COMING TOGETHER--52

Now it is Friday. I had to drive 52 miles to the company office to pick up my name tag. I was mad at this all the way there and back. Fortunately the car ran great. Now I am home.

My mother woke herself up. Then God gave us both a blessing. My brother's wife Michelle called. She verified how important it is for Mom to eat, and Mom seems to have realized the value of what I am doing for her. A blessing just when Mom and I needed it.

I came back, a bit frustrated at not having any help, so Michelle's call helped. Mom was up, not dressed, but in a decent mood. I went to WalMart for some food and drink, so I am back writing this.

I feel redeemed in what I am doing.

But my brother is going to lose all his upper teeth. He has had nothing but health issues. He used to feel that he was not wanted as a child. My Dad said he was a 'surprise,' so he resented my Dad for years. This reminds me that one of the 10 Commandments is to honor your father and mother. Phil didn't do that for years, until Dad died.

The same is true in our family. My youngest daughter April has run away from me for years and she also has health issues. My oldest daughter does not. I don't have health issues because I worshiped the ground my father walked on. It may not be fair but it is a command.

+++

This is Saturday. I have gone to the bank, to Barnes & Noble for a NY Times for my mother and done a few other things. I let her get up when she wants to get up. I've decided to let her sleep as long as she wants. She had a good breakfast by the time I was back. That is quite gratifying. I brought her the favorite cup of coffee, which she loves.

By the way, when I was at the Post Office I saw a girl. She was in her mid '30s. She had that look which I really like. I think she had a speech impediment, but I would have spoken to her if there had been any opening. There wasn't. I didn't make any opening, which I guess is my fault. Several people want me to get married again, but that would interfere with my taking care of my mother. She knows this, I do, and it doesn't bother me too much. I'd like to be done with taking care of my mother all by myself, but who knows what will happen next.

Anyway, the girl drove off and I went my own way.

I paid some bills for my mother.

COMING TOGETHER--51

This is Friday morning. Mom did not eat her dinner last night. This hurts me because I had come to the point of nearly trusting her. Now I have to consider the fact that her lying to me has not ended. I have to go back to not trusting her. And this is near the time when my schedule is going to change. I will have to go to work at noon, coming home at 830pm. Now I will have to go to work nervous about what she will do.

I just pray she will be co-operative about breakfast. She is awake, I know but lying in bed. Yesterday she wanted to lie in bed and watch tv before 9am. I know her energy is weakening slowly, but should I make her get up or just let her lie?

My fears will not allow me to just let her lie there, but I know in my mind she will not get better. She will only age. I wish she were in a home so I could get some rest from the stress of her, but that's not going to happen. As Fr. Don said, this is a road I will have to travel alone.

As of Sunday, Mom is back to her old tricks of eating sweets all day and saying she isn't hungry. She stuffs more sweets down her throat than real food. She begs for ice cream and then eats it all afternoon long.

This is a constant struggle. I think it is because she is depressed. As I've said, I'd like to put her in a retirement home where they would make her eat two good meals a day. With me, she is up to this continual manipulation game over sweets. I get tired of this. I get tired of her. I'm not qualified to live with her and be her nurse and guardian. Real nurses get to go home, they get weekends off but I don't.

She refused to get out of bed before 10am, so I went to church without her. She was dressed when I got back. We went out to eat, but all she did was eat jelly and jam on her toast and drink coffee with sugar in it. She said she couldn't eat anymore and then she came home to stuff herself all afternoon long with snacks.

I suppose I have to put up with this from now on.

COMING TOGETHER--49

This morning, everything went well. We went to the dentist for me and it was not painful--until we got the $815 bill! Mom and I paid for it. Now I am taking her to her surgeon.

Actually I have to say Mom is doing all right. She has been easier to get along with than she has for some time. Her dementia is gradual, little by little. She sees very little. I think maybe something might happen in the next few weeks to change our routine, although I don't know what it might be.

Her surgeon says she is deteriorating at a slow rate. Her main aorta should be 3 inches wide on the inside but it is about 1/2 inch and shrinking. He has surgery options but they all are open heart options which he doesn't want to do right now. He did recommend calcium.

I think Mom has been lying to me about taking her nasal spray, so I will see what the truth is tonight. I got us dinner at Subway, which she ate well. I gave her the nose spray. I don't think she ever does the spray if I'm not there. I'm not sure she'd ever do a good dinner without me to get it.

She walked around the apartments twice today. I know this wears her out, so when she said she was sleeping in, I realized how little exercise she can get.

Now it is Wednesday morning. She has slept all night and I don't expect her up till around 10am. I'm going to have to make her take her allergy pill at that time. I've been up since 7, getting dry cleaning and laundry to the right places. It is cold and raining.

　

COMING TOGETHER--50

This is Thursday morning. Mom didn't want to get out of bed. I was afraid this might mean something, so maybe my urgency against her lying in bed made an impression on her to get up. She always says she's 'all right,' even if that isn't always the case.

So I got the laundry, tossing it down on her bed while she was still in it. I went away to do some work on the internet at a bookstore's open wifi, and when I came back Mom was up. She was dressed and had eaten a pear and had some milk.

I brough a breakfast sandwich from McDonalds with her favorite coffee. She was up and in positive spirits. So I tried to be positive with her at the breakfast table.

My fears were probably false. I have to respect the fact she is 92 years old. I have to accept the fact that she likes lying in bed all day, whereas I don't. It was probably good that I got her up, but I need to not panic. The trouble is I have no experience at knowing when my mother is in trouble and when she isn't.

Now as I write this, she is in the other room, in her easy chair reading one of her magazines. I know she will fall asleep soon, but that doesn't bother me as much as her laying in bed so long.

This afternoon, before I drive to work, the apartments is having a $5 pizza offer. That's what I will have for dinner.

COMING TOGETHER--48

This Sunday I overslept, so as soon as I woke up Mom said, 'The tables have turned!' A touch of sarcasm, but I think she is weary of being told what to do by me. I am tired of telling her what to do. I'm tired of living her life instead of mine. But here we are.

I got dressed in a hurry for church. The service was crummy. Two young women were trying to act out church leadership without the gifts to do so. The sermon didn't have anything I could use to get through the week. Mom said the sermon wandered. But we did have communion.

We ate at a place called The Egg and I. We had to wait a long time, Sunday crowd. I was getting frustrated at this. Mom and I didn't say much during lunch. We both needed sleep when we came home.

I think both of us are tired of the other. She is tired of being limited by her blindness and old age. I am tired of taking care of her when I'd like to be living my life. I'm 63, these are my last years, but insted of doing things I'd like to have done all my life, I am taking care of her. It's somewhat like taking care of a baby, she is so slow, she can do so little for herself.

Now it is the afternoon. Mom is sleeping as she has most of the afternoon. She will have to take her pill soon. I will have to go to work soon. Another week of nights and then I go on the day shift. I have some trepidation about this but it will give me some relief from the stress of doing this.

COMING TOGETHER--47

Today is Friday. I have spoken with Pam Jurlina and exchanged emails with her. She knows I need to get away from my mother. Last night I had to depend on Mom to eat the dinner I put out and she did. Excellent! And I had to depend on her to take her pill, which she doesn't like, and it seems she did--excellent.

I hope this means the coughing is over. I know she won't want to take the pill again, so I'll see how this goes. But now she says she will take the pill until the bottle is empty. Maybe her attitude is improving and I need to recognize this.

Friday night, her neighbor Diane came over to visit with Mom. Diane is about 53 years old, a computer consultant who has dated the same guy for 30 years--is this weird, or what? She's a tiny cute girl, possibly lonely or possibly she just doesn't relate. Anyway, she stayed a long time, longer that Mom wanted her to stay. I thought that was great, it gave me some relief from the responsibility.

On Saturday we went to get Mom's hair done and then to El Fenix afterward. That was a hit. But now my company wants me to come back to the afternoon shift--12 to 8pm. This means Mom would be on her own all afternoon and I would have to trust her to eat and stay away from the car.

Right now I have the car. Her coughing is over, she seems to be dependable but who knows? She seems to be recovering. I don't know where this will lead. Her driver's license is out of date. The apartment has some social activities for warmer weather. If I work this new schedule, that changes the outlook of everything. Now it is Saturday night.

COMING TOGETHER--46

It is Monday. We went to the dentist, who said Mom's inflammation was nothing serious. We ate at The Egg and I, restaurant, and we got breakfast there. It was good and light.

Now we are at home, getting caught up on the forms Mom needs to pay her taxes. She is looking for another form for her utility bills. She cannot see much of anything but her attitude is noticeably better.

I can see that she is recovering in some areas, but failing in eyesight and hearing. Her memory is gradually eroding but not in all areas.

I am tired and probably somewhat sick from the stress and fatifue of what I'm doing. I took a 2 hour nap today because I needed it so bad. I can't really ever relax living with my mother; there's too much ego between us. I'd like to have a day away from her, but I can't do that just yet.

On Tuesday, we went to the dentist for me. The cost was $853 which I will pay out by a plan, now that I am working. Then I took Mom to a clinic where they examined her for her cough and running nose. They gave her two prescriptions after a long wait. She was patient, but that may be because she seems weaker than before. Today she ate a small amount of cereal, she refused lunch, and we will see if she eats for dinner.

I don't like for her to eat so little, but maybe she is just weakening with age. I try to put her in God's hands, hoping she will recover but I know she has lived a long life and it is time to go. I just don't know when. So I pray.

Now it is Thursday. We have had a good week. Mom is coughing often with this allergy stuffing her throat, but she does have two medications. They are working but they take a few days. In the meantime, she suffers with getting up in the night coughing.

Her attitude is good through all of this.

I have learned that old folks do sleep a lot and eat very little. That's normal, so I have to accept what she's doing as all right.

She is actually doing quite well for a person her age, and I have to keep that in mind.

COMING TOGETHER--45

I thought she had given up driving--in her mind--but I was wrong. Yesterday she said she could drive again, but I said 'no.' She didn't argue the point any more, maybe because I keep reminding her of when she last drove she nearly hit a pedestrian right in front of her.

Her license is expired, and cut along the top, meaning she can't drive at night. If she confronts me about driving I will refuse. But as long as her car is there in the garage, she will want to drive.

She thinks she is getting better, but she isn't. She has not got any worse, as long as I am here to tell her what day it is and what she should do. Her vision is bad, her hearing is noticeably worse, her mind is in the first stages of dementia. But her heart and digestion systems are all right. In fact, they are good for her age.

But I don't believe she can't be left alone.

I am back at work, 8pm to 4am, so that I can take care of her during the day. I don't get more than 4 hours sleep but I have no choice. I feel like we are headed to some day of decision. Maybe to moving out to a care facility, maybe to me moving back to an apartment, maybe I'm just wishing my responsibility would have a day of ending this year.