COMING TOGETHER--65
This is Monday. I decided to leave the apartment for the golf driving range, leaving the apartment for 2 hours. I wanted to get away from Mom, and I wanted to force her to do for herself. When I returned, she was eating breakfast herself. This was gratifying. We ate together, which encourages her. She has an aversion to eating alone.
I think she feels more alone than when she was alone. It's become something she feels like you feel heat or cold. So I sit with her, even if I don't eat or drink anything.
I am thinking about this because her disposition has improved so much in the last few weeks. Maybe I say this because I don't fear it when she misses a meal or doesn't eat as much as a younger person. Maybe my being less anxious about Mom's health has relaxed her, too.
We both have adjusted to each other's differing ways. I have learned how much nerves plays in health. To be able to do something without anxiety or self condemnation seems to contribute to health. Maybe health is 90% looking at yourself without incrimination.
Mom is losing weight. In an older person this is usually fatal. When your body can no longer reproduce cells, usually the end is in sight. I have not spoken to her about this, and I will not. Her loss of weight might be temporary or it might be a long slope down.
Tomorrow, I take my mother to one of her doctors. This is Dr. Kovoor, who is monitoring her blood after a cancer treatment. They test her blood for cancer cells,, but don't do anything else. Often her blood is anemic, but I don't think it will be tomorrow.
I think my mother is attracted to Kovoor's soft manners. I don't think he does anything for her but monitor her blood for cancer cells. But this is a big social event for Mom. He makes her feel taken care of, and my mother loves to be waited on.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Thursday, May 16, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--64
As of Sunday morning, April never came. I was crushed in heart. I wanted so to see her, to have things between us be as good as they once were. I had to accept the fact that they never will be what they were 20 years ago. So I went to bed without being able to sleep right away. My emotions would not let me just sleep.
I wanted someone to resent, someone to blame but there is no one. So eventually I did fall asleep, without peace.
When I woke up, I knew I was going to church before April came for Mom. I knew it would be another time of not seeing my own daughter. But I have no choice. So I went to church. It was as if God paid me back some, because at church I received some attention from several other people. This is probably what church is supposed to be. And it did help me put my disappointment over not seeing April in some sort of perspective.
The pain lessened--for a time.
I came back from church to an empty apartment--a kind of relief. I got some sleep, then woke to go to the apartment exercise room. Then I came back and Mom arrived with my brother.
Phil was sick, so he didn't stay. Mom told me about the time she'd had. Ive noticed that when she comes back after being away from me for a time, I resent having to deal with her again. But we accomodated each other. April liked the gifts I gave her. That was gratifying to me. Mom told me she had told everyone how I have been taking care of her, and that was gratifying to her, also.
As of Sunday morning, April never came. I was crushed in heart. I wanted so to see her, to have things between us be as good as they once were. I had to accept the fact that they never will be what they were 20 years ago. So I went to bed without being able to sleep right away. My emotions would not let me just sleep.
I wanted someone to resent, someone to blame but there is no one. So eventually I did fall asleep, without peace.
When I woke up, I knew I was going to church before April came for Mom. I knew it would be another time of not seeing my own daughter. But I have no choice. So I went to church. It was as if God paid me back some, because at church I received some attention from several other people. This is probably what church is supposed to be. And it did help me put my disappointment over not seeing April in some sort of perspective.
The pain lessened--for a time.
I came back from church to an empty apartment--a kind of relief. I got some sleep, then woke to go to the apartment exercise room. Then I came back and Mom arrived with my brother.
Phil was sick, so he didn't stay. Mom told me about the time she'd had. Ive noticed that when she comes back after being away from me for a time, I resent having to deal with her again. But we accomodated each other. April liked the gifts I gave her. That was gratifying to me. Mom told me she had told everyone how I have been taking care of her, and that was gratifying to her, also.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--63
It is Saturday morning as I write this, 2am at work. I'm waiting so anxiously for April to come see my mother. I hope she can enjoy seeing me at the same time. She says she's stay overnight, but somehow I doubt that she will go through with that. I hope to see her for a few hours.
Sunday she and Mom will go over to Arlington to have Mother's Day with my brother's family. April has always preferred Phil and his family to me. This is heartbreaking, but I can't do anything about it. I did the best I could to raise April, but she has never been willing to return any love to me.
Still she turned out to be a great young lady and I am proud of her.
Mom has been good lately, as we sort of have leveled off our life into a routine. She did eat a huge breakfast this morning. I didn't ask her to eat much for lunch, so I hope she had the chicken and noodle soup I left her.
I got a serious offer for my old car today, I hope the person comes through with the $500 for it. I am already thinking of what life would be like without my old car. I've had it 5 years, spend a lot of money keeping it running.j It's big and comfortable and safe, but it's so old there are no parts for it any more.
Now it is Saturday at 1030am. We have had our usual cereal breakfast, I have gone to WalMart for some things and we are waiting on April to arrive. It is a beautifully cool day, a slight breeze with everybody out and about. Couldn't be more perfect for Dallas.
Mom is watching tv, as I am typing this.
It is Saturday morning as I write this, 2am at work. I'm waiting so anxiously for April to come see my mother. I hope she can enjoy seeing me at the same time. She says she's stay overnight, but somehow I doubt that she will go through with that. I hope to see her for a few hours.
Sunday she and Mom will go over to Arlington to have Mother's Day with my brother's family. April has always preferred Phil and his family to me. This is heartbreaking, but I can't do anything about it. I did the best I could to raise April, but she has never been willing to return any love to me.
Still she turned out to be a great young lady and I am proud of her.
Mom has been good lately, as we sort of have leveled off our life into a routine. She did eat a huge breakfast this morning. I didn't ask her to eat much for lunch, so I hope she had the chicken and noodle soup I left her.
I got a serious offer for my old car today, I hope the person comes through with the $500 for it. I am already thinking of what life would be like without my old car. I've had it 5 years, spend a lot of money keeping it running.j It's big and comfortable and safe, but it's so old there are no parts for it any more.
Now it is Saturday at 1030am. We have had our usual cereal breakfast, I have gone to WalMart for some things and we are waiting on April to arrive. It is a beautifully cool day, a slight breeze with everybody out and about. Couldn't be more perfect for Dallas.
Mom is watching tv, as I am typing this.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--62
Now it is Wednesday, the day for my Bible study. We went around this morning for several errands. I got a sandwich at 7-11 and we both came back to the apartment to take our naps. It is now 3pm.
The mail has come, although without any letter worth mentioning. My daughter April is coming Saturday and my brother's family is taking Mom out for Mother's Day on Sunday.
I had to clean the carpet last night, since my mother sometimes leaks on it. She doesn't see well enough to know what I cleaned up, only that the carpet looks better than it did.
Mom keeps saying she will come with me to the Bible study, but she never does. It's too easy to lay down in her easy chair every afternoon, especially now that it is getting warmer outside. Warm weather makes her drowsy and she doesn't feel like doing much.
I am at the point of wondering what is really important in life. I know that nearly everything that drew my attention when I was younger no longer does. It seems that I've thrown plenty of money at things which did me no good. Maybe that's something you say when you're older, and you can't do the things you wanted to, earlier.
Time has become an opposing enemy. It seems I have too much time, always waiting for a more eventuful day to come than the one I'm in. So much time between weekends, and then there's nothing to do on weekends now that I am nearly retired. Time seems so long, an interval I'd like to do away with, but can't. It reminds me of the Salvador Dali painting in which a clock melts over a tree branch, laying there without moving.
I don't know what I'm waiting for.
Now it is Wednesday, the day for my Bible study. We went around this morning for several errands. I got a sandwich at 7-11 and we both came back to the apartment to take our naps. It is now 3pm.
The mail has come, although without any letter worth mentioning. My daughter April is coming Saturday and my brother's family is taking Mom out for Mother's Day on Sunday.
I had to clean the carpet last night, since my mother sometimes leaks on it. She doesn't see well enough to know what I cleaned up, only that the carpet looks better than it did.
Mom keeps saying she will come with me to the Bible study, but she never does. It's too easy to lay down in her easy chair every afternoon, especially now that it is getting warmer outside. Warm weather makes her drowsy and she doesn't feel like doing much.
I am at the point of wondering what is really important in life. I know that nearly everything that drew my attention when I was younger no longer does. It seems that I've thrown plenty of money at things which did me no good. Maybe that's something you say when you're older, and you can't do the things you wanted to, earlier.
Time has become an opposing enemy. It seems I have too much time, always waiting for a more eventuful day to come than the one I'm in. So much time between weekends, and then there's nothing to do on weekends now that I am nearly retired. Time seems so long, an interval I'd like to do away with, but can't. It reminds me of the Salvador Dali painting in which a clock melts over a tree branch, laying there without moving.
I don't know what I'm waiting for.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--61
Now it is Monday. The weekend is over. We took laundry to the laundromat, went to have Mom's nails done, including her famous toenail, came back to the apartment with the laundry and mail. I slept for 4 hours, which is unusual for me. It's a long time to sleep and I needed it.
Now it is 4pm. Mom is putting away her laundry while I type this. Things are going along at work; I will not be allowed to have more than 24 hours at work, which is fine with me. It's almost like being retired yet having money coming in.
Right now, this is a good afternoon.
Mom and I ate well, so the evening has gone well. This is very nice and relaxing.
+++
Now it is Tuesday and we have not had a good day. Mom lay in bed for 13 hours, not sleeping, not getting up. I think she's depressed, her eyes wandering around the ceiling. It may be an attribute of old age to not have anything to look forward to; maybe it is an underlying depression which she does not have the energy to fight off. In any event, this made me mad at her.
So I decided to deal with my frustration against her by leaving her to herself. I left the apartment in a hurry. I left her to herself. My brother's wife called to invite her to a Mother's Day lunch on Sunday. It was that call only that got her out of bed. Then she wet her bed.
I have to work Sundays, so I refused to driver her over to my brother's for Mother's Day. She said someone else would. After I came back from exercise, she was out of bed, dressed for a trip to WalMart for a supply of feminine products. When we came back, she was in a reasonable mood.
I got a nap, got up and went to get pizza. Mom ate well and we watched the Ranger game until the Rangers fell too far behind. Now Mom is watching a cooking show and I am in here, typing this. She wants me to go back in to her room to find something on tv; to me that's selfish. She wants to take my time away from myself. I resent this. I think it's really selfish but maybe this is normal dynamic in relationships. She does this routinely and I despise it.
Maybe this thing of trying to talk me out of my own life is a trademark of loneliness. Whatever it is, I don't like it--she does. So I am refusing.
Now it is Monday. The weekend is over. We took laundry to the laundromat, went to have Mom's nails done, including her famous toenail, came back to the apartment with the laundry and mail. I slept for 4 hours, which is unusual for me. It's a long time to sleep and I needed it.
Now it is 4pm. Mom is putting away her laundry while I type this. Things are going along at work; I will not be allowed to have more than 24 hours at work, which is fine with me. It's almost like being retired yet having money coming in.
Right now, this is a good afternoon.
Mom and I ate well, so the evening has gone well. This is very nice and relaxing.
+++
Now it is Tuesday and we have not had a good day. Mom lay in bed for 13 hours, not sleeping, not getting up. I think she's depressed, her eyes wandering around the ceiling. It may be an attribute of old age to not have anything to look forward to; maybe it is an underlying depression which she does not have the energy to fight off. In any event, this made me mad at her.
So I decided to deal with my frustration against her by leaving her to herself. I left the apartment in a hurry. I left her to herself. My brother's wife called to invite her to a Mother's Day lunch on Sunday. It was that call only that got her out of bed. Then she wet her bed.
I have to work Sundays, so I refused to driver her over to my brother's for Mother's Day. She said someone else would. After I came back from exercise, she was out of bed, dressed for a trip to WalMart for a supply of feminine products. When we came back, she was in a reasonable mood.
I got a nap, got up and went to get pizza. Mom ate well and we watched the Ranger game until the Rangers fell too far behind. Now Mom is watching a cooking show and I am in here, typing this. She wants me to go back in to her room to find something on tv; to me that's selfish. She wants to take my time away from myself. I resent this. I think it's really selfish but maybe this is normal dynamic in relationships. She does this routinely and I despise it.
Maybe this thing of trying to talk me out of my own life is a trademark of loneliness. Whatever it is, I don't like it--she does. So I am refusing.
Friday, May 10, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--60
It is Sunday afternoon. Jack and his fiance came by to take Mom to lunch. Thank God! What a God-send for me. I finally got away from Mom--her constant badgering questions, her harassment of my every move, her laziness. I got to go to my church without stress. I saw a few friends, I was in no hurry to be anywhere, I went to eat by myself and went to Barnes & Noble by myself.
It was such a relief, I thank God for Jack and Sarah.
But I am back now, in the apartment with Mom in the next room. She is watching opera on tv or sleeping while It type this. I know now how hard caring for the elderly is, especially in my case because I live with Mom. A care-giver gets to go home after 8 hours, with no weekends; I don't. This is making me wish more and more Mom were in a retirement home so I could see her and do things for her but still sleep and have some time to myself.
I have the afternoon in which to do nothing in particular until I work tonight. One of my big problems is not having anything great to do. I merely feed and entertain my aging mother, without any reward.
I have learned to exert myself with my mother about doing the things I want to do; I need to live my own life some of the time I am here. I've noticed how necessary this is in any relationship--you have to be yourself. So now it is my turn to do that.
But now the car issue is back. Mom has her front door key on the ring with the car key. I have hidden both from her. So now she wants her front door key. I'm going to have to either throw away her car key and tell her to give her the door key, or keep up the lie that I don't have it. I think she knows I took it. So tonight I will have to get rid of the car key. I might put it in the dumpter, I might hide it in another place or mail it to my sister.
This I will have to decide tonight.
It is Sunday afternoon. Jack and his fiance came by to take Mom to lunch. Thank God! What a God-send for me. I finally got away from Mom--her constant badgering questions, her harassment of my every move, her laziness. I got to go to my church without stress. I saw a few friends, I was in no hurry to be anywhere, I went to eat by myself and went to Barnes & Noble by myself.
It was such a relief, I thank God for Jack and Sarah.
But I am back now, in the apartment with Mom in the next room. She is watching opera on tv or sleeping while It type this. I know now how hard caring for the elderly is, especially in my case because I live with Mom. A care-giver gets to go home after 8 hours, with no weekends; I don't. This is making me wish more and more Mom were in a retirement home so I could see her and do things for her but still sleep and have some time to myself.
I have the afternoon in which to do nothing in particular until I work tonight. One of my big problems is not having anything great to do. I merely feed and entertain my aging mother, without any reward.
I have learned to exert myself with my mother about doing the things I want to do; I need to live my own life some of the time I am here. I've noticed how necessary this is in any relationship--you have to be yourself. So now it is my turn to do that.
But now the car issue is back. Mom has her front door key on the ring with the car key. I have hidden both from her. So now she wants her front door key. I'm going to have to either throw away her car key and tell her to give her the door key, or keep up the lie that I don't have it. I think she knows I took it. So tonight I will have to get rid of the car key. I might put it in the dumpter, I might hide it in another place or mail it to my sister.
This I will have to decide tonight.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--59
It is now late Saturday, I am worn out in my nerves. Mom got a graduation card from my cousin's daughter Elizabeth. She married a guy my cousin didn't like. So Mom thought she could step into that relationship and do something, I don't know what.
So Mom wanted us to fly to Memphis next week, to the graduation. I refused to fly but said I'd take her to the airport. That made Mom think she was getting free of her aging limitations, that she could just pick up and go to the airport like she used to do.
However it turned out that Mom couldn't fly unless there was someone there to take care of her. She hoped it would be Elizabeth's mother, my cousin Bunny. I thought that it was selfish for my mother to put herself upon Bunny's time and energy. My mother doesn't realize how much trouble she is to take care of, 7 days a week.
Fortunately, the graduation is contingent upon a basketball game in the same arena in which the graduation would be. So I could say that Mom can't go. That was a great relief to me.
I hope that will put off any travel plans for a while. This is becoming an oppressive subject for me. I don't want to spend more time with my mother, I want to spend less time with her.
+++
She is an oppression to me. As long as she is alive, I have no life. I am taking care of her 7 days a week. This is more than a professional nurse or anyone in a nursing home. They get to go home after 8 hours of work; I have to stay with my mother, 24-7. I can't have any personal life, any social life, any life at all since I am a living servant to my mother. If she were a different person, this would not be so bad but my mother loves to be served so much she will always see me as her servant.
I know this will never end. I know I will never have any personal happiness in this life. I have no choice except to accept this, like John the Baptist accepted his beheading. Not a sweet thought, I know but it crossed my mind just now.
It is now late Saturday, I am worn out in my nerves. Mom got a graduation card from my cousin's daughter Elizabeth. She married a guy my cousin didn't like. So Mom thought she could step into that relationship and do something, I don't know what.
So Mom wanted us to fly to Memphis next week, to the graduation. I refused to fly but said I'd take her to the airport. That made Mom think she was getting free of her aging limitations, that she could just pick up and go to the airport like she used to do.
However it turned out that Mom couldn't fly unless there was someone there to take care of her. She hoped it would be Elizabeth's mother, my cousin Bunny. I thought that it was selfish for my mother to put herself upon Bunny's time and energy. My mother doesn't realize how much trouble she is to take care of, 7 days a week.
Fortunately, the graduation is contingent upon a basketball game in the same arena in which the graduation would be. So I could say that Mom can't go. That was a great relief to me.
I hope that will put off any travel plans for a while. This is becoming an oppressive subject for me. I don't want to spend more time with my mother, I want to spend less time with her.
+++
She is an oppression to me. As long as she is alive, I have no life. I am taking care of her 7 days a week. This is more than a professional nurse or anyone in a nursing home. They get to go home after 8 hours of work; I have to stay with my mother, 24-7. I can't have any personal life, any social life, any life at all since I am a living servant to my mother. If she were a different person, this would not be so bad but my mother loves to be served so much she will always see me as her servant.
I know this will never end. I know I will never have any personal happiness in this life. I have no choice except to accept this, like John the Baptist accepted his beheading. Not a sweet thought, I know but it crossed my mind just now.
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