COMING TOGETHER--61

Now it is Monday. The weekend is over. We took laundry to the laundromat, went to have Mom's nails done, including her famous toenail, came back to the apartment with the laundry and mail. I slept for 4 hours, which is unusual for me. It's a long time to sleep and I needed it.

Now it is 4pm. Mom is putting away her laundry while I type this. Things are going along at work; I will not be allowed to have more than 24 hours at work, which is fine with me. It's almost like being retired yet having money coming in.

Right now, this is a good afternoon.

Mom and I ate well, so the evening has gone well. This is very nice and relaxing.

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Now it is Tuesday and we have not had a good day. Mom lay in bed for 13 hours, not sleeping, not getting up. I think she's depressed, her eyes wandering around the ceiling. It may be an attribute of old age to not have anything to look forward to; maybe it is an underlying depression which she does not have the energy to fight off. In any event, this made me mad at her.

So I decided to deal with my frustration against her by leaving her to herself. I left the apartment in a hurry. I left her to herself. My brother's wife called to invite her to a Mother's Day lunch on Sunday. It was that call only that got her out of bed. Then she wet her bed.

I have to work Sundays, so I refused to driver her over to my brother's for Mother's Day. She said someone else would. After I came back from exercise, she was out of bed, dressed for a trip to WalMart for a supply of feminine products. When we came back, she was in a reasonable mood.

I got a nap, got up and went to get pizza. Mom ate well and we watched the Ranger game until the Rangers fell too far behind. Now Mom is watching a cooking show and I am in here, typing this. She wants me to go back in to her room to find something on tv; to me that's selfish. She wants to take my time away from myself. I resent this. I think it's really selfish but maybe this is normal dynamic in relationships. She does this routinely and I despise it.

Maybe this thing of trying to talk me out of my own life is a trademark of loneliness. Whatever it is, I don't like it--she does. So I am refusing.

COMING TOGETHER--60

It is Sunday afternoon. Jack and his fiance came by to take Mom to lunch. Thank God! What a God-send for me. I finally got away from Mom--her constant badgering questions, her harassment of my every move, her laziness. I got to go to my church without stress. I saw a few friends, I was in no hurry to be anywhere, I went to eat by myself and went to Barnes & Noble by myself.

It was such a relief, I thank God for Jack and Sarah.

But I am back now, in the apartment with Mom in the next room. She is watching opera on tv or sleeping while It type this. I know now how hard caring for the elderly is, especially in my case because I live with Mom. A care-giver gets to go home after 8 hours, with no weekends; I don't. This is making me wish more and more Mom were in a retirement home so I could see her and do things for her but still sleep and have some time to myself.

I have the afternoon in which to do nothing in particular until I work tonight. One of my big problems is not having anything great to do. I merely feed and entertain my aging mother, without any reward.

I have learned to exert myself with my mother about doing the things I want to do; I need to live my own life some of the time I am here. I've noticed how necessary this is in any relationship--you have to be yourself. So now it is my turn to do that.

But now the car issue is back. Mom has her front door key on the ring with the car key. I have hidden both from her. So now she wants her front door key. I'm going to have to either throw away her car key and tell her to give her the door key, or keep up the lie that I don't have it. I think she knows I took it. So tonight I will have to get rid of the car key. I might put it in the dumpter, I might hide it in another place or mail it to my sister.

This I will have to decide tonight.

COMING TOGETHER--59

It is now late Saturday, I am worn out in my nerves. Mom got a graduation card from my cousin's daughter Elizabeth. She married a guy my cousin didn't like. So Mom thought she could step into that relationship and do something, I don't know what.

So Mom wanted us to fly to Memphis next week, to the graduation. I refused to fly but said I'd take her to the airport. That made Mom think she was getting free of her aging limitations, that she could just pick up and go to the airport like she used to do.

However it turned out that Mom couldn't fly unless there was someone there to take care of her. She hoped it would be Elizabeth's mother, my cousin Bunny. I thought that it was selfish for my mother to put herself upon Bunny's time and energy. My mother doesn't realize how much trouble she is to take care of, 7 days a week.

Fortunately, the graduation is contingent upon a basketball game in the same arena in which the graduation would be. So I could say that Mom can't go. That was a great relief to me.

I hope that will put off any travel plans for a while. This is becoming an oppressive subject for me. I don't want to spend more time with my mother, I want to spend less time with her.

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She is an oppression to me. As long as she is alive, I have no life. I am taking care of her 7 days a week. This is more than a professional nurse or anyone in a nursing home. They get to go home after 8 hours of work; I have to stay with my mother, 24-7. I can't have any personal life, any social life, any life at all since I am a living servant to my mother. If she were a different person, this would not be so bad but my mother loves to be served so much she will always see me as her servant.

I know this will never end. I know I will never have any personal happiness in this life. I have no choice except to accept this, like John the Baptist accepted his beheading. Not a sweet thought, I know but it crossed my mind just now.

COMING TOGETHER--58

This is Thursday and we have gone to my mother's hair place. On our way back we ate at a new restaurant. It was nice and unhurried. A cold front came in, now it is around 39-40 degrees. Mom has eaten more than she usually does, which is surprising.

Maybe if she doesn't eat much one day she gets hungry enough to eat more the next day.

Anyway, today has been good. While I am doing this, Mom is watching tv. At least she is not asleep all day and night. I suspect that her mood has as much to do with her sleeping and appetite as anything else.

Today has been a level day; nothing exciting or depressing has happened. I wonder how many more days we will have like this. On the 14th we go see one of Mom's doctors.

Mom is in the other room, watching the weather. She is scared by any cold weather, any storms or just about anything on tv. I am not going in there to heighten her emotions.

Now it is Friday. Mom was supposed to go with her friends to a lunch at Houston's Restaurant. She didn't actually go untill I got back from running errands at noon. She tried to drive the car, but couldn't find her keys. So I came in the door, realized that her friend was ready to pick her up. I drove her to her friend's car. That was an hour ago. I expect them back any minute now.

I got breakfast at a restaurant, did some internet work and went to a softball field for some running and throwing the ball around. I didn't expect her to be here when I returned. Now I am resting the whole afternoon as I have to work overnight.

Mom wants me to take her to get her nails done. I won't do everything she wants because I have to stay off my feet to be rested for tonight. She gets to expect me to do everything for her like she was a movie star, but I can't do that. I have to stay away from her more often to keep her from being selfish with her actions and demands.

COMING TOGETHER--57

Now it is Tuesday and all is well. Mom and I ate well this morning after I came back from using the Barnes & Noble internet. Then we took a walk. She wanted to get her foot fixed, so after going to the wrong mall I found a nail place in that mall. There the lady took care of Mom's toenail, at least doing half the job that needs to be done.

When we came back, I went to exercise and then took a nap. Right now Mom is in her royal chair, going through a book her daughter Nancy sent her. I am in the adjacent room.

I have read the first 10 pages about Jefferson in Paris. It is historically fascinating because I was not aware of the details. Mom really liked it, since it was new and it was from Nancy. Interesting that this is happening at the end of my mother's life: she now has the leisure to think about things other than herself, even if it is the history of Jefferson.

This has made the afternoon enjoyable.

Now it is Wednesday night. I have been to my Bible study, which went well. I disagreed with the teacher on a couple of points. I felt some nerves about disagreeing in front of everyone, but I remained modest in my words which helped.

I brought back some vanilla cake which Mom and I had in short order. Everything seems to be going well, which causes me some trepidation. I know things are going to be confrontational at work. I am only working 3 days this week; I wonder if this is an omen of things to come. It may lead to me being laid off or moved to another post.

Would I move to another post? I don't think so; I would just look for another job. I feel like some change is coming.

COMING TOGETHER--55

This is Thursday. We have been to Mom's hair salon, to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch and now we are back home.

This 18 mile trip to the salon is Mom's freedom. It gives her a chance to be the center of attention. She usually doesn't want to just come home. So we went to the Cheesecake Factory, a restaurant. Mom ate very little real food but she did load up on strawberry shortcake. This is what she does. She doesn't really like real food, she wants sweets because it deals with her depression.

Then after we came home and I had a 2 hour nap, she wanted to go back to the salon. I think she made this up, simply because it makes her feel independent. She craves her independence, which age and blindness has taken from her. She craves being away from me because I represent dependency.

Now she is taking a walk to get away from me and this apartment. I hope it lasts, but I fear she will come up with something else to get away. I probably need to leave as soon as possible for work.

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This is Friday, a nice overcast day, mild. I got Mom breakfast from McDonald's so she would have to eat some real food. It worked. She ate well, was grateful and I gave her some chocolate cookies two hours later.

I left for some exercise with the baseball at a park--had a good time and came back to write this. I'm not sure my mother even remembers yesterday.

　

COMING TOGETHER--56

Here it is Sunday already. Mom got up early for church, surprising me. We went. The sermon was confusing, about God not condemning us, but coming to save us. It was based on John 3.16, 17.

We went to The Egg and I, ate well. When we returned, I slept for two hours. The item of the day is that Mom has an overgrown toenail which will be painful to cut. I don't know how I'm going to her in the car. I don't know if they can deaden her toe so it won't hurt. It might hurt plenty. But that is tomorrow.

I work tonight, all night long.

On Monday I didn't try to get Mom in the car. I just let it pass. If the toenail grows, then it will just have to be that way. I mentioned it to her at noon today, she said she would go this afternoon. I knew that was a lie. So I just dropped the subject.

We have gone for our usual walk. I got Mom a salad from Schotzsky's Deli. The salad is terrific but I don't know if she'll eat any of it. I have to learn to drop that subject, also.

She is losing her mind, gradually. She knows this. She made a comment yesterday about having Alzheimer's. She is in no pain, her heart is still going but she just doesn't like to eat food. Right now it is 4pm; she doesn't want to eat the salad, she wants to eat chocolate. I just have to accept this.

COMING TOGETHER--54

I got up early today to get the car oil changed. I had the ball bearings tightened and worked on the internet at McDonalds.

Mom got up while I was away, she actually took a shower. So I said I could take her to The Egg and I. I'll drink something and this will make sure she eats something after that pitiful dinner last night.

Everything went well until Mom paid for her breakfast. The bill was $13.50. She said she paid with a $50 bill, insisting she gave the girl one bill. She showed me her change, which was $74. I questioned this. I said, 'Did you give her one bill?' She felt insulted, adamant about giving the girl one bill. I said, 'But you've been mistaken before.' That set her off. She was mad and crying and doing her version of yelling at me. So I left the apartment for a few hours.

I asked the clerk if Mom had given her one bill or two. The clerk said one, saying she gave my mother $37.50 in change. Mom had $74 in her hand that she insisted was the change the girl gave her.

I went to a half-price book store, I went to a library, I went to get myself pizza. Now I am back 4 hours later, Mom is asleep with her mail on her lap. I want to move out, but maybe I have asked that of God too many times. I don't know what she is going to say when she wakes up.

This might be the beginning of the end of us living together. I don't mind that, but it might be bad for her.

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She was fragile. She spoke to me gradually, so I tried to be as polite as she wants me to be. We warmed up a little at a time. I left her some pizza, which she didn't want. So I went off to my Bible study. When I returned, she said I made her nervous coming in the apartment without announcing myself.

Then she saw me eat the left-over pizza, so she wanted to eat a piece also. Later I realized she didn't really like the pizza, it was just to sit with me in the kitchen. That's what she really wanted all along