COMING TOGETHER--80

Mom has not been eating dinner lately. She says she is not hungry; she has said this before and I have intimidated her into eating but now I won't do it. I have given up on trying to get Mom to eat normally healthy food. She is not interested.

I have given up on worrying about her losing weight. I have given up on worrying about her welfare if I am not there. So I am spending less time with her, telling her more things to do and remember, even if she can't.

I am tired of living with her, but I know this is not over. I left her early today just because I am tired of her demands, her manipulative demands, her helplessness. She likes to ask me to do everything for her, like she was a baby and I am tired of that. I keep looking for some resolution, some improvement in our situation.

I am very comfortable in her apartment, but I'm also dissatisfied with my life--always giving myself up for her. It's not that I resent things she did in the past so much as I need some degree of privacy and rest. I don't ever get mental rest, caring for her 24-7. I'm not a nurse who can go home after 8 hours and on weekends. I can't go anywhere.

I wish she would get better but I know she never will. She is a demanding, manipulative woman who always got away with it. I'm tired of always being drained by her demands and constant harrassing questions. She follows me around the apartment, she questions me about everything. Yet, I have to realize I am much better off financially with her in her place.

And so it goes.

COMING TOGETHER--79

It is Monday, after Father's Day. Mom spent the day at my brother's house. We ate like kings. Phil had steak, salmon, shriimp, potatoes and plenty to drink. Her 3 daughters and their out of wedlock children were there, like a big happy family. Of course it isn't such a big happy family once you get to know them, but they do try to be together. They've gone through plenty of bad decisions and immoral behavior, so at least it's better than it was. The daughters have been in and out of jail, but Phil has dedicated himself to Jesus and his Presbyterian church, so things are better.

I had to leave early to get back home for sleep before I worked overnight. I was glad to leave, since I don't really fit in with Phil's family. My only real connection with Phil is golf, and that's okay. I don't have any family 'on my side,' in the sense of being like me, liking to be with me, etc. So I wanted to leave although I enjoyed myself more than I usually do.

My brother brought Mom home 2 hours after I got here. I was asleep, snoring. Phil said, 'He's happy.'

I woke up when Mom was here. She seems to have had a nice day but I think she is losing memory every day. Phil is going to go with her as she drives, to see if she is as incapable of driving as I think. I am not offended by this.

I hope he comes, to resolve this.

I need time off from my mother, especially the responsibility of her. That in itself stresses me out. I get weary of being here and what my mother is at her age. I love getting away.

I don't like working overnight but it is what I have. Mom has decided to let me write the checks for her, which is good. We do this thing: she gives up one thing which makes it easier on me. I do one more thing for her which eases my anxiety.

The message seems to be, I am going to be here as long as she lives. This is what I do, right now. Maybe there is some blessing in this after the end.

COMING TOGETHER--78
It is now Sunday, Father's Day.  I drove Mom over to my brother's house for a Father's Day celebration.  It didn't turn out to be about Father's Day at all.  Phil likes to hold court about his golf game, his daughters have their babies there for the women, and I didn't belong at all.
  Mom was in good spirits, with so many to wait on her.  She and I brought ice cream and cake but nobody got around to dessert, since no one ate at the same time. Everyone did what they wanted to, apart from any kind of family group togetherness.
  Phil got to see what Mom is like.  I think he offered to drive Mom home after I left because he saw how weary I am.  Taking care of Mom 24-7 is hard on me because I am a control freak in relationships.  I know I have to get out of this so it's something I have to focus on.
  I left the place early, around 2pm, Mom came home around 4pm.  I was asleep.  I didn't say much to her.  I don't know where I am with her: at least I have to say I don't like where I am with her right now but I don't know that I should make any move.
  I'm stressed, but it's probably due to my control obsession more than any circumstance.
  I've asked Phil whether she thinks I should let Mom have her car keys back.  I will probably do what she thinks.  Maybe both Mom and I need time away from each other.  What Phil says about Mom driving might be just the thing for me to begin to let go.

COMING TOGETHER--77
By now it is Tuesday.  Mom has had a bad night.  She has been awake nearly all the time between 10pm and 5am.  She lays there staring at the ceiling.  Then she goes to the bathroom because she no longer has any bladder control.
  She seems to forget or not know that I am there.  I couldn't sleep with the TV she keeps on loud all night and the lights she keeps on all night.  She keeps the lights on so she can see when she gets up in the middle of the night.  I think her vision is worse than she lets on.
  I couldn't sleep at all in her bedroom, so I took my blanket and slept on the floor in the living room.  I did get some sleep.  I don't think Mom ever knew I wasn't there with her in her bedroom.
  When she got up at 10am, she thought it was 2 days ago.  That is normal but it still surprises me that it doesn't bother her to be like that.  I guess she has no choice.  The trouble with living a long time is that you die a little every day.  One day it's the memory, another day it's the energy, another day it's the desire to do anything.  At least Mom has no pain, she is not bedridden, she really doesn't even know how little she can do.
  She refuses to go to a rest home, and my brother and I are not pushing for it.  I wish she were there, or I wish I could have an apartment away from her so I could sleep and get away from her.  But this is not going to happen.  I am going to be there with her for the duration, but I don't say this proudly.  I don't want it this way, but for some reason this is what's happening.

COMING TOGETHER--76

It is Saturday. I see Mom found her car keys, but I saw where she put them before she woke up. So I have hid them. So far she has not argued with me about them; I think she just forgot.

We went to our favorite breakfast place, The Egg. Mom ate well but I know she is losing weight. She wants to see the Superman movie next week, so we will go. She is in love with Russel Crowe. Mom is a movie star addict, when she was young with Robert Montgomery and now.

I think she fell in love with what my Dad looked like in his WWII uniform, more than she fell in love with him. Their marriage changed so much from the late 40s till Dad died 15 years ago.

I am reading to her the Maggie Hope mystery novels. They're set in WWII but from a modern feminist perspective; the novels are not realistic but they have a woman as the hero, not a man. Mom likes that.

Now that it is Sunday morning, the rain has continued. I knew Mom would not get out of bed if she heard the slightest rain. She likes to act afraid of any wind, any rain, any bad weather. I don't think she's really all that afraid, she just uses that as an excuse to withdraw and do nothing. As her energy wanes, as she loses interest in being with others, this is what she does.

So I went to church. Mom's church is an impersonal place, like a bank: you dress up, you deposit money and then you leave cordially without really knowing anyone. For me, it is a neighborhood church--if you're from the right neighborhood you fit in, if you aren't, you don't.

I wonder how those people get through the week without the spirit of God.

COMING TOGETHER--75

Now it is Friday. We went to do Mom's hair, but then it rained hard so she didn't feel like going to a restaurant afterward. I drove us back through a hard dark rain. We went through the drive-through at Steak and Shake, then we came home to watch a WWII movie, Above and Beyond.

The movie was about the first 50 bombers flown across the Atllantic to help the British. Mom identified with it more than any other movie I have bought her because my Dad was in the first Army Air Corps graduating class to fly American bombers across the Atlantic. Her emotions got to her, so she left the room, she didn't finish the movie.

The movie was not about the AAC bombers going over the Atlantic, they did that a few months later. This movie was about the first bombers flown by civilian pilots, crew, navigators. They had minimal training, especially in navigation. The flight was scary, over bad weather, with just enough fuel to make it if the navigator didn't make a mistake at all.

So I got ice cream out for both of us.

Mom is losing the vision in one eye. She has a sad, pained look. I felt sorry for her. I hope she will let me write checks for her, starting tomorrow. I am thinking her time is shrinking.

WEIGHT AND WAIT
It is now Thursday, the day I take Mom to get her hair teased and stiffened.  I think she looks better when her hair covers her head, but teasing her hair is an old lady in the 1950s thing.  This is her day out of the apartment.  Right now it is raining but I don't think that will deter Mom.

  My worry is that she is losing weight.  I know sooner or later her immune system will weaken with the loss of weight.  So I wait without telling her what I think her losing weight means.  I don't think she has the mental presence to realize any explanation I might give.  I don't think she has the fear of losing weight to want to change.  And I don't know if eating more will even enable her to gain weight.
   This just might be being 92 years old and aging.
 
  So we will live another day, doing what we do every week.  Fortunately I think I have talked my mother into letting me write checks for her.  I have been wanting to for the last few months.  She miswrote two checks and that has bothered her enough to bring this up to me.

  I expect that after Mom gets her hair teased, she will want to drive around to shops and malls so she doesn't have to go back to the apartment, and merely lying there as she does all day.  Maybe today will be different, but I'm prepared to spend the day bored--for me bored not for her.

  Our life is so different than people younger, working, trying to get to some place they think will make them happy.  I don't know that I ever found that place, or ever will.  I'm not saying I'm better off or smarter, just that I have a different viewpoint on life than they do.  I saw the speeding traffic go by our apartment, flying for the Tollroad, for office buildings and sales and spending.
  There's a hurricane in Florida, where my sister Nancy lives.  Got to send her an email to see how she's doing.  Family has become more and more of my life.