COMING TOGETHER-83
What a day this has been. I am exhausted. I am worn out with dealing with my mother's ways, with this move to a retirement facility. I am worn out with all the driving, with putting up with my mother's emotions, her delays, her reluctance and bad memory and fears, things she forgets, the things she doesn't want to do, the things she will not do.
I should have done this months ago, but no one in the family had gone through this before.
Now that Mom is in a nice retirement facility, I am homeless. I will have to find an apartment soon, and one that's pretty cheap.
My brother wants to come over to inspect things. He believes he needs to give his approval. He thinks he can do better than me; we'll go ahead, Phil, do better. You can do it all if you want.
I am not a health care professional, I can't take care of her 100% of the time, I can 40% of the time but living with Mom and trying to work has ruined my life, it has worn me down.
I have change of address stuff to do, more things to move, more chores with all of this.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Sunday, June 30, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--82
Well now, guess what happened. Scorpions came into Mom's apartment, scaring her pretty good, convincing her she needed to move out. I killed one in her kitchen while she was there. I had the apartments call the exterminator, who came out to spray and leave traps.
But then the next night another baby scorpion showed up in one of the bedrooms. Evidently, this one came through the bathroom associated with that bedroom. They are ugly, threatening looking like miniature crabs with a tongue like a cobra. The exterminator had done the minimum; but not enough to keep Mom from wanting to move.
In a way, I like the result. I am in contact with a lady who specializes in finding accomodations for the elderly. I hope to meet her Sunday. This might just work, even though moving Mom's furniture will be an ordeal.
Maybe living in a retirement apartment complex will enable me to work on days rather than nights. Maybe I'll get some time away from my mother. I need it, my friends say they look at my face and can see the stress and discouragement.
Now it is Sunday afternoon. I have met with Ruth, who specializes in finding the right place for people in retirement. We met, had a long talk. She mentioned a place about 2 miles from where Mom and I live. I went over there. I really liked the place, but Mom has been noncommittal. I hope she is willing to move in.
Our immediate problem is the rent is due on Tuesday. She would have to break her lease to move right away; I wish she would move right away but that involves some serious cash. And then we would have to find a place for all of her stuff. I don't think all of her stuff will go into the new apartment, but about 90% of it will.
The new retirement apartment management don't want me living with Mom, which is great! I dont want to live with her any more. It's too stressful to be worried about her 24/7. I probably should just stop worrying but if there's no one to come see her, it's hard to just stop.
This means I will have to get an apartment, back to living on a shoestring and dealing with a tight budget. Oh well, this living well was the best revenge but it's about to end.
Well now, guess what happened. Scorpions came into Mom's apartment, scaring her pretty good, convincing her she needed to move out. I killed one in her kitchen while she was there. I had the apartments call the exterminator, who came out to spray and leave traps.
But then the next night another baby scorpion showed up in one of the bedrooms. Evidently, this one came through the bathroom associated with that bedroom. They are ugly, threatening looking like miniature crabs with a tongue like a cobra. The exterminator had done the minimum; but not enough to keep Mom from wanting to move.
In a way, I like the result. I am in contact with a lady who specializes in finding accomodations for the elderly. I hope to meet her Sunday. This might just work, even though moving Mom's furniture will be an ordeal.
Maybe living in a retirement apartment complex will enable me to work on days rather than nights. Maybe I'll get some time away from my mother. I need it, my friends say they look at my face and can see the stress and discouragement.
Now it is Sunday afternoon. I have met with Ruth, who specializes in finding the right place for people in retirement. We met, had a long talk. She mentioned a place about 2 miles from where Mom and I live. I went over there. I really liked the place, but Mom has been noncommittal. I hope she is willing to move in.
Our immediate problem is the rent is due on Tuesday. She would have to break her lease to move right away; I wish she would move right away but that involves some serious cash. And then we would have to find a place for all of her stuff. I don't think all of her stuff will go into the new apartment, but about 90% of it will.
The new retirement apartment management don't want me living with Mom, which is great! I dont want to live with her any more. It's too stressful to be worried about her 24/7. I probably should just stop worrying but if there's no one to come see her, it's hard to just stop.
This means I will have to get an apartment, back to living on a shoestring and dealing with a tight budget. Oh well, this living well was the best revenge but it's about to end.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--81
Today is Saturday. I left Mom yesterday afternoon with food, which she ate. This is gratifying to me. I am more confident that she will take care of herself with me gone.
This morning she remembered a bill to pay. She got herself up by 930am and ate cereal by herself. So I got her coffee from McDonalds. Now she is watching her new flat screen tv, which she loves. Actually I feel better about what we're doing than I have in some time.
Mom is eating food we have left over from previous days; I think this is a good thing. I am making her get out of her easy chair and prepare her own food. I don't think she wants to do for herself any more.
I gave her a shower today. I mentioned she needs a nurse to do this and she agreed, but more because she doesn't want me to have to do something I don't want. She thinks it is distasteful to me to do this; it is to some degree but not as much as she might think. Still, the fact she acknowledges that she needs a professional nurse is a giant step in the right direction.
One of her favorite tv shows is scheduled for tonight. It has not been on in 2 weeks. She hopes it is tonight. I think that would make the night go better, so I hope it is on, too.
It is very hot outside. Mom no longer walks around the apartment complex. She sits on the steps for a few minutes and then comes in. I wonder if she does this out of depression, or maybe she's just bored, or maybe she is lonely. I can't say. Still, I don't go out there with her and she doesn't ask me to, either.
Today is Saturday. I left Mom yesterday afternoon with food, which she ate. This is gratifying to me. I am more confident that she will take care of herself with me gone.
This morning she remembered a bill to pay. She got herself up by 930am and ate cereal by herself. So I got her coffee from McDonalds. Now she is watching her new flat screen tv, which she loves. Actually I feel better about what we're doing than I have in some time.
Mom is eating food we have left over from previous days; I think this is a good thing. I am making her get out of her easy chair and prepare her own food. I don't think she wants to do for herself any more.
I gave her a shower today. I mentioned she needs a nurse to do this and she agreed, but more because she doesn't want me to have to do something I don't want. She thinks it is distasteful to me to do this; it is to some degree but not as much as she might think. Still, the fact she acknowledges that she needs a professional nurse is a giant step in the right direction.
One of her favorite tv shows is scheduled for tonight. It has not been on in 2 weeks. She hopes it is tonight. I think that would make the night go better, so I hope it is on, too.
It is very hot outside. Mom no longer walks around the apartment complex. She sits on the steps for a few minutes and then comes in. I wonder if she does this out of depression, or maybe she's just bored, or maybe she is lonely. I can't say. Still, I don't go out there with her and she doesn't ask me to, either.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--80
Mom has not been eating dinner lately. She says she is not hungry; she has said this before and I have intimidated her into eating but now I won't do it. I have given up on trying to get Mom to eat normally healthy food. She is not interested.
I have given up on worrying about her losing weight. I have given up on worrying about her welfare if I am not there. So I am spending less time with her, telling her more things to do and remember, even if she can't.
I am tired of living with her, but I know this is not over. I left her early today just because I am tired of her demands, her manipulative demands, her helplessness. She likes to ask me to do everything for her, like she was a baby and I am tired of that. I keep looking for some resolution, some improvement in our situation.
I am very comfortable in her apartment, but I'm also dissatisfied with my life--always giving myself up for her. It's not that I resent things she did in the past so much as I need some degree of privacy and rest. I don't ever get mental rest, caring for her 24-7. I'm not a nurse who can go home after 8 hours and on weekends. I can't go anywhere.
I wish she would get better but I know she never will. She is a demanding, manipulative woman who always got away with it. I'm tired of always being drained by her demands and constant harrassing questions. She follows me around the apartment, she questions me about everything. Yet, I have to realize I am much better off financially with her in her place.
And so it goes.
Mom has not been eating dinner lately. She says she is not hungry; she has said this before and I have intimidated her into eating but now I won't do it. I have given up on trying to get Mom to eat normally healthy food. She is not interested.
I have given up on worrying about her losing weight. I have given up on worrying about her welfare if I am not there. So I am spending less time with her, telling her more things to do and remember, even if she can't.
I am tired of living with her, but I know this is not over. I left her early today just because I am tired of her demands, her manipulative demands, her helplessness. She likes to ask me to do everything for her, like she was a baby and I am tired of that. I keep looking for some resolution, some improvement in our situation.
I am very comfortable in her apartment, but I'm also dissatisfied with my life--always giving myself up for her. It's not that I resent things she did in the past so much as I need some degree of privacy and rest. I don't ever get mental rest, caring for her 24-7. I'm not a nurse who can go home after 8 hours and on weekends. I can't go anywhere.
I wish she would get better but I know she never will. She is a demanding, manipulative woman who always got away with it. I'm tired of always being drained by her demands and constant harrassing questions. She follows me around the apartment, she questions me about everything. Yet, I have to realize I am much better off financially with her in her place.
And so it goes.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--79
It is Monday, after Father's Day. Mom spent the day at my brother's house. We ate like kings. Phil had steak, salmon, shriimp, potatoes and plenty to drink. Her 3 daughters and their out of wedlock children were there, like a big happy family. Of course it isn't such a big happy family once you get to know them, but they do try to be together. They've gone through plenty of bad decisions and immoral behavior, so at least it's better than it was. The daughters have been in and out of jail, but Phil has dedicated himself to Jesus and his Presbyterian church, so things are better.
I had to leave early to get back home for sleep before I worked overnight. I was glad to leave, since I don't really fit in with Phil's family. My only real connection with Phil is golf, and that's okay. I don't have any family 'on my side,' in the sense of being like me, liking to be with me, etc. So I wanted to leave although I enjoyed myself more than I usually do.
My brother brought Mom home 2 hours after I got here. I was asleep, snoring. Phil said, 'He's happy.'
I woke up when Mom was here. She seems to have had a nice day but I think she is losing memory every day. Phil is going to go with her as she drives, to see if she is as incapable of driving as I think. I am not offended by this.
I hope he comes, to resolve this.
I need time off from my mother, especially the responsibility of her. That in itself stresses me out. I get weary of being here and what my mother is at her age. I love getting away.
I don't like working overnight but it is what I have. Mom has decided to let me write the checks for her, which is good. We do this thing: she gives up one thing which makes it easier on me. I do one more thing for her which eases my anxiety.
The message seems to be, I am going to be here as long as she lives. This is what I do, right now. Maybe there is some blessing in this after the end.
It is Monday, after Father's Day. Mom spent the day at my brother's house. We ate like kings. Phil had steak, salmon, shriimp, potatoes and plenty to drink. Her 3 daughters and their out of wedlock children were there, like a big happy family. Of course it isn't such a big happy family once you get to know them, but they do try to be together. They've gone through plenty of bad decisions and immoral behavior, so at least it's better than it was. The daughters have been in and out of jail, but Phil has dedicated himself to Jesus and his Presbyterian church, so things are better.
I had to leave early to get back home for sleep before I worked overnight. I was glad to leave, since I don't really fit in with Phil's family. My only real connection with Phil is golf, and that's okay. I don't have any family 'on my side,' in the sense of being like me, liking to be with me, etc. So I wanted to leave although I enjoyed myself more than I usually do.
My brother brought Mom home 2 hours after I got here. I was asleep, snoring. Phil said, 'He's happy.'
I woke up when Mom was here. She seems to have had a nice day but I think she is losing memory every day. Phil is going to go with her as she drives, to see if she is as incapable of driving as I think. I am not offended by this.
I hope he comes, to resolve this.
I need time off from my mother, especially the responsibility of her. That in itself stresses me out. I get weary of being here and what my mother is at her age. I love getting away.
I don't like working overnight but it is what I have. Mom has decided to let me write the checks for her, which is good. We do this thing: she gives up one thing which makes it easier on me. I do one more thing for her which eases my anxiety.
The message seems to be, I am going to be here as long as she lives. This is what I do, right now. Maybe there is some blessing in this after the end.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--78
It is now Sunday, Father's Day. I drove Mom over to my brother's house for a Father's Day celebration. It didn't turn out to be about Father's Day at all. Phil likes to hold court about his golf game, his daughters have their babies there for the women, and I didn't belong at all.
Mom was in good spirits, with so many to wait on her. She and I brought ice cream and cake but nobody got around to dessert, since no one ate at the same time. Everyone did what they wanted to, apart from any kind of family group togetherness.
Phil got to see what Mom is like. I think he offered to drive Mom home after I left because he saw how weary I am. Taking care of Mom 24-7 is hard on me because I am a control freak in relationships. I know I have to get out of this so it's something I have to focus on.
I left the place early, around 2pm, Mom came home around 4pm. I was asleep. I didn't say much to her. I don't know where I am with her: at least I have to say I don't like where I am with her right now but I don't know that I should make any move.
I'm stressed, but it's probably due to my control obsession more than any circumstance.
I've asked Phil whether she thinks I should let Mom have her car keys back. I will probably do what she thinks. Maybe both Mom and I need time away from each other. What Phil says about Mom driving might be just the thing for me to begin to let go.
It is now Sunday, Father's Day. I drove Mom over to my brother's house for a Father's Day celebration. It didn't turn out to be about Father's Day at all. Phil likes to hold court about his golf game, his daughters have their babies there for the women, and I didn't belong at all.
Mom was in good spirits, with so many to wait on her. She and I brought ice cream and cake but nobody got around to dessert, since no one ate at the same time. Everyone did what they wanted to, apart from any kind of family group togetherness.
Phil got to see what Mom is like. I think he offered to drive Mom home after I left because he saw how weary I am. Taking care of Mom 24-7 is hard on me because I am a control freak in relationships. I know I have to get out of this so it's something I have to focus on.
I left the place early, around 2pm, Mom came home around 4pm. I was asleep. I didn't say much to her. I don't know where I am with her: at least I have to say I don't like where I am with her right now but I don't know that I should make any move.
I'm stressed, but it's probably due to my control obsession more than any circumstance.
I've asked Phil whether she thinks I should let Mom have her car keys back. I will probably do what she thinks. Maybe both Mom and I need time away from each other. What Phil says about Mom driving might be just the thing for me to begin to let go.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--77
By now it is Tuesday. Mom has had a bad night. She has been awake nearly all the time between 10pm and 5am. She lays there staring at the ceiling. Then she goes to the bathroom because she no longer has any bladder control.
She seems to forget or not know that I am there. I couldn't sleep with the TV she keeps on loud all night and the lights she keeps on all night. She keeps the lights on so she can see when she gets up in the middle of the night. I think her vision is worse than she lets on.
I couldn't sleep at all in her bedroom, so I took my blanket and slept on the floor in the living room. I did get some sleep. I don't think Mom ever knew I wasn't there with her in her bedroom.
When she got up at 10am, she thought it was 2 days ago. That is normal but it still surprises me that it doesn't bother her to be like that. I guess she has no choice. The trouble with living a long time is that you die a little every day. One day it's the memory, another day it's the energy, another day it's the desire to do anything. At least Mom has no pain, she is not bedridden, she really doesn't even know how little she can do.
She refuses to go to a rest home, and my brother and I are not pushing for it. I wish she were there, or I wish I could have an apartment away from her so I could sleep and get away from her. But this is not going to happen. I am going to be there with her for the duration, but I don't say this proudly. I don't want it this way, but for some reason this is what's happening.
By now it is Tuesday. Mom has had a bad night. She has been awake nearly all the time between 10pm and 5am. She lays there staring at the ceiling. Then she goes to the bathroom because she no longer has any bladder control.
She seems to forget or not know that I am there. I couldn't sleep with the TV she keeps on loud all night and the lights she keeps on all night. She keeps the lights on so she can see when she gets up in the middle of the night. I think her vision is worse than she lets on.
I couldn't sleep at all in her bedroom, so I took my blanket and slept on the floor in the living room. I did get some sleep. I don't think Mom ever knew I wasn't there with her in her bedroom.
When she got up at 10am, she thought it was 2 days ago. That is normal but it still surprises me that it doesn't bother her to be like that. I guess she has no choice. The trouble with living a long time is that you die a little every day. One day it's the memory, another day it's the energy, another day it's the desire to do anything. At least Mom has no pain, she is not bedridden, she really doesn't even know how little she can do.
She refuses to go to a rest home, and my brother and I are not pushing for it. I wish she were there, or I wish I could have an apartment away from her so I could sleep and get away from her. But this is not going to happen. I am going to be there with her for the duration, but I don't say this proudly. I don't want it this way, but for some reason this is what's happening.
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