COMING TOGETHER--30

Today is Friday. I am up early, taking out the garbage. Mom is asleep. I'm trying to get my throat well enough to get Dr. Drum's permission to go back to work.

I have been going to the exercise room nearly every day now. I think it has helped me a great deal.

As far as her body is concerned, Mom is no better and no worse than before. She doesn't seem to be aging in the short term, but just the same every day. I'm sure that my making her eat breakfast every day has helped her body recover.

But her memory is a little worse every day. She has forgotten to pay bills and made checks out she forgot about. This may mean that her brain cells are shutting down and at some point they will stop sending messages to her bodily function.

She woke herself up and ate well. Now she is laying down watching stupid TV shows. We don't have any special thing to do today. We're laying around like cats on a summer day.

But this afternoon, while I was out doing errands she got herself drunk. She's depressed and lonely. Last week the drug to kick her up was chocolate; now it is wine. We had a good dinner, but she kept sipping wine. So after dinner she fell down on her own. I don't think she has bruised anything or broken anything, but she couldn't get herself up. She tried to get up by taking her pants and underwear off. That didn't work. I had to pick her up, naked as she was. I had to make her go to her bathroom to put some sort of clothes on before she got into bed.

She was remorseful. She knows that getting drunk does not make her less lonely. She slept for an hour, then got up on her own, seemingly back to the way she should be. She came out of her bedroom for a drink in the kitchen. She seems to have recovered. Now I find out she cannot control her urine movements; there are urine trails on the bedroom carpet.

I may have to quit my job to take care of her. I don't want to quit the job but my mother needs care 18 hours a day. We can work out the money, but this is such a drain on me. I don't know how bad my mother's bodily situation is or how to rate it. I will have to talk to some people about it.

COMING TOGETHER--29

Today is Wednesday. I feel much better. I feel good enough to go to work, although my mother will probably object to that.

I'm going to go to Baylor Plano to get a doctor who will follow up on my condition. The issue behind all of this is what caused the breakdown in my immune system. I don't know.

Meanwhile, my mother is doing okay, but lazy. Yesterday she did nothing but lay around and eat chocolate. I will see if she wants to go with me to Baylor Plano; I expect that she will just to socialize with her doctors.

Sometimes I think my mother being in some sort of care facility would make her interact with others more than she does, make her get up and walk around more than she does. I need more time away from her than I've had lately.

This is Thursday. Yesterday for dinner Mom ate nearly nothing but ice cream and cookies. So overnight she slept 13 hours. She didn't want to get out of bed. I had to turn on the light to interfere with her laziness and make her get up. She did eat well, but she's lost something.

I believe all that sugar is effecting her. She claimed I was talking with someone this morning when I was not. She's in one of her, I can do whatever I want, moods. I know I can't oppose her as actively as I'd like to, as it doesn't get through to her.

I'm feeling better everyday. But as I get better that makes me different from Mom more and more. As I as healthier she becomes slower, losing whatever she had yesterday. The contrast between us gets greater and I want to leave this situation, even though I know I can't. So I have to put my life down again and again.

COMING TOGETHER--27

Now Sunday morning has passed. We went to Mom's church, which is Presbyterian. The people are nice enough, but is that sufficient? Is that even what God wants? I certainly can't go on through the week on that alone. I have to have some degree of spirituality.

I don't think I got it this morning.

So I went by myself to an Episcopal church. The place is quite ornate in an old European style church. The liturgy is long, with spoken parts written out centuries ago.

It makes me wonder how worship affects people. The Presbyterian worship is humanly minimal, with an emphasis on what the people in the community are like; the Episcopal liturgy is so set the people seem distant.

Meanwhile, my mother went to lunch with my brother's daughter's fiance. They seemed to have a decent time, talking about their latest doings and goings. I couldn't live like that, trading church for a restaurant. But was I any better? I don't know.

At least I got away from my mother for a few hours. I sat in my car, wondering who I am, what I am, nearly dozing off a few times. My caring for her was like falling down so deep into a mine shaft that when I got back to the surface, I didn't know what it was.

This is existence, this is breathing, but who am I?

　

COMING TOGETHER--28

Well, now, you'll never guess what happened. I developed a throat infection and temperature.

My mother panicked. She called my brother to take us to the hospital, where I was examined. I didn't have pneumonia or the flu, but I had a yeast infection and inflammation of my throat.

I had been saying, if this is my last day on earth I have fulfilled the opportunities God has given me; I have made out my will; I'm ready to go. But God said no.

Now I have joined the pill generation. Two medications, one for my mouth and one for my throat. I am tired.

Eating is an ordeal. It takes great pain to swallow any food so I have to have eggs and soup and water. No matter what it is, the pain of swallowing is great. But I have to eat, I have to do the best I can.

COMING TOGETHER--24

Today I did some errands early. When I returned Mom was up but not dressed. She still is not dressed. When I do favors for her she gets lazy. So I am avoiding her right now.

She received two calls, the second one for lunch tomorrow with somebody else. Thank God. I can get away from this apartment. The only thing to do here is eat and sleep.

The bed I'm sleeping in is killing my back. It was made to support my mother'ss 120+ pounds, not my 240+ pounds. We will have to get another bed. Right now I'm laying down on the floor, which helps more than anything.

I'm going to ask God to go before me and do things for me. To be perfectly honest, this arrangement bores me and discourages me. I'm not Mr. Relationship.

I wish I could come up with some reason for leaving the apartment early for work, but there isn't one right now.

　

COMING TOGETHER--25

Today I confronted Mom over her driving. I said if she's going to drive, she doesn't need me much any more. I told her I don't want to stay here for a year; maybe 6 months but not a year.

Her apartment is crowded to the max; there is something on every square inch of tables, chairs, sofas, closets, you name it. It's all right for her but for me it's like living in a phone booth.

So I told her, 'Do you want to drive by yourself, or don't you?'

She said she'd think about it.

I have to work 8 hours, 5 days now so I won't be here as much as I've been. Can she take care of herself, or not?

I don't want to live in her apartment but it is saving me money.

She didn't give any answer right away, which I took to mean she doesn't want to make an answer. She might have presumed I was going to be here for a year. She is not dressed as this is 12 noon.

+++

After thinking about it, Mom doesn't want me to leave. I suppose it would be disruption but I cannot go on living her life and not my own. I need to get away from her and caring for her but not myself. Tomorrow is Sunday.

　

COMING TOGETHER--26

Now my brother's daughter's fiance` called. He wanted to take Mom out to breakfast, but we are going to church. So Mom said they could come by after church. I agreed because I was driving at the time.

But I'm not going out with them. I'm glad they're coming for her; I need to get away from her and from them. I don't know what I will do tomorrow but I think I have to get away from them all.

Care giving is martyrdom. You live someone else's life, at least for a few hours. But the caregiver gets to go home; I don't.

So I need to get away. I wish I had a girlfriend or my Dad. I need to have a life, but I won't have one going on like this. I really miss myself. And yet, I can't say I have dug in with anyone. I can only say, I am no one by myself, I am partially no one with others.

I'm tired of living someone else's or tagging along after someone else. It's like living in a foreign country, you never quite fit, you can never quite relax.

I myself am looking for a life. This seems to be the theme underlying me as I take care of my mother. She soaks me up, I become a drained cup. I often wish I were somewhere else, someone else but that cannot be. I am festering man.

This life I lead is boring and meaningless. My mother and I live in a part of Dallas which is all shops, restaurants, places to spend and then leave. There are homes around here, for young families who eventually will go off somewhere else. If you just want to spend, fine. But what if you want a life that has some satisfaction, as I do? Then, nothing but traffic.

　

COMING TOGETHER--22

We have had another good day. I took my mother to church--she got dressed in 11 minutes! We were not late and we enjoyed ourselves. I can't say I enjoy Mom's church, it's more of a country club than the body of Christ, but she is inspired by it.

COMING TOGETHER--23

This has been a good day, Monday. Mom was not up when I left the apartment to do several chores. It was good for me to just not think about her, just to get away. Still, I can't really get away.

Mom was up when I came back, she had something for breakfast, and was in good spirits. She has leveled off, and she seems to realize if she begins with breakfast everything goes well.

Her hearing is fading. She has to have the tv so loud. But I can't say it bothers me all that much. I am more bothered by her not eating than the loud tv.

The weather here is bad, high winds and snow north of us in Dallas. A bad, howling snowstorm came across the midwest, heading for New England. And the news out of Washington about budget cuts is nervous. These cuts have to come if we are to avoid being Greece or another country, but the news of what has to be done is still nerve wracking.

We are all right here and now. We have enough food, we have a great shelter, and I have a job--at least for now.

COMING TOGETHER--21

We have had another good day. Mom has gotten herself up again, even at 9am! This is good news. I was going to leave her but if she continues to co-operate like this, I will change my mind. She accepted the apple juice that she rejected before, she ate a good breakfast. So things are much better than they were. I like this.

I've been able to get my writing done, I've taken a short nap, and we have gotten along much better than before.

In fact, Mom is actually out walking without being prompted by me or anyone else--this is good.

　

COMING TOGETHER--22

We have had another good day. I took my mother to church--she got dressed in 11 minutes! We were not late and we enjoyed ourselves. I can't say I enjoy Mom's church, it's more of a country club than the body of Christ, but she is inspired by it.

COMING TOGETHER--20

This morning is much better. Her doctor called at 930am, the exact time I usually have to drag her out of bed. They did it for me. Then she got up, evidently feeling like she needed to act differently toward me.

She came in the kitchen, asking what I would want for breakfast. So instead of me having to force cereal down her, she is trying to make breakfaast for both of us. She accepted the apple juice today which she rejected yesterday.

Her attitude is better and we both ate in a strained lack of talk. We were both walking on glass, careful of what to say.

Gradually we learned to get along better, probably the way we should have all along. I thought, I should not have forced her out of bed; I should have prayed that God would go before me.

　

COMING TOGETHER--21

We have had another good day. Mom has gotten herself up again, even at 9am! This is good news. I was going to leave her but if she continues to co-operate like this, I will change my mind. She accepted the apple juice that she rejected before, she ate a good breakfast. So things are much better than they were. I like this.

I've been able to get my writing done, I've taken a short nap, and we have gotten along much better than before.

In fact, Mom is actually out walking without being prompted by me or anyone else--this is good.

COMING TOGETHER--18

Last night Mom said she would eat meatloaf for dinner, but she lied. She did not, probably had no intention of eating it. Right now it is 830am, she is lying in bed. I expect to have to get her out of bed at 930; I expect to have to make her eat breakfast when she does get up. This is going to be a bad day. I despise a liar and I have to accept the fact that she is willing to lie or do anything to get her way, even if it kills her.

At first I was angry at this. But it's my fault for thinking she would ever be anything but the manipulator she's always been. This makes any good time we might have had before seem phony.

I might have to accept she will not eat more than once a day. I have to accept what she really is and she will do this again.

　

COMING TOGETHER--19

Today was contentious. I had to take her to her hairdresser, although I didn't really have to. There was much antagonism between us all day. She told me to bring her lunch while she sat under the hairdresser, which I did. I knew I was being treatted like a slave but I did it because I had been hard on her.

When we got home, Jack came by. He was a blessing from God.

She began to tell him how great she was. I felt urged within myself to contradict her, so I did. And in front of him. That ruined the phony act she was putting on about being so good. She likes to tell people how well she eats, when this is a lie. She told Jack how much she walks around the property when she does no such thing.

After a while, she told me to leave the room. She went into her haughty act with Jack because he actually came to ask for money for his daughter. Giving money makes her feel good, so she did it.

I left for work, thinking, I have to get out of ths arrangement with her. I have to get out of her apartment and away from her. So I went on to work, trying to feel free of her clinginess and her deceptions. At work I emailed my daughter and sister about the truth of this situation.

　

COMING TOGETHER--16

It has been a long day. I am back at the apartment,with my mother at the hotel. We probably need to be separated. She likes being waited on, I do not like waiting on her.

I went out to a store after dropping her off. I just needed to find my own life again after 4 weeks of her. I'm very sleepy.

I can't sleep all through the night. Probably lack of nutrittion or something. I'm beginning to not want to be here, although I have nothing really iimportant to do elsewhere.

In a way, it's better not having her here, or so it seems. This drains me since all the people who might help me or show some support for me are not in my family. They are at a church. I feel drained, a dry throat in a desert. It is 120am in the morrning, and I wish the time would just go away.

　

COMING TOGETHER--17

I have come to the hotel. I saw Mom walking to the registration desk, dressed and ready to check out. This is wonderful. She is ready to go. So we went to the restaurant for breakfast.

Mom was in a wonderful mood. The night away from me and the apartment did as much for her as for me. We sat down to order. The breakfast was awesome and expensive. We both enjoyed ourselves and had a good talk.

The hotel has a Black church convention on the 3rd floor. There were people everywhere. And they were well-dressed. So we ate in the restaurant with many others.

Mom and I had a good talk during breakfast. When we came back to her apartment, where I crashed asleep. Mom is not being difficult or lazy or refusing to do what she should.

COMING TOGETHER--15

Today we had a crisis. The carpet cleaners came in, and they have a solution that takes 6 hours to dry. My mother said she wanted us to go to a hotel for the night. She didn't want to walk in the carpet until tomorrow. I refused to go. She hated me for that. She told me she hated me for making her eat breakfast. She said she'd tell everyone what a mean man I am.

So she tried to go to sleep in the kitchen until tomorrow when she'll let herself walk on the carpet. But it didn't work. She slept for an hour, then woke up and told me she was going for a walk. As I write this, she is off walking.

We may not get along well from now on. I know I have to make her eat breakfast but she will scheme something. She will scheme something while she is walking.

I suppose this was inevitable. We never got along, really. She always said I've wasted my life. She's always said she didn't like anything I was interested in. And I think I have begun to lose patience with her. We will have to create some sort of settled divide.

My mother is home now from her walk. She had to cut it short, sneezing and coughing with the pollen from the trees. She seems more reasonable but now she's sleeping in her chair. I think I need to spend less time with her, at the least.

Maybe this will blow over.

I played a big band cd on my laptop and that seemed to break the ice. Gradually she has warmed up and begun to speak to me. She will have to walk on the cleaned carpet to get her things for the hotel! Ha! But she knows that. Now she is preparing to spend the night in a hotel.

I won't be with her--unless something happens.

COMING TOGETHER--14

My brother's wife came over to take my mother out to lunch. They're like two cats fighting. They argue over who will pay, they keep accounts against each other--'No, I'll pay, no I'll pay'...and this goes on and on. They both think throwing money around makes them superior to the other. Two controlling women at each other.

Neither one seems to have any notion of forgiveness or love. Neither one of them seems to have any notion of being unselfish.

So I just left them to their stupid fighting. I went away to do some jogging and throw the baseball around a field.

But if I don't forgive them for them being who they are, I would be just like them. I wish my family could actually be a family, not just a forced group standing there, arguing, trying to be superior, being fools.

All of this has made me realize the wisdom of getting away from the past. My sister Nancy got away from here. She married a man who was not anything like her father, she got away from Texas and she has not returned. I wish I had done that, gone somewhere else, been someone else. But it's too late for that.

COMING TOGETHER--13

Today went well, in fact, my mother seems to be getting adjusted to getting up and having breakfast. I had my schedule changed today. I went to work at noon, coming home at 8pm.

When I came home, I frightened mom. She forgot I was coming home at 845pm, she thought I was an intruder. Her heart raced, which actually is a good sign. I'll have to call her before I get home. We had some fruit in her kitchen together and she is better now.

Her mind is improving, showing some interest in other things than her usual stuff. She is still up at 9pm at night, and that is good, also.

I have felt great stress. I have felt great fatigue and sleeplessness. I have wondered how long I can go on doing this, living with my mother and taking care of her and me and two cars and two bank accounts and other sruff. I have felt a sense of death and doom, wishing it could lift somehow.

But now I feel better.

COMING TOGETHER-12

Today is Sunday. We were supposed to go to church. My mother said she'd get up at 730am, but all she did was turn over to put the alarm clock out of her misery.

I should have known she wasn't going to get up on her own. I got up on 3 hours sleep for no reason.

So I am going to church by myself, which I probably prefer anyway. It is 830am as I write this. The birds are out, the mild sun is upon us in a chilly way, and I am all right. My mother is sleeping, but not really asleep. She is being lazy.

I told her I would not force her out of bed like I did the last few days. My anxiety makes me wish I could get her up before I leave, but I gave my word.

When she heard me open the garage door, she stirred. She did roll out of bed, get dressed and finally we did walk out of the house to church. We were 20 minutes late. I've never been late for church before but we ended up sitting on the front row--kind of exposed to everyone's view!

Actually church went well. I'm glad I went. I'm glad I took my mother.

What have I learned in all this?

That when the end is good, the means don't have to go my way.

God has many routes to the same destination.

My mother is not sleeping all day today. She is in good spirits, and some of my old selfishness is coming out. Today was more about me and my immaturity than about my mother.

COMING TOGETHER-12

Today is Sunday. We were supposed to go to church. My mother said she'd get up at 730am, but all she did was turn over to put the alarm clock out of her misery.

I should have known she wasn't going to get up on her own. I got up on 3 hours sleep for no reason.

So I am going to church by myself, which I probably prefer anyway. It is 830am as I write this. The birds are out, the mild sun is upon us in a chilly way, and I am all right. My mother is sleeping, but not really asleep. She is being lazy.

I told her I would not force her out of bed like I did the last few days. My anxiety makes me wish I could get her up before I leave, but I gave my word.

When she heard me open the garage door, she stirred. She did roll out of bed, get dressed and finally we did walk out of the house to church. We were 20 minutes late. I've never been late for church before but we ended up sitting on the front row--kind of exposed to everyone's view!

Actually church went well. I'm glad I went. I'm glad I took my mother.

What have I learned in all this?

That when the end is good, the means don't have to go my way.

God has many routes to the same destination.

My mother is not sleeping all day today. She is in good spirits, and some of my old selfishness is coming out. Today was more about me and my immaturity than about my mother.

COMING TOGETHER--11

I have been think about my mother's life and death. Her body is not supporting her own life; she does not get any better when she eats. I am reviving her body once a day and then she slumps again that night.

I wonder if the morning will come when I must decide to revive her or not I do not want that decision; I want God to take her life before that happens. I won't feel morally guilty but it will excavate something from me which will never come back.

It is too close to determining her life and death. And that has sunk my heart. I can't say I am not affected by this. It may be the, you must lose your life to find it. I do not look forward to the morning when I must decide to stop feeding her or stop making her get up.

She may ask me to stop. Should I keep this to myself? Could I ever keep this to me?

Would it a form of death upon me if I did let her go?

I think maybe it is. Attachments are painful, yet they are what we have. The only thing I can think of to alleviate this is God. I have been up this night, staring at the stars, the blank night. I know I have done what is right before now but I don't have what is out there now.

It makes me wonder, in what way I am responsible for what comes tomorrow? Some sort of other responsibility, no doubt. I watch my mother breathe in her bed--like a child, yet at the end of life. A sneaking out, a door closing, a breath ending as it once began 92 years ago.

COMING TOGETHER--10

It is the next day. We went through the same, 'I don't want to get up,' routine as yesterday. But Mom was not so depressed as yesterday. Once she gets up she is all right.

She does eat slowly, move slowly, think slowly. I have to keep this in mind when I make her get up.

Tomorrow is Sunday. I will go to church and let Mom sleep as long as she wants. I've told her that already. Maybe I should not get her up the way I'm doing now. We will see what happens tomorrow.

Right now Mom is watching some television show that seems like a teenager adventure show. She likes that action, imagining herself as being there, as being that young.