COMING TOGETHER--77
By now it is Tuesday.  Mom has had a bad night.  She has been awake nearly all the time between 10pm and 5am.  She lays there staring at the ceiling.  Then she goes to the bathroom because she no longer has any bladder control.
  She seems to forget or not know that I am there.  I couldn't sleep with the TV she keeps on loud all night and the lights she keeps on all night.  She keeps the lights on so she can see when she gets up in the middle of the night.  I think her vision is worse than she lets on.
  I couldn't sleep at all in her bedroom, so I took my blanket and slept on the floor in the living room.  I did get some sleep.  I don't think Mom ever knew I wasn't there with her in her bedroom.
  When she got up at 10am, she thought it was 2 days ago.  That is normal but it still surprises me that it doesn't bother her to be like that.  I guess she has no choice.  The trouble with living a long time is that you die a little every day.  One day it's the memory, another day it's the energy, another day it's the desire to do anything.  At least Mom has no pain, she is not bedridden, she really doesn't even know how little she can do.
  She refuses to go to a rest home, and my brother and I are not pushing for it.  I wish she were there, or I wish I could have an apartment away from her so I could sleep and get away from her.  But this is not going to happen.  I am going to be there with her for the duration, but I don't say this proudly.  I don't want it this way, but for some reason this is what's happening.