COMING TOGETHER--60

It is Sunday afternoon. Jack and his fiance came by to take Mom to lunch. Thank God! What a God-send for me. I finally got away from Mom--her constant badgering questions, her harassment of my every move, her laziness. I got to go to my church without stress. I saw a few friends, I was in no hurry to be anywhere, I went to eat by myself and went to Barnes & Noble by myself.

It was such a relief, I thank God for Jack and Sarah.

But I am back now, in the apartment with Mom in the next room. She is watching opera on tv or sleeping while It type this. I know now how hard caring for the elderly is, especially in my case because I live with Mom. A care-giver gets to go home after 8 hours, with no weekends; I don't. This is making me wish more and more Mom were in a retirement home so I could see her and do things for her but still sleep and have some time to myself.

I have the afternoon in which to do nothing in particular until I work tonight. One of my big problems is not having anything great to do. I merely feed and entertain my aging mother, without any reward.

I have learned to exert myself with my mother about doing the things I want to do; I need to live my own life some of the time I am here. I've noticed how necessary this is in any relationship--you have to be yourself. So now it is my turn to do that.

But now the car issue is back. Mom has her front door key on the ring with the car key. I have hidden both from her. So now she wants her front door key. I'm going to have to either throw away her car key and tell her to give her the door key, or keep up the lie that I don't have it. I think she knows I took it. So tonight I will have to get rid of the car key. I might put it in the dumpter, I might hide it in another place or mail it to my sister.

This I will have to decide tonight.

COMING TOGETHER--59

It is now late Saturday, I am worn out in my nerves. Mom got a graduation card from my cousin's daughter Elizabeth. She married a guy my cousin didn't like. So Mom thought she could step into that relationship and do something, I don't know what.

So Mom wanted us to fly to Memphis next week, to the graduation. I refused to fly but said I'd take her to the airport. That made Mom think she was getting free of her aging limitations, that she could just pick up and go to the airport like she used to do.

However it turned out that Mom couldn't fly unless there was someone there to take care of her. She hoped it would be Elizabeth's mother, my cousin Bunny. I thought that it was selfish for my mother to put herself upon Bunny's time and energy. My mother doesn't realize how much trouble she is to take care of, 7 days a week.

Fortunately, the graduation is contingent upon a basketball game in the same arena in which the graduation would be. So I could say that Mom can't go. That was a great relief to me.

I hope that will put off any travel plans for a while. This is becoming an oppressive subject for me. I don't want to spend more time with my mother, I want to spend less time with her.

                                                                        +++

She is an oppression to me. As long as she is alive, I have no life. I am taking care of her 7 days a week. This is more than a professional nurse or anyone in a nursing home. They get to go home after 8 hours of work; I have to stay with my mother, 24-7. I can't have any personal life, any social life, any life at all since I am a living servant to my mother. If she were a different person, this would not be so bad but my mother loves to be served so much she will always see me as her servant.

I know this will never end. I know I will never have any personal happiness in this life. I have no choice except to accept this, like John the Baptist accepted his beheading. Not a sweet thought, I know but it crossed my mind just now.

COMING TOGETHER--58

This is Thursday and we have gone to my mother's hair place. On our way back we ate at a new restaurant. It was nice and unhurried. A cold front came in, now it is around 39-40 degrees. Mom has eaten more than she usually does, which is surprising.

Maybe if she doesn't eat much one day she gets hungry enough to eat more the next day.

Anyway, today has been good. While I am doing this, Mom is watching tv. At least she is not asleep all day and night. I suspect that her mood has as much to do with her sleeping and appetite as anything else.

Today has been a level day; nothing exciting or depressing has happened. I wonder how many more days we will have like this. On the 14th we go see one of Mom's doctors.

Mom is in the other room, watching the weather. She is scared by any cold weather, any storms or just about anything on tv. I am not going in there to heighten her emotions.

Now it is Friday. Mom was supposed to go with her friends to a lunch at Houston's Restaurant. She didn't actually go untill I got back from running errands at noon. She tried to drive the car, but couldn't find her keys. So I came in the door, realized that her friend was ready to pick her up. I drove her to her friend's car. That was an hour ago. I expect them back any minute now.

I got breakfast at a restaurant, did some internet work and went to a softball field for some running and throwing the ball around. I didn't expect her to be here when I returned. Now I am resting the whole afternoon as I have to work overnight.

Mom wants me to take her to get her nails done. I won't do everything she wants because I have to stay off my feet to be rested for tonight. She gets to expect me to do everything for her like she was a movie star, but I can't do that. I have to stay away from her more often to keep her from being selfish with her actions and demands.

COMING TOGETHER--57

Now it is Tuesday and all is well. Mom and I ate well this morning after I came back from using the Barnes & Noble internet. Then we took a walk. She wanted to get her foot fixed, so after going to the wrong mall I found a nail place in that mall. There the lady took care of Mom's toenail, at least doing half the job that needs to be done.

When we came back, I went to exercise and then took a nap. Right now Mom is in her royal chair, going through a book her daughter Nancy sent her. I am in the adjacent room.

I have read the first 10 pages about Jefferson in Paris. It is historically fascinating because I was not aware of the details. Mom really liked it, since it was new and it was from Nancy. Interesting that this is happening at the end of my mother's life: she now has the leisure to think about things other than herself, even if it is the history of Jefferson.

This has made the afternoon enjoyable.

Now it is Wednesday night. I have been to my Bible study, which went well. I disagreed with the teacher on a couple of points. I felt some nerves about disagreeing in front of everyone, but I remained modest in my words which helped.

I brought back some vanilla cake which Mom and I had in short order. Everything seems to be going well, which causes me some trepidation. I know things are going to be confrontational at work. I am only working 3 days this week; I wonder if this is an omen of things to come. It may lead to me being laid off or moved to another post.

Would I move to another post? I don't think so; I would just look for another job. I feel like some change is coming.

COMING TOGETHER--55

This is Thursday. We have been to Mom's hair salon, to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch and now we are back home.

This 18 mile trip to the salon is Mom's freedom. It gives her a chance to be the center of attention. She usually doesn't want to just come home. So we went to the Cheesecake Factory, a restaurant. Mom ate very little real food but she did load up on strawberry shortcake. This is what she does. She doesn't really like real food, she wants sweets because it deals with her depression.

Then after we came home and I had a 2 hour nap, she wanted to go back to the salon. I think she made this up, simply because it makes her feel independent. She craves her independence, which age and blindness has taken from her. She craves being away from me because I represent dependency.

Now she is taking a walk to get away from me and this apartment. I hope it lasts, but I fear she will come up with something else to get away. I probably need to leave as soon as possible for work.

+++

This is Friday, a nice overcast day, mild. I got Mom breakfast from McDonald's so she would have to eat some real food. It worked. She ate well, was grateful and I gave her some chocolate cookies two hours later.

I left for some exercise with the baseball at a park--had a good time and came back to write this. I'm not sure my mother even remembers yesterday.

　

COMING TOGETHER--56

Here it is Sunday already. Mom got up early for church, surprising me. We went. The sermon was confusing, about God not condemning us, but coming to save us. It was based on John 3.16, 17.

We went to The Egg and I, ate well. When we returned, I slept for two hours. The item of the day is that Mom has an overgrown toenail which will be painful to cut. I don't know how I'm going to her in the car. I don't know if they can deaden her toe so it won't hurt. It might hurt plenty. But that is tomorrow.

I work tonight, all night long.

On Monday I didn't try to get Mom in the car. I just let it pass. If the toenail grows, then it will just have to be that way. I mentioned it to her at noon today, she said she would go this afternoon. I knew that was a lie. So I just dropped the subject.

We have gone for our usual walk. I got Mom a salad from Schotzsky's Deli. The salad is terrific but I don't know if she'll eat any of it. I have to learn to drop that subject, also.

She is losing her mind, gradually. She knows this. She made a comment yesterday about having Alzheimer's. She is in no pain, her heart is still going but she just doesn't like to eat food. Right now it is 4pm; she doesn't want to eat the salad, she wants to eat chocolate. I just have to accept this.

COMING TOGETHER--54

I got up early today to get the car oil changed. I had the ball bearings tightened and worked on the internet at McDonalds.

Mom got up while I was away, she actually took a shower. So I said I could take her to The Egg and I. I'll drink something and this will make sure she eats something after that pitiful dinner last night.

Everything went well until Mom paid for her breakfast. The bill was $13.50. She said she paid with a $50 bill, insisting she gave the girl one bill. She showed me her change, which was $74. I questioned this. I said, 'Did you give her one bill?' She felt insulted, adamant about giving the girl one bill. I said, 'But you've been mistaken before.' That set her off. She was mad and crying and doing her version of yelling at me. So I left the apartment for a few hours.

I asked the clerk if Mom had given her one bill or two. The clerk said one, saying she gave my mother $37.50 in change. Mom had $74 in her hand that she insisted was the change the girl gave her.

I went to a half-price book store, I went to a library, I went to get myself pizza. Now I am back 4 hours later, Mom is asleep with her mail on her lap. I want to move out, but maybe I have asked that of God too many times. I don't know what she is going to say when she wakes up.

This might be the beginning of the end of us living together. I don't mind that, but it might be bad for her.

+++

She was fragile. She spoke to me gradually, so I tried to be as polite as she wants me to be. We warmed up a little at a time. I left her some pizza, which she didn't want. So I went off to my Bible study. When I returned, she said I made her nervous coming in the apartment without announcing myself.

Then she saw me eat the left-over pizza, so she wanted to eat a piece also. Later I realized she didn't really like the pizza, it was just to sit with me in the kitchen. That's what she really wanted all along

COMING TOGETHER--53

Today is Tuesday. Mom has eaten well for the last few days. She has gotten herself up in the morning, which is a relief to me. Her disposition has been good but she has become clingy and self-pitying lately. She has to be in the room with me, wherever I go. So I have had to leave the apartment more often to get things done.

I have learned to sleep more at the apartment duirng the day. The job shift, being 8pm to 4am, is getting boring. I am finding fewer and fewer ways to keep myself occupied all through the night.

Mom is reading better because she has been eating better. The quality of the blood is everything when you get older. Money-wise we are in good shape. We just need to keep improving.

+++

Things turned out different than I hoped. Mom wanted to go to WalMart with me to get her own kind of food. She seems to resent being under my influence a little more each day. So she got what she wanted, including alcohol, not what I would have bought her.

When she feels better, she gets independent. Then she refuses to do what she did to feel better. Then she eats less because she only eats what tastes sugary to her. Right now, I resent this, feeling like--okay, do what you want. It's really a disappointment, as much as I'd like to wish she would keep doing what made her feel good. But my mother never does. But then I know I often don't follow through on that attitude.

Today Mom has eated cereal and one slice of bread with a few peanuts. Tomorrow I will have to get her to eat real food. We will see how much she objects to what I want. I expect the worst.

Mom is watching a tv show about the Depression and the dust bowl that came west with it. My mother was part of that, as was her mother. Her mother had severe arthritis because of breathing the dust, and depression. My mother inherited the depression but not the arthritis. My mother cannot get away from this show; she loves the crying and emotional pain it causes.

I could not go along with her desire for emotional sympathy. I won't feed her self-pity and selfish emotions. I would not stand there and agree or be sympathetic. I've seen the show before and I've read works by Willa Cather, so I won't go along with her depression.