COMING TOGETHER--59

It is now late Saturday, I am worn out in my nerves. Mom got a graduation card from my cousin's daughter Elizabeth. She married a guy my cousin didn't like. So Mom thought she could step into that relationship and do something, I don't know what.

So Mom wanted us to fly to Memphis next week, to the graduation. I refused to fly but said I'd take her to the airport. That made Mom think she was getting free of her aging limitations, that she could just pick up and go to the airport like she used to do.

However it turned out that Mom couldn't fly unless there was someone there to take care of her. She hoped it would be Elizabeth's mother, my cousin Bunny. I thought that it was selfish for my mother to put herself upon Bunny's time and energy. My mother doesn't realize how much trouble she is to take care of, 7 days a week.

Fortunately, the graduation is contingent upon a basketball game in the same arena in which the graduation would be. So I could say that Mom can't go. That was a great relief to me.

I hope that will put off any travel plans for a while. This is becoming an oppressive subject for me. I don't want to spend more time with my mother, I want to spend less time with her.

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She is an oppression to me. As long as she is alive, I have no life. I am taking care of her 7 days a week. This is more than a professional nurse or anyone in a nursing home. They get to go home after 8 hours of work; I have to stay with my mother, 24-7. I can't have any personal life, any social life, any life at all since I am a living servant to my mother. If she were a different person, this would not be so bad but my mother loves to be served so much she will always see me as her servant.

I know this will never end. I know I will never have any personal happiness in this life. I have no choice except to accept this, like John the Baptist accepted his beheading. Not a sweet thought, I know but it crossed my mind just now.