take my mother to one of her doctors. This is Dr. Kovoor, who is monitoring her blood after a cancer treatment. They test her blood for cancer cells,, but don't do anything else. Often her blood is anemic, but I don't think it will be tomorrow.

I think my mother is attracted to Kovoor's soft manners. I don't think he does anything for her but monitor her blood for cancer cells. But this is a big social event for Mom.   He makes her feel taken care of, and my mother loves to be waited on.