COMING TOGETHER--55
This is Thursday. We have been to Mom's hair salon, to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch and now we are back home.
This 18 mile trip to the salon is Mom's freedom. It gives her a chance to be the center of attention. She usually doesn't want to just come home. So we went to the Cheesecake Factory, a restaurant. Mom ate very little real food but she did load up on strawberry shortcake. This is what she does. She doesn't really like real food, she wants sweets because it deals with her depression.
Then after we came home and I had a 2 hour nap, she wanted to go back to the salon. I think she made this up, simply because it makes her feel independent. She craves her independence, which age and blindness has taken from her. She craves being away from me because I represent dependency.
Now she is taking a walk to get away from me and this apartment. I hope it lasts, but I fear she will come up with something else to get away. I probably need to leave as soon as possible for work.
+++
This is Friday, a nice overcast day, mild. I got Mom breakfast from McDonald's so she would have to eat some real food. It worked. She ate well, was grateful and I gave her some chocolate cookies two hours later.
I left for some exercise with the baseball at a park--had a good time and came back to write this. I'm not sure my mother even remembers yesterday.
COMING TOGETHER--56
Here it is Sunday already. Mom got up early for church, surprising me. We went. The sermon was confusing, about God not condemning us, but coming to save us. It was based on John 3.16, 17.
We went to The Egg and I, ate well. When we returned, I slept for two hours. The item of the day is that Mom has an overgrown toenail which will be painful to cut. I don't know how I'm going to her in the car. I don't know if they can deaden her toe so it won't hurt. It might hurt plenty. But that is tomorrow.
I work tonight, all night long.
On Monday I didn't try to get Mom in the car. I just let it pass. If the toenail grows, then it will just have to be that way. I mentioned it to her at noon today, she said she would go this afternoon. I knew that was a lie. So I just dropped the subject.
We have gone for our usual walk. I got Mom a salad from Schotzsky's Deli. The salad is terrific but I don't know if she'll eat any of it. I have to learn to drop that subject, also.
She is losing her mind, gradually. She knows this. She made a comment yesterday about having Alzheimer's. She is in no pain, her heart is still going but she just doesn't like to eat food. Right now it is 4pm; she doesn't want to eat the salad, she wants to eat chocolate. I just have to accept this.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Friday, May 3, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--54
I got up early today to get the car oil changed. I had the ball bearings tightened and worked on the internet at McDonalds.
Mom got up while I was away, she actually took a shower. So I said I could take her to The Egg and I. I'll drink something and this will make sure she eats something after that pitiful dinner last night.
Everything went well until Mom paid for her breakfast. The bill was $13.50. She said she paid with a $50 bill, insisting she gave the girl one bill. She showed me her change, which was $74. I questioned this. I said, 'Did you give her one bill?' She felt insulted, adamant about giving the girl one bill. I said, 'But you've been mistaken before.' That set her off. She was mad and crying and doing her version of yelling at me. So I left the apartment for a few hours.
I asked the clerk if Mom had given her one bill or two. The clerk said one, saying she gave my mother $37.50 in change. Mom had $74 in her hand that she insisted was the change the girl gave her.
I went to a half-price book store, I went to a library, I went to get myself pizza. Now I am back 4 hours later, Mom is asleep with her mail on her lap. I want to move out, but maybe I have asked that of God too many times. I don't know what she is going to say when she wakes up.
This might be the beginning of the end of us living together. I don't mind that, but it might be bad for her.
+++
She was fragile. She spoke to me gradually, so I tried to be as polite as she wants me to be. We warmed up a little at a time. I left her some pizza, which she didn't want. So I went off to my Bible study. When I returned, she said I made her nervous coming in the apartment without announcing myself.
Then she saw me eat the left-over pizza, so she wanted to eat a piece also. Later I realized she didn't really like the pizza, it was just to sit with me in the kitchen. That's what she really wanted all along
I got up early today to get the car oil changed. I had the ball bearings tightened and worked on the internet at McDonalds.
Mom got up while I was away, she actually took a shower. So I said I could take her to The Egg and I. I'll drink something and this will make sure she eats something after that pitiful dinner last night.
Everything went well until Mom paid for her breakfast. The bill was $13.50. She said she paid with a $50 bill, insisting she gave the girl one bill. She showed me her change, which was $74. I questioned this. I said, 'Did you give her one bill?' She felt insulted, adamant about giving the girl one bill. I said, 'But you've been mistaken before.' That set her off. She was mad and crying and doing her version of yelling at me. So I left the apartment for a few hours.
I asked the clerk if Mom had given her one bill or two. The clerk said one, saying she gave my mother $37.50 in change. Mom had $74 in her hand that she insisted was the change the girl gave her.
I went to a half-price book store, I went to a library, I went to get myself pizza. Now I am back 4 hours later, Mom is asleep with her mail on her lap. I want to move out, but maybe I have asked that of God too many times. I don't know what she is going to say when she wakes up.
This might be the beginning of the end of us living together. I don't mind that, but it might be bad for her.
+++
She was fragile. She spoke to me gradually, so I tried to be as polite as she wants me to be. We warmed up a little at a time. I left her some pizza, which she didn't want. So I went off to my Bible study. When I returned, she said I made her nervous coming in the apartment without announcing myself.
Then she saw me eat the left-over pizza, so she wanted to eat a piece also. Later I realized she didn't really like the pizza, it was just to sit with me in the kitchen. That's what she really wanted all along
Thursday, May 2, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--53
Today is Tuesday. Mom has eaten well for the last few days. She has gotten herself up in the morning, which is a relief to me. Her disposition has been good but she has become clingy and self-pitying lately. She has to be in the room with me, wherever I go. So I have had to leave the apartment more often to get things done.
I have learned to sleep more at the apartment duirng the day. The job shift, being 8pm to 4am, is getting boring. I am finding fewer and fewer ways to keep myself occupied all through the night.
Mom is reading better because she has been eating better. The quality of the blood is everything when you get older. Money-wise we are in good shape. We just need to keep improving.
+++
Things turned out different than I hoped. Mom wanted to go to WalMart with me to get her own kind of food. She seems to resent being under my influence a little more each day. So she got what she wanted, including alcohol, not what I would have bought her.
When she feels better, she gets independent. Then she refuses to do what she did to feel better. Then she eats less because she only eats what tastes sugary to her. Right now, I resent this, feeling like--okay, do what you want. It's really a disappointment, as much as I'd like to wish she would keep doing what made her feel good. But my mother never does. But then I know I often don't follow through on that attitude.
Today Mom has eated cereal and one slice of bread with a few peanuts. Tomorrow I will have to get her to eat real food. We will see how much she objects to what I want. I expect the worst.
Mom is watching a tv show about the Depression and the dust bowl that came west with it. My mother was part of that, as was her mother. Her mother had severe arthritis because of breathing the dust, and depression. My mother inherited the depression but not the arthritis. My mother cannot get away from this show; she loves the crying and emotional pain it causes.
I could not go along with her desire for emotional sympathy. I won't feed her self-pity and selfish emotions. I would not stand there and agree or be sympathetic. I've seen the show before and I've read works by Willa Cather, so I won't go along with her depression.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--52
Now it is Friday. I had to drive 52 miles to the company office to pick up my name tag. I was mad at this all the way there and back. Fortunately the car ran great. Now I am home.
My mother woke herself up. Then God gave us both a blessing. My brother's wife Michelle called. She verified how important it is for Mom to eat, and Mom seems to have realized the value of what I am doing for her. A blessing just when Mom and I needed it.
I came back, a bit frustrated at not having any help, so Michelle's call helped. Mom was up, not dressed, but in a decent mood. I went to WalMart for some food and drink, so I am back writing this.
I feel redeemed in what I am doing.
But my brother is going to lose all his upper teeth. He has had nothing but health issues. He used to feel that he was not wanted as a child. My Dad said he was a 'surprise,' so he resented my Dad for years. This reminds me that one of the 10 Commandments is to honor your father and mother. Phil didn't do that for years, until Dad died.
The same is true in our family. My youngest daughter April has run away from me for years and she also has health issues. My oldest daughter does not. I don't have health issues because I worshiped the ground my father walked on. It may not be fair but it is a command.
+++
This is Saturday. I have gone to the bank, to Barnes & Noble for a NY Times for my mother and done a few other things. I let her get up when she wants to get up. I've decided to let her sleep as long as she wants. She had a good breakfast by the time I was back. That is quite gratifying. I brought her the favorite cup of coffee, which she loves.
By the way, when I was at the Post Office I saw a girl. She was in her mid '30s. She had that look which I really like. I think she had a speech impediment, but I would have spoken to her if there had been any opening. There wasn't. I didn't make any opening, which I guess is my fault. Several people want me to get married again, but that would interfere with my taking care of my mother. She knows this, I do, and it doesn't bother me too much. I'd like to be done with taking care of my mother all by myself, but who knows what will happen next.
Anyway, the girl drove off and I went my own way.
I paid some bills for my mother.
Now it is Friday. I had to drive 52 miles to the company office to pick up my name tag. I was mad at this all the way there and back. Fortunately the car ran great. Now I am home.
My mother woke herself up. Then God gave us both a blessing. My brother's wife Michelle called. She verified how important it is for Mom to eat, and Mom seems to have realized the value of what I am doing for her. A blessing just when Mom and I needed it.
I came back, a bit frustrated at not having any help, so Michelle's call helped. Mom was up, not dressed, but in a decent mood. I went to WalMart for some food and drink, so I am back writing this.
I feel redeemed in what I am doing.
But my brother is going to lose all his upper teeth. He has had nothing but health issues. He used to feel that he was not wanted as a child. My Dad said he was a 'surprise,' so he resented my Dad for years. This reminds me that one of the 10 Commandments is to honor your father and mother. Phil didn't do that for years, until Dad died.
The same is true in our family. My youngest daughter April has run away from me for years and she also has health issues. My oldest daughter does not. I don't have health issues because I worshiped the ground my father walked on. It may not be fair but it is a command.
+++
This is Saturday. I have gone to the bank, to Barnes & Noble for a NY Times for my mother and done a few other things. I let her get up when she wants to get up. I've decided to let her sleep as long as she wants. She had a good breakfast by the time I was back. That is quite gratifying. I brought her the favorite cup of coffee, which she loves.
By the way, when I was at the Post Office I saw a girl. She was in her mid '30s. She had that look which I really like. I think she had a speech impediment, but I would have spoken to her if there had been any opening. There wasn't. I didn't make any opening, which I guess is my fault. Several people want me to get married again, but that would interfere with my taking care of my mother. She knows this, I do, and it doesn't bother me too much. I'd like to be done with taking care of my mother all by myself, but who knows what will happen next.
Anyway, the girl drove off and I went my own way.
I paid some bills for my mother.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--51
This is Friday morning. Mom did not eat her dinner last night. This hurts me because I had come to the point of nearly trusting her. Now I have to consider the fact that her lying to me has not ended. I have to go back to not trusting her. And this is near the time when my schedule is going to change. I will have to go to work at noon, coming home at 830pm. Now I will have to go to work nervous about what she will do.
I just pray she will be co-operative about breakfast. She is awake, I know but lying in bed. Yesterday she wanted to lie in bed and watch tv before 9am. I know her energy is weakening slowly, but should I make her get up or just let her lie?
My fears will not allow me to just let her lie there, but I know in my mind she will not get better. She will only age. I wish she were in a home so I could get some rest from the stress of her, but that's not going to happen. As Fr. Don said, this is a road I will have to travel alone.
As of Sunday, Mom is back to her old tricks of eating sweets all day and saying she isn't hungry. She stuffs more sweets down her throat than real food. She begs for ice cream and then eats it all afternoon long.
This is a constant struggle. I think it is because she is depressed. As I've said, I'd like to put her in a retirement home where they would make her eat two good meals a day. With me, she is up to this continual manipulation game over sweets. I get tired of this. I get tired of her. I'm not qualified to live with her and be her nurse and guardian. Real nurses get to go home, they get weekends off but I don't.
She refused to get out of bed before 10am, so I went to church without her. She was dressed when I got back. We went out to eat, but all she did was eat jelly and jam on her toast and drink coffee with sugar in it. She said she couldn't eat anymore and then she came home to stuff herself all afternoon long with snacks.
I suppose I have to put up with this from now on.
This is Friday morning. Mom did not eat her dinner last night. This hurts me because I had come to the point of nearly trusting her. Now I have to consider the fact that her lying to me has not ended. I have to go back to not trusting her. And this is near the time when my schedule is going to change. I will have to go to work at noon, coming home at 830pm. Now I will have to go to work nervous about what she will do.
I just pray she will be co-operative about breakfast. She is awake, I know but lying in bed. Yesterday she wanted to lie in bed and watch tv before 9am. I know her energy is weakening slowly, but should I make her get up or just let her lie?
My fears will not allow me to just let her lie there, but I know in my mind she will not get better. She will only age. I wish she were in a home so I could get some rest from the stress of her, but that's not going to happen. As Fr. Don said, this is a road I will have to travel alone.
As of Sunday, Mom is back to her old tricks of eating sweets all day and saying she isn't hungry. She stuffs more sweets down her throat than real food. She begs for ice cream and then eats it all afternoon long.
This is a constant struggle. I think it is because she is depressed. As I've said, I'd like to put her in a retirement home where they would make her eat two good meals a day. With me, she is up to this continual manipulation game over sweets. I get tired of this. I get tired of her. I'm not qualified to live with her and be her nurse and guardian. Real nurses get to go home, they get weekends off but I don't.
She refused to get out of bed before 10am, so I went to church without her. She was dressed when I got back. We went out to eat, but all she did was eat jelly and jam on her toast and drink coffee with sugar in it. She said she couldn't eat anymore and then she came home to stuff herself all afternoon long with snacks.
I suppose I have to put up with this from now on.
Monday, April 29, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--49
This morning, everything went well. We went to the dentist for me and it was not painful--until we got the $815 bill! Mom and I paid for it. Now I am taking her to her surgeon.
Actually I have to say Mom is doing all right. She has been easier to get along with than she has for some time. Her dementia is gradual, little by little. She sees very little. I think maybe something might happen in the next few weeks to change our routine, although I don't know what it might be.
Her surgeon says she is deteriorating at a slow rate. Her main aorta should be 3 inches wide on the inside but it is about 1/2 inch and shrinking. He has surgery options but they all are open heart options which he doesn't want to do right now. He did recommend calcium.
I think Mom has been lying to me about taking her nasal spray, so I will see what the truth is tonight. I got us dinner at Subway, which she ate well. I gave her the nose spray. I don't think she ever does the spray if I'm not there. I'm not sure she'd ever do a good dinner without me to get it.
She walked around the apartments twice today. I know this wears her out, so when she said she was sleeping in, I realized how little exercise she can get.
Now it is Wednesday morning. She has slept all night and I don't expect her up till around 10am. I'm going to have to make her take her allergy pill at that time. I've been up since 7, getting dry cleaning and laundry to the right places. It is cold and raining.
COMING TOGETHER--50
This is Thursday morning. Mom didn't want to get out of bed. I was afraid this might mean something, so maybe my urgency against her lying in bed made an impression on her to get up. She always says she's 'all right,' even if that isn't always the case.
So I got the laundry, tossing it down on her bed while she was still in it. I went away to do some work on the internet at a bookstore's open wifi, and when I came back Mom was up. She was dressed and had eaten a pear and had some milk.
I brough a breakfast sandwich from McDonalds with her favorite coffee. She was up and in positive spirits. So I tried to be positive with her at the breakfast table.
My fears were probably false. I have to respect the fact she is 92 years old. I have to accept the fact that she likes lying in bed all day, whereas I don't. It was probably good that I got her up, but I need to not panic. The trouble is I have no experience at knowing when my mother is in trouble and when she isn't.
Now as I write this, she is in the other room, in her easy chair reading one of her magazines. I know she will fall asleep soon, but that doesn't bother me as much as her laying in bed so long.
This afternoon, before I drive to work, the apartments is having a $5 pizza offer. That's what I will have for dinner.
This morning, everything went well. We went to the dentist for me and it was not painful--until we got the $815 bill! Mom and I paid for it. Now I am taking her to her surgeon.
Actually I have to say Mom is doing all right. She has been easier to get along with than she has for some time. Her dementia is gradual, little by little. She sees very little. I think maybe something might happen in the next few weeks to change our routine, although I don't know what it might be.
Her surgeon says she is deteriorating at a slow rate. Her main aorta should be 3 inches wide on the inside but it is about 1/2 inch and shrinking. He has surgery options but they all are open heart options which he doesn't want to do right now. He did recommend calcium.
I think Mom has been lying to me about taking her nasal spray, so I will see what the truth is tonight. I got us dinner at Subway, which she ate well. I gave her the nose spray. I don't think she ever does the spray if I'm not there. I'm not sure she'd ever do a good dinner without me to get it.
She walked around the apartments twice today. I know this wears her out, so when she said she was sleeping in, I realized how little exercise she can get.
Now it is Wednesday morning. She has slept all night and I don't expect her up till around 10am. I'm going to have to make her take her allergy pill at that time. I've been up since 7, getting dry cleaning and laundry to the right places. It is cold and raining.
COMING TOGETHER--50
This is Thursday morning. Mom didn't want to get out of bed. I was afraid this might mean something, so maybe my urgency against her lying in bed made an impression on her to get up. She always says she's 'all right,' even if that isn't always the case.
So I got the laundry, tossing it down on her bed while she was still in it. I went away to do some work on the internet at a bookstore's open wifi, and when I came back Mom was up. She was dressed and had eaten a pear and had some milk.
I brough a breakfast sandwich from McDonalds with her favorite coffee. She was up and in positive spirits. So I tried to be positive with her at the breakfast table.
My fears were probably false. I have to respect the fact she is 92 years old. I have to accept the fact that she likes lying in bed all day, whereas I don't. It was probably good that I got her up, but I need to not panic. The trouble is I have no experience at knowing when my mother is in trouble and when she isn't.
Now as I write this, she is in the other room, in her easy chair reading one of her magazines. I know she will fall asleep soon, but that doesn't bother me as much as her laying in bed so long.
This afternoon, before I drive to work, the apartments is having a $5 pizza offer. That's what I will have for dinner.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--48
This Sunday I overslept, so as soon as I woke up Mom said, 'The tables have turned!' A touch of sarcasm, but I think she is weary of being told what to do by me. I am tired of telling her what to do. I'm tired of living her life instead of mine. But here we are.
I got dressed in a hurry for church. The service was crummy. Two young women were trying to act out church leadership without the gifts to do so. The sermon didn't have anything I could use to get through the week. Mom said the sermon wandered. But we did have communion.
We ate at a place called The Egg and I. We had to wait a long time, Sunday crowd. I was getting frustrated at this. Mom and I didn't say much during lunch. We both needed sleep when we came home.
I think both of us are tired of the other. She is tired of being limited by her blindness and old age. I am tired of taking care of her when I'd like to be living my life. I'm 63, these are my last years, but insted of doing things I'd like to have done all my life, I am taking care of her. It's somewhat like taking care of a baby, she is so slow, she can do so little for herself.
Now it is the afternoon. Mom is sleeping as she has most of the afternoon. She will have to take her pill soon. I will have to go to work soon. Another week of nights and then I go on the day shift. I have some trepidation about this but it will give me some relief from the stress of doing this.
This Sunday I overslept, so as soon as I woke up Mom said, 'The tables have turned!' A touch of sarcasm, but I think she is weary of being told what to do by me. I am tired of telling her what to do. I'm tired of living her life instead of mine. But here we are.
I got dressed in a hurry for church. The service was crummy. Two young women were trying to act out church leadership without the gifts to do so. The sermon didn't have anything I could use to get through the week. Mom said the sermon wandered. But we did have communion.
We ate at a place called The Egg and I. We had to wait a long time, Sunday crowd. I was getting frustrated at this. Mom and I didn't say much during lunch. We both needed sleep when we came home.
I think both of us are tired of the other. She is tired of being limited by her blindness and old age. I am tired of taking care of her when I'd like to be living my life. I'm 63, these are my last years, but insted of doing things I'd like to have done all my life, I am taking care of her. It's somewhat like taking care of a baby, she is so slow, she can do so little for herself.
Now it is the afternoon. Mom is sleeping as she has most of the afternoon. She will have to take her pill soon. I will have to go to work soon. Another week of nights and then I go on the day shift. I have some trepidation about this but it will give me some relief from the stress of doing this.
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