COMING TOGETHER--27

Now Sunday morning has passed. We went to Mom's church, which is Presbyterian. The people are nice enough, but is that sufficient? Is that even what God wants? I certainly can't go on through the week on that alone. I have to have some degree of spirituality.

I don't think I got it this morning.

So I went by myself to an Episcopal church. The place is quite ornate in an old European style church. The liturgy is long, with spoken parts written out centuries ago.

It makes me wonder how worship affects people. The Presbyterian worship is humanly minimal, with an emphasis on what the people in the community are like; the Episcopal liturgy is so set the people seem distant.

Meanwhile, my mother went to lunch with my brother's daughter's fiance. They seemed to have a decent time, talking about their latest doings and goings. I couldn't live like that, trading church for a restaurant. But was I any better? I don't know.

At least I got away from my mother for a few hours. I sat in my car, wondering who I am, what I am, nearly dozing off a few times. My caring for her was like falling down so deep into a mine shaft that when I got back to the surface, I didn't know what it was.

This is existence, this is breathing, but who am I?

　

COMING TOGETHER--28

Well, now, you'll never guess what happened. I developed a throat infection and temperature.

My mother panicked. She called my brother to take us to the hospital, where I was examined. I didn't have pneumonia or the flu, but I had a yeast infection and inflammation of my throat.

I had been saying, if this is my last day on earth I have fulfilled the opportunities God has given me; I have made out my will; I'm ready to go. But God said no.

Now I have joined the pill generation. Two medications, one for my mouth and one for my throat. I am tired.

Eating is an ordeal. It takes great pain to swallow any food so I have to have eggs and soup and water. No matter what it is, the pain of swallowing is great. But I have to eat, I have to do the best I can.

COMING TOGETHER--24

Today I did some errands early. When I returned Mom was up but not dressed. She still is not dressed. When I do favors for her she gets lazy. So I am avoiding her right now.

She received two calls, the second one for lunch tomorrow with somebody else. Thank God. I can get away from this apartment. The only thing to do here is eat and sleep.

The bed I'm sleeping in is killing my back. It was made to support my mother'ss 120+ pounds, not my 240+ pounds. We will have to get another bed. Right now I'm laying down on the floor, which helps more than anything.

I'm going to ask God to go before me and do things for me. To be perfectly honest, this arrangement bores me and discourages me. I'm not Mr. Relationship.

I wish I could come up with some reason for leaving the apartment early for work, but there isn't one right now.

　

COMING TOGETHER--25

Today I confronted Mom over her driving. I said if she's going to drive, she doesn't need me much any more. I told her I don't want to stay here for a year; maybe 6 months but not a year.

Her apartment is crowded to the max; there is something on every square inch of tables, chairs, sofas, closets, you name it. It's all right for her but for me it's like living in a phone booth.

So I told her, 'Do you want to drive by yourself, or don't you?'

She said she'd think about it.

I have to work 8 hours, 5 days now so I won't be here as much as I've been. Can she take care of herself, or not?

I don't want to live in her apartment but it is saving me money.

She didn't give any answer right away, which I took to mean she doesn't want to make an answer. She might have presumed I was going to be here for a year. She is not dressed as this is 12 noon.

+++

After thinking about it, Mom doesn't want me to leave. I suppose it would be disruption but I cannot go on living her life and not my own. I need to get away from her and caring for her but not myself. Tomorrow is Sunday.

　

COMING TOGETHER--26

Now my brother's daughter's fiance` called. He wanted to take Mom out to breakfast, but we are going to church. So Mom said they could come by after church. I agreed because I was driving at the time.

But I'm not going out with them. I'm glad they're coming for her; I need to get away from her and from them. I don't know what I will do tomorrow but I think I have to get away from them all.

Care giving is martyrdom. You live someone else's life, at least for a few hours. But the caregiver gets to go home; I don't.

So I need to get away. I wish I had a girlfriend or my Dad. I need to have a life, but I won't have one going on like this. I really miss myself. And yet, I can't say I have dug in with anyone. I can only say, I am no one by myself, I am partially no one with others.

I'm tired of living someone else's or tagging along after someone else. It's like living in a foreign country, you never quite fit, you can never quite relax.

I myself am looking for a life. This seems to be the theme underlying me as I take care of my mother. She soaks me up, I become a drained cup. I often wish I were somewhere else, someone else but that cannot be. I am festering man.

This life I lead is boring and meaningless. My mother and I live in a part of Dallas which is all shops, restaurants, places to spend and then leave. There are homes around here, for young families who eventually will go off somewhere else. If you just want to spend, fine. But what if you want a life that has some satisfaction, as I do? Then, nothing but traffic.

　

COMING TOGETHER--22

We have had another good day. I took my mother to church--she got dressed in 11 minutes! We were not late and we enjoyed ourselves. I can't say I enjoy Mom's church, it's more of a country club than the body of Christ, but she is inspired by it.

COMING TOGETHER--23

This has been a good day, Monday. Mom was not up when I left the apartment to do several chores. It was good for me to just not think about her, just to get away. Still, I can't really get away.

Mom was up when I came back, she had something for breakfast, and was in good spirits. She has leveled off, and she seems to realize if she begins with breakfast everything goes well.

Her hearing is fading. She has to have the tv so loud. But I can't say it bothers me all that much. I am more bothered by her not eating than the loud tv.

The weather here is bad, high winds and snow north of us in Dallas. A bad, howling snowstorm came across the midwest, heading for New England. And the news out of Washington about budget cuts is nervous. These cuts have to come if we are to avoid being Greece or another country, but the news of what has to be done is still nerve wracking.

We are all right here and now. We have enough food, we have a great shelter, and I have a job--at least for now.

COMING TOGETHER--21

We have had another good day. Mom has gotten herself up again, even at 9am! This is good news. I was going to leave her but if she continues to co-operate like this, I will change my mind. She accepted the apple juice that she rejected before, she ate a good breakfast. So things are much better than they were. I like this.

I've been able to get my writing done, I've taken a short nap, and we have gotten along much better than before.

In fact, Mom is actually out walking without being prompted by me or anyone else--this is good.

　

COMING TOGETHER--22

We have had another good day. I took my mother to church--she got dressed in 11 minutes! We were not late and we enjoyed ourselves. I can't say I enjoy Mom's church, it's more of a country club than the body of Christ, but she is inspired by it.

COMING TOGETHER--20

This morning is much better. Her doctor called at 930am, the exact time I usually have to drag her out of bed. They did it for me. Then she got up, evidently feeling like she needed to act differently toward me.

She came in the kitchen, asking what I would want for breakfast. So instead of me having to force cereal down her, she is trying to make breakfaast for both of us. She accepted the apple juice today which she rejected yesterday.

Her attitude is better and we both ate in a strained lack of talk. We were both walking on glass, careful of what to say.

Gradually we learned to get along better, probably the way we should have all along. I thought, I should not have forced her out of bed; I should have prayed that God would go before me.

　

COMING TOGETHER--21

We have had another good day. Mom has gotten herself up again, even at 9am! This is good news. I was going to leave her but if she continues to co-operate like this, I will change my mind. She accepted the apple juice that she rejected before, she ate a good breakfast. So things are much better than they were. I like this.

I've been able to get my writing done, I've taken a short nap, and we have gotten along much better than before.

In fact, Mom is actually out walking without being prompted by me or anyone else--this is good.

COMING TOGETHER--18

Last night Mom said she would eat meatloaf for dinner, but she lied. She did not, probably had no intention of eating it. Right now it is 830am, she is lying in bed. I expect to have to get her out of bed at 930; I expect to have to make her eat breakfast when she does get up. This is going to be a bad day. I despise a liar and I have to accept the fact that she is willing to lie or do anything to get her way, even if it kills her.

At first I was angry at this. But it's my fault for thinking she would ever be anything but the manipulator she's always been. This makes any good time we might have had before seem phony.

I might have to accept she will not eat more than once a day. I have to accept what she really is and she will do this again.

　

COMING TOGETHER--19

Today was contentious. I had to take her to her hairdresser, although I didn't really have to. There was much antagonism between us all day. She told me to bring her lunch while she sat under the hairdresser, which I did. I knew I was being treatted like a slave but I did it because I had been hard on her.

When we got home, Jack came by. He was a blessing from God.

She began to tell him how great she was. I felt urged within myself to contradict her, so I did. And in front of him. That ruined the phony act she was putting on about being so good. She likes to tell people how well she eats, when this is a lie. She told Jack how much she walks around the property when she does no such thing.

After a while, she told me to leave the room. She went into her haughty act with Jack because he actually came to ask for money for his daughter. Giving money makes her feel good, so she did it.

I left for work, thinking, I have to get out of ths arrangement with her. I have to get out of her apartment and away from her. So I went on to work, trying to feel free of her clinginess and her deceptions. At work I emailed my daughter and sister about the truth of this situation.

　

COMING TOGETHER--16

It has been a long day. I am back at the apartment,with my mother at the hotel. We probably need to be separated. She likes being waited on, I do not like waiting on her.

I went out to a store after dropping her off. I just needed to find my own life again after 4 weeks of her. I'm very sleepy.

I can't sleep all through the night. Probably lack of nutrittion or something. I'm beginning to not want to be here, although I have nothing really iimportant to do elsewhere.

In a way, it's better not having her here, or so it seems. This drains me since all the people who might help me or show some support for me are not in my family. They are at a church. I feel drained, a dry throat in a desert. It is 120am in the morrning, and I wish the time would just go away.

　

COMING TOGETHER--17

I have come to the hotel. I saw Mom walking to the registration desk, dressed and ready to check out. This is wonderful. She is ready to go. So we went to the restaurant for breakfast.

Mom was in a wonderful mood. The night away from me and the apartment did as much for her as for me. We sat down to order. The breakfast was awesome and expensive. We both enjoyed ourselves and had a good talk.

The hotel has a Black church convention on the 3rd floor. There were people everywhere. And they were well-dressed. So we ate in the restaurant with many others.

Mom and I had a good talk during breakfast. When we came back to her apartment, where I crashed asleep. Mom is not being difficult or lazy or refusing to do what she should.