COMING TOGETHER--30

Today is Friday. I am up early, taking out the garbage. Mom is asleep. I'm trying to get my throat well enough to get Dr. Drum's permission to go back to work.

I have been going to the exercise room nearly every day now. I think it has helped me a great deal.

As far as her body is concerned, Mom is no better and no worse than before. She doesn't seem to be aging in the short term, but just the same every day. I'm sure that my making her eat breakfast every day has helped her body recover.

But her memory is a little worse every day. She has forgotten to pay bills and made checks out she forgot about. This may mean that her brain cells are shutting down and at some point they will stop sending messages to her bodily function.

She woke herself up and ate well. Now she is laying down watching stupid TV shows. We don't have any special thing to do today. We're laying around like cats on a summer day.

But this afternoon, while I was out doing errands she got herself drunk. She's depressed and lonely. Last week the drug to kick her up was chocolate; now it is wine. We had a good dinner, but she kept sipping wine. So after dinner she fell down on her own. I don't think she has bruised anything or broken anything, but she couldn't get herself up. She tried to get up by taking her pants and underwear off. That didn't work. I had to pick her up, naked as she was. I had to make her go to her bathroom to put some sort of clothes on before she got into bed.

She was remorseful. She knows that getting drunk does not make her less lonely. She slept for an hour, then got up on her own, seemingly back to the way she should be. She came out of her bedroom for a drink in the kitchen. She seems to have recovered. Now I find out she cannot control her urine movements; there are urine trails on the bedroom carpet.

I may have to quit my job to take care of her. I don't want to quit the job but my mother needs care 18 hours a day. We can work out the money, but this is such a drain on me. I don't know how bad my mother's bodily situation is or how to rate it. I will have to talk to some people about it.

COMING TOGETHER--29

Today is Wednesday. I feel much better. I feel good enough to go to work, although my mother will probably object to that.

I'm going to go to Baylor Plano to get a doctor who will follow up on my condition. The issue behind all of this is what caused the breakdown in my immune system. I don't know.

Meanwhile, my mother is doing okay, but lazy. Yesterday she did nothing but lay around and eat chocolate. I will see if she wants to go with me to Baylor Plano; I expect that she will just to socialize with her doctors.

Sometimes I think my mother being in some sort of care facility would make her interact with others more than she does, make her get up and walk around more than she does. I need more time away from her than I've had lately.

This is Thursday. Yesterday for dinner Mom ate nearly nothing but ice cream and cookies. So overnight she slept 13 hours. She didn't want to get out of bed. I had to turn on the light to interfere with her laziness and make her get up. She did eat well, but she's lost something.

I believe all that sugar is effecting her. She claimed I was talking with someone this morning when I was not. She's in one of her, I can do whatever I want, moods. I know I can't oppose her as actively as I'd like to, as it doesn't get through to her.

I'm feeling better everyday. But as I get better that makes me different from Mom more and more. As I as healthier she becomes slower, losing whatever she had yesterday. The contrast between us gets greater and I want to leave this situation, even though I know I can't. So I have to put my life down again and again.

COMING TOGETHER--27

Now Sunday morning has passed. We went to Mom's church, which is Presbyterian. The people are nice enough, but is that sufficient? Is that even what God wants? I certainly can't go on through the week on that alone. I have to have some degree of spirituality.

I don't think I got it this morning.

So I went by myself to an Episcopal church. The place is quite ornate in an old European style church. The liturgy is long, with spoken parts written out centuries ago.

It makes me wonder how worship affects people. The Presbyterian worship is humanly minimal, with an emphasis on what the people in the community are like; the Episcopal liturgy is so set the people seem distant.

Meanwhile, my mother went to lunch with my brother's daughter's fiance. They seemed to have a decent time, talking about their latest doings and goings. I couldn't live like that, trading church for a restaurant. But was I any better? I don't know.

At least I got away from my mother for a few hours. I sat in my car, wondering who I am, what I am, nearly dozing off a few times. My caring for her was like falling down so deep into a mine shaft that when I got back to the surface, I didn't know what it was.

This is existence, this is breathing, but who am I?

　

COMING TOGETHER--28

Well, now, you'll never guess what happened. I developed a throat infection and temperature.

My mother panicked. She called my brother to take us to the hospital, where I was examined. I didn't have pneumonia or the flu, but I had a yeast infection and inflammation of my throat.

I had been saying, if this is my last day on earth I have fulfilled the opportunities God has given me; I have made out my will; I'm ready to go. But God said no.

Now I have joined the pill generation. Two medications, one for my mouth and one for my throat. I am tired.

Eating is an ordeal. It takes great pain to swallow any food so I have to have eggs and soup and water. No matter what it is, the pain of swallowing is great. But I have to eat, I have to do the best I can.

COMING TOGETHER--24

Today I did some errands early. When I returned Mom was up but not dressed. She still is not dressed. When I do favors for her she gets lazy. So I am avoiding her right now.

She received two calls, the second one for lunch tomorrow with somebody else. Thank God. I can get away from this apartment. The only thing to do here is eat and sleep.

The bed I'm sleeping in is killing my back. It was made to support my mother'ss 120+ pounds, not my 240+ pounds. We will have to get another bed. Right now I'm laying down on the floor, which helps more than anything.

I'm going to ask God to go before me and do things for me. To be perfectly honest, this arrangement bores me and discourages me. I'm not Mr. Relationship.

I wish I could come up with some reason for leaving the apartment early for work, but there isn't one right now.

　

COMING TOGETHER--25

Today I confronted Mom over her driving. I said if she's going to drive, she doesn't need me much any more. I told her I don't want to stay here for a year; maybe 6 months but not a year.

Her apartment is crowded to the max; there is something on every square inch of tables, chairs, sofas, closets, you name it. It's all right for her but for me it's like living in a phone booth.

So I told her, 'Do you want to drive by yourself, or don't you?'

She said she'd think about it.

I have to work 8 hours, 5 days now so I won't be here as much as I've been. Can she take care of herself, or not?

I don't want to live in her apartment but it is saving me money.

She didn't give any answer right away, which I took to mean she doesn't want to make an answer. She might have presumed I was going to be here for a year. She is not dressed as this is 12 noon.

+++

After thinking about it, Mom doesn't want me to leave. I suppose it would be disruption but I cannot go on living her life and not my own. I need to get away from her and caring for her but not myself. Tomorrow is Sunday.

　

COMING TOGETHER--26

Now my brother's daughter's fiance` called. He wanted to take Mom out to breakfast, but we are going to church. So Mom said they could come by after church. I agreed because I was driving at the time.

But I'm not going out with them. I'm glad they're coming for her; I need to get away from her and from them. I don't know what I will do tomorrow but I think I have to get away from them all.

Care giving is martyrdom. You live someone else's life, at least for a few hours. But the caregiver gets to go home; I don't.

So I need to get away. I wish I had a girlfriend or my Dad. I need to have a life, but I won't have one going on like this. I really miss myself. And yet, I can't say I have dug in with anyone. I can only say, I am no one by myself, I am partially no one with others.

I'm tired of living someone else's or tagging along after someone else. It's like living in a foreign country, you never quite fit, you can never quite relax.

I myself am looking for a life. This seems to be the theme underlying me as I take care of my mother. She soaks me up, I become a drained cup. I often wish I were somewhere else, someone else but that cannot be. I am festering man.

This life I lead is boring and meaningless. My mother and I live in a part of Dallas which is all shops, restaurants, places to spend and then leave. There are homes around here, for young families who eventually will go off somewhere else. If you just want to spend, fine. But what if you want a life that has some satisfaction, as I do? Then, nothing but traffic.

　

COMING TOGETHER--22

We have had another good day. I took my mother to church--she got dressed in 11 minutes! We were not late and we enjoyed ourselves. I can't say I enjoy Mom's church, it's more of a country club than the body of Christ, but she is inspired by it.

COMING TOGETHER--23

This has been a good day, Monday. Mom was not up when I left the apartment to do several chores. It was good for me to just not think about her, just to get away. Still, I can't really get away.

Mom was up when I came back, she had something for breakfast, and was in good spirits. She has leveled off, and she seems to realize if she begins with breakfast everything goes well.

Her hearing is fading. She has to have the tv so loud. But I can't say it bothers me all that much. I am more bothered by her not eating than the loud tv.

The weather here is bad, high winds and snow north of us in Dallas. A bad, howling snowstorm came across the midwest, heading for New England. And the news out of Washington about budget cuts is nervous. These cuts have to come if we are to avoid being Greece or another country, but the news of what has to be done is still nerve wracking.

We are all right here and now. We have enough food, we have a great shelter, and I have a job--at least for now.

COMING TOGETHER--21

We have had another good day. Mom has gotten herself up again, even at 9am! This is good news. I was going to leave her but if she continues to co-operate like this, I will change my mind. She accepted the apple juice that she rejected before, she ate a good breakfast. So things are much better than they were. I like this.

I've been able to get my writing done, I've taken a short nap, and we have gotten along much better than before.

In fact, Mom is actually out walking without being prompted by me or anyone else--this is good.

　

COMING TOGETHER--22

We have had another good day. I took my mother to church--she got dressed in 11 minutes! We were not late and we enjoyed ourselves. I can't say I enjoy Mom's church, it's more of a country club than the body of Christ, but she is inspired by it.

COMING TOGETHER--20

This morning is much better. Her doctor called at 930am, the exact time I usually have to drag her out of bed. They did it for me. Then she got up, evidently feeling like she needed to act differently toward me.

She came in the kitchen, asking what I would want for breakfast. So instead of me having to force cereal down her, she is trying to make breakfaast for both of us. She accepted the apple juice today which she rejected yesterday.

Her attitude is better and we both ate in a strained lack of talk. We were both walking on glass, careful of what to say.

Gradually we learned to get along better, probably the way we should have all along. I thought, I should not have forced her out of bed; I should have prayed that God would go before me.

　

COMING TOGETHER--21

We have had another good day. Mom has gotten herself up again, even at 9am! This is good news. I was going to leave her but if she continues to co-operate like this, I will change my mind. She accepted the apple juice that she rejected before, she ate a good breakfast. So things are much better than they were. I like this.

I've been able to get my writing done, I've taken a short nap, and we have gotten along much better than before.

In fact, Mom is actually out walking without being prompted by me or anyone else--this is good.