COMING TOGETHER--24

Today I did some errands early. When I returned Mom was up but not dressed. She still is not dressed. When I do favors for her she gets lazy. So I am avoiding her right now.

She received two calls, the second one for lunch tomorrow with somebody else. Thank God. I can get away from this apartment. The only thing to do here is eat and sleep.

The bed I'm sleeping in is killing my back. It was made to support my mother'ss 120+ pounds, not my 240+ pounds. We will have to get another bed. Right now I'm laying down on the floor, which helps more than anything.

I'm going to ask God to go before me and do things for me. To be perfectly honest, this arrangement bores me and discourages me. I'm not Mr. Relationship.

I wish I could come up with some reason for leaving the apartment early for work, but there isn't one right now.

　

COMING TOGETHER--25

Today I confronted Mom over her driving. I said if she's going to drive, she doesn't need me much any more. I told her I don't want to stay here for a year; maybe 6 months but not a year.

Her apartment is crowded to the max; there is something on every square inch of tables, chairs, sofas, closets, you name it. It's all right for her but for me it's like living in a phone booth.

So I told her, 'Do you want to drive by yourself, or don't you?'

She said she'd think about it.

I have to work 8 hours, 5 days now so I won't be here as much as I've been. Can she take care of herself, or not?

I don't want to live in her apartment but it is saving me money.

She didn't give any answer right away, which I took to mean she doesn't want to make an answer. She might have presumed I was going to be here for a year. She is not dressed as this is 12 noon.

+++

After thinking about it, Mom doesn't want me to leave. I suppose it would be disruption but I cannot go on living her life and not my own. I need to get away from her and caring for her but not myself. Tomorrow is Sunday.

　

COMING TOGETHER--26

Now my brother's daughter's fiance` called. He wanted to take Mom out to breakfast, but we are going to church. So Mom said they could come by after church. I agreed because I was driving at the time.

But I'm not going out with them. I'm glad they're coming for her; I need to get away from her and from them. I don't know what I will do tomorrow but I think I have to get away from them all.

Care giving is martyrdom. You live someone else's life, at least for a few hours. But the caregiver gets to go home; I don't.

So I need to get away. I wish I had a girlfriend or my Dad. I need to have a life, but I won't have one going on like this. I really miss myself. And yet, I can't say I have dug in with anyone. I can only say, I am no one by myself, I am partially no one with others.

I'm tired of living someone else's or tagging along after someone else. It's like living in a foreign country, you never quite fit, you can never quite relax.

I myself am looking for a life. This seems to be the theme underlying me as I take care of my mother. She soaks me up, I become a drained cup. I often wish I were somewhere else, someone else but that cannot be. I am festering man.

This life I lead is boring and meaningless. My mother and I live in a part of Dallas which is all shops, restaurants, places to spend and then leave. There are homes around here, for young families who eventually will go off somewhere else. If you just want to spend, fine. But what if you want a life that has some satisfaction, as I do? Then, nothing but traffic.