COMING TOGETHER--38
This is Sunday. I went to church early, taking her car so she couldn't. When I got back around 12 noon, she was sitting in her sofa chair, reading.
She said her friend was going to pick her up at 10am but no one came. When I came back from church, the garage door was open, something she says she can't stand. I think she just forgot since her friend never came.
Then Mom gave me one of her pitiful acts, pretending to be worried when I left early this morning without telling her where I was going. I don't really believe in that, since she had her own plans.
Now she is reading and I am here typing this up.
She didn't eat all day. I got frustrated at her not wanting to eat, so I kinda shook her shoulders to get through to her. I think I rattled her enough so that she said she would eat a turkey sandwich left over from yesterday. She was quite co-operative about that and I appreciated that.
She ate well and drank milk, all good stuff. We watched the Rangers win a baseball game, then watched the Irish tenors on public television. So the afternoon has gone well, when my mother eats well. She had some chocolate pieces, a good reward for eating well.
When Mom eats well, the day goes well.
Now it is Monday, early, around 8am. Mom's bedroom light is on, which means she got up to go to the bathroom. She is back in her bed, probably pretending to be asleep.
I'd really like her to eat breakfast without any arguing or persuading from me. I'd like to have a break from this constant confrontation with her about eating. I get weary of this. I wonder how long this will go on. I know there won't be any relief of this responsibility for me.
She did get up and eat well. In fact, she ate Cheerios and Total cereal together--I hadn't thought of that but she liked it well. So I congratulated her on how well she ate.
We seemed to be having a good time. I got Subway for her, meatballs and she seemed to really like that. I had roasted chicken, as I always do. The evening went well.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--37
I got Mom her favorite breakfast at McDonald's. She seemed grateful. Then she slept from about 11am to 230pm. When she woke up, she seemed resentful. Maybe it was because I was not enthusiastic about looking at her old pictures, which she has shown me so many times.
She has gone out walking, without me. She didn't even ask if I want to come. I am wondering if she is walking off the apartment property by herself. I expect her to do that today or some day.
She seems moody but I know her eating habits cause this, at least to some degree. I wonder how she'll be when she gets back.
She is back, sitting on the steps outside the apt. She is by herself, still looking moody with her lower lip stuck out. She does this when she is being defensive.
I wonder if my not being enthusiastic about her pictures triggered this. I think she might be forming some thing in her head. Maybe the desire for isolation is her kind of death, her kind of suicide.
After thinking about this, I wonder if my way of living has to do with going on to tomorrow and her way of living does not. I suppose she only has the feeling of today. Tomorrow is Sunday. I wonder if she will want to go to church tomorrow. This mood might last longer than this afternoon.
It is a few hours later. I went to a restaurant to get her dinner. She sipped the liquid of the soup without taking any food. She refused to eat the turkey sandwich right now. Later she did eat the sandwich, so I rewarded that with ice cream.
She said she didnt want to go to church with me. Fine, I suspected some plot. But then I realized she needs time away from me just as I need time away from her.
I got Mom her favorite breakfast at McDonald's. She seemed grateful. Then she slept from about 11am to 230pm. When she woke up, she seemed resentful. Maybe it was because I was not enthusiastic about looking at her old pictures, which she has shown me so many times.
She has gone out walking, without me. She didn't even ask if I want to come. I am wondering if she is walking off the apartment property by herself. I expect her to do that today or some day.
She seems moody but I know her eating habits cause this, at least to some degree. I wonder how she'll be when she gets back.
She is back, sitting on the steps outside the apt. She is by herself, still looking moody with her lower lip stuck out. She does this when she is being defensive.
I wonder if my not being enthusiastic about her pictures triggered this. I think she might be forming some thing in her head. Maybe the desire for isolation is her kind of death, her kind of suicide.
After thinking about this, I wonder if my way of living has to do with going on to tomorrow and her way of living does not. I suppose she only has the feeling of today. Tomorrow is Sunday. I wonder if she will want to go to church tomorrow. This mood might last longer than this afternoon.
It is a few hours later. I went to a restaurant to get her dinner. She sipped the liquid of the soup without taking any food. She refused to eat the turkey sandwich right now. Later she did eat the sandwich, so I rewarded that with ice cream.
She said she didnt want to go to church with me. Fine, I suspected some plot. But then I realized she needs time away from me just as I need time away from her.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--36
That night, she went to sleep without watching tv all night and this morning, as I am writing this, she got up early and took her own breakfast. With that nutrition in her body from last night, she knew what day it was. I hope that makes an impression on her.
I hope this lasts.
Her girlfriends are coming over in 2 hours to take Mom out to lunch. After two hours, Mom is back from the Olive Garden and I am back from the internet and exercise room. Mom is watching tv and I am pleased as to how this has gone. She had a good time with the girls, she may take a nap this afternoon.
She did take a nap. We went to Barnes & Noble for a smoothie. The day has gone quickly. We watched tv, Mom ate a small sandwich--not enough--but with the smoothie filling her up maybe that's all I can hope for.
It is around 9pm at night. She is fiddling with the bed sheets, her usual nighttime ritual. She wants me to bring all my clothes inside from the garage to go in a dresser my Dad had. She believes she will go on for another few years. I don't know. She still talks about driving the car, even though I will not let her. She cannot see well enough to pay her own bills. Still, she is easier to get along with than so many her age.
If she goes on, it may be in a wheelchair. If she lives on, I don't know how long she can feed herself and even know who she is. She might be living, but she will never be independant again.
Now, my mother is going to bed. That means going from the tv room to the bedroom. Usually this is my time to talk to God, to write these posts, to wonder about what is going to happen. I think I will have to quit my job on Monday--this is Friday.
I wonder how long we will go on like this. When I say that, I am really saying to God, I'd like an end to this. I'd like to see where this is going. Still, living here like this is very comfortable for me, it's a perfect retirement. I may never have it so good. So I wonder how long this will go on. I wish I had something to do with this time other than watch my mother.
All of these thoughts come and go; I hope God doesn't take any action on them!
That night, she went to sleep without watching tv all night and this morning, as I am writing this, she got up early and took her own breakfast. With that nutrition in her body from last night, she knew what day it was. I hope that makes an impression on her.
I hope this lasts.
Her girlfriends are coming over in 2 hours to take Mom out to lunch. After two hours, Mom is back from the Olive Garden and I am back from the internet and exercise room. Mom is watching tv and I am pleased as to how this has gone. She had a good time with the girls, she may take a nap this afternoon.
She did take a nap. We went to Barnes & Noble for a smoothie. The day has gone quickly. We watched tv, Mom ate a small sandwich--not enough--but with the smoothie filling her up maybe that's all I can hope for.
It is around 9pm at night. She is fiddling with the bed sheets, her usual nighttime ritual. She wants me to bring all my clothes inside from the garage to go in a dresser my Dad had. She believes she will go on for another few years. I don't know. She still talks about driving the car, even though I will not let her. She cannot see well enough to pay her own bills. Still, she is easier to get along with than so many her age.
If she goes on, it may be in a wheelchair. If she lives on, I don't know how long she can feed herself and even know who she is. She might be living, but she will never be independant again.
Now, my mother is going to bed. That means going from the tv room to the bedroom. Usually this is my time to talk to God, to write these posts, to wonder about what is going to happen. I think I will have to quit my job on Monday--this is Friday.
I wonder how long we will go on like this. When I say that, I am really saying to God, I'd like an end to this. I'd like to see where this is going. Still, living here like this is very comfortable for me, it's a perfect retirement. I may never have it so good. So I wonder how long this will go on. I wish I had something to do with this time other than watch my mother.
All of these thoughts come and go; I hope God doesn't take any action on them!
Sunday, April 7, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--35
Yesterday was very good and very bad. First the bad.
Mom was refusing to eat food. After she had her afternoon delight of chocolate, I was a bit mad at her. It came out.
She said she was going to drive again, so I reminded her forcefully that she had nearly hit a man with the car. I don't know if this was Mom rationally thinking she could drive, or a bit of dementia making her forget what she'd done, but I was mad at her.
So I said she was saying those things to get away from me. She didn't hear the words I said, she heard her own feelings, her own reaction to what I said. She said I had claimed she didn't love me, and that made her cry. I knew the crying was one of her 'drama queen' acts, so I said nothing but to deny what she thought I said.
I told her I needed to get away from her once in a while, which to her is incomprehensible. So she tried to assuage her feelings by making my bed and thinking I need my own dresser in our bedroom. Well, there is no room in our bedroom for a cat, much less any more furniture.
So we walked around each other for a while, neither of us saying a thing. Then she came to where I was and sat for a long time, talking unemotionally about this and that. I've said before my mother is good at forgiving and forgetting and that was what she was doing. So I decided to try to do the same thing.
She sat there a few hours, then she laid down on the sofa while I played some classical music on my laptop. It was our way of making up. Finally, she did what I didn't expect her to do.
She actually ate meatloaf and a potato for dinner! This was the first real cooked dinner she's had in a month. When she cooked it herself, I realized I had gotten through to her about eating real food, not sweets. So I went into the kitchen to sit with her, as a gesture of approval and agreement. Actually I was proud of her for responding to what I'd been saying about her eating.
Yesterday was very good and very bad. First the bad.
Mom was refusing to eat food. After she had her afternoon delight of chocolate, I was a bit mad at her. It came out.
She said she was going to drive again, so I reminded her forcefully that she had nearly hit a man with the car. I don't know if this was Mom rationally thinking she could drive, or a bit of dementia making her forget what she'd done, but I was mad at her.
So I said she was saying those things to get away from me. She didn't hear the words I said, she heard her own feelings, her own reaction to what I said. She said I had claimed she didn't love me, and that made her cry. I knew the crying was one of her 'drama queen' acts, so I said nothing but to deny what she thought I said.
I told her I needed to get away from her once in a while, which to her is incomprehensible. So she tried to assuage her feelings by making my bed and thinking I need my own dresser in our bedroom. Well, there is no room in our bedroom for a cat, much less any more furniture.
So we walked around each other for a while, neither of us saying a thing. Then she came to where I was and sat for a long time, talking unemotionally about this and that. I've said before my mother is good at forgiving and forgetting and that was what she was doing. So I decided to try to do the same thing.
She sat there a few hours, then she laid down on the sofa while I played some classical music on my laptop. It was our way of making up. Finally, she did what I didn't expect her to do.
She actually ate meatloaf and a potato for dinner! This was the first real cooked dinner she's had in a month. When she cooked it herself, I realized I had gotten through to her about eating real food, not sweets. So I went into the kitchen to sit with her, as a gesture of approval and agreement. Actually I was proud of her for responding to what I'd been saying about her eating.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--34
Today is Thursday, when my mother has one of her appointments to get her hair done. Her hair lasts one day, then it falls apart when she sleeps on it. But this is one of her times to be waited on by someone else, it's a pleasure for her. Unfortunately, the hair shop has moved 15 miles away, in a high-crime neighborhood.
She usually forgets what day it is, so we will see if she remembers. I hope she had a good visit with Jack and the grandkids yesterday.
I don't know how Mom is going to eat and get along today. I hope she does eat breakfast but I think she will use the hair appointment to avoid eating. I'm not going to fight her on this any more. Whatever happens to her will just have to happen.
It is 915am and she is not up. That is normal. I'm at the laptop in a quiet apartment. I don't know what this day will bring but I have prayed for my mother and myself.
+++
She got up in time for breakfast, which was good with a full glass of milk. That was hopeful but it didn't last long.
We went to her hair place, and on our way back Mom asked me to stop for lunch. She said I could choose it; I knew that was not the truth. I stopped at Boston Market. She ate practically nothing, so she took a piece of apple pie, hoping for the sugar. The pie was so bad, she didn't finish it. So she had me run to the bank while she stayed in her apartment to get to her secret stash of chocolate while I was away.
I knew this was what she was doing, but I've decided to stop arguing with her and just let her eat her chocolate and sweets until she collapses again. I'm not going to stuff her throat with good food. Maybe a retirement home employee would or a hospice would but I'm not qualified to do that. I'll just let her eat what she does.
She has slept the afternoon away, which is what she does when there is no nutrition in her blood. She has no energy for anything but laying on her sofa asleep.
Today is Thursday, when my mother has one of her appointments to get her hair done. Her hair lasts one day, then it falls apart when she sleeps on it. But this is one of her times to be waited on by someone else, it's a pleasure for her. Unfortunately, the hair shop has moved 15 miles away, in a high-crime neighborhood.
She usually forgets what day it is, so we will see if she remembers. I hope she had a good visit with Jack and the grandkids yesterday.
I don't know how Mom is going to eat and get along today. I hope she does eat breakfast but I think she will use the hair appointment to avoid eating. I'm not going to fight her on this any more. Whatever happens to her will just have to happen.
It is 915am and she is not up. That is normal. I'm at the laptop in a quiet apartment. I don't know what this day will bring but I have prayed for my mother and myself.
+++
She got up in time for breakfast, which was good with a full glass of milk. That was hopeful but it didn't last long.
We went to her hair place, and on our way back Mom asked me to stop for lunch. She said I could choose it; I knew that was not the truth. I stopped at Boston Market. She ate practically nothing, so she took a piece of apple pie, hoping for the sugar. The pie was so bad, she didn't finish it. So she had me run to the bank while she stayed in her apartment to get to her secret stash of chocolate while I was away.
I knew this was what she was doing, but I've decided to stop arguing with her and just let her eat her chocolate and sweets until she collapses again. I'm not going to stuff her throat with good food. Maybe a retirement home employee would or a hospice would but I'm not qualified to do that. I'll just let her eat what she does.
She has slept the afternoon away, which is what she does when there is no nutrition in her blood. She has no energy for anything but laying on her sofa asleep.
Friday, April 5, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--33
Mom decided to make an angel food cake for my Bible study. I thought it was silly, as if I or she owed the group anything. But then an email from my sister Nancy convinced me that this would be a good project for Mom.
So she couldn't find her cookbook. I went to WalMart to get some ingredients and search the internet for a recipe. I found one and Mom is in the kitchen acting like she was 30 years younger. This gives her something to do, and that has been missing in her life for the last few years.
She has the radio on a top-40 station, she's cracking eggs, pouring extract, twirling flour in a bowl and doing what she probably did 50 years ago. I think she might be happy. But what is extract of tartar? You know how hard it is to find that? It was like finding Dr. Livingstone in the jungle. But with the help of two employees I found it.
The angel food cake was a fiasco. It tasted like lemony sheetrock. It fell and I'm glad. I put too much cream of tartar in it. The cream burst through the top of the cake like a volcano erupting.
Then Mom was tired of being with me. When she tires of my matter-of-fact ways, she does things to offend me intentionally. It's her way of shoving me away. So we disagreed about whether she could drive her car. So I said, 'Fine. Drive it, see if you can.'
She drove, with me in the passenger seat. She nearly broke some guy's leg. That convinced her that she cannot drive any more. We did not speak for a couple of hours. Then Mom realized she had not done the right thing, so gradually we made up. We walked around the apartment property, grudgingly talking out our desire to get along and forgive.
She admitted that she should have listened to me and I said it was all right, just another day in Paradise. My brother's daughter and granddaughter are coming over in an hour. This is just what Mom needs. I need to back out of her day.
Tonight is my Bible study and I need it to get away.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--32
Mom stayed in bed longer than she should have. I criticized her for this, harshly. So I backed out of the room, leaving the light on, thinking maybe I should have been easier. I probably should be.
So after going to WalMart I stayed out of the kitchen. She came in the kitchen, ate the cereal we eat every day by herself. I must say in her defense, my mother does not hold grudges. She probably should, but she forgives as easily as anyone I know.
So when she ate well, I brought some fruit and apple juice for lunch. We had chicken strips, swiss cheese and apple juice. She ate well, as if this morning's disagreement hadn't happened. I can learn a lot from the way she conducted herself.
It is this afternoon; I went to the exercise room for an hour. She is asleep now as it is 125pm. I will not go to work this week, but next Monday I will have to decide whether to tell my employer I am retiring. I really don't like the company, but I do need to work.
This winter in Dallas, the weather has been remarkably nice. Cool, about 50 degrees, windy as usual, but certainly not cold. I sat outside by the pool, feeling the cool breeze, hearing the waterfall by the pool, relaxing.
When I came back, Mom was awake. She said she wanted to get on the stationary bicycle, although she's said this before. I gave her a vanilla cookie just for having a positive attitude and so she won't have to try to sneak cookies by me.
Then an hour later, she did get on the stationary bicycle--! For about 15 minutes. I offered her one of her favorite chocolate cookies--and she turned it down--! Now this is progress.
We had a good dinner, a good day.
Yesterday was a good enough day to make me think through my decision to retire. I'd like to have the money I was earning, but that would mean leaving Mom alone for 8 hours.
I don't want to go back to the same company I was with before. The work is boring, and it is far from where I now live. But I'd like to work. So I have to decide if I can leave Mom alone 5 days a week, for 8 hours.
My brother wants me to retire, to stay here so we don't have to move Mom to a retirement home. Moving her would mean moving all of her furniture, possessions, etc., moving her, and then me getting a job and an apartment. It would mean considerable stress on him and me, considerable dislocation, all kinds of talk between him and his wife. He has three difficult daughters to deal with, already.
But I'm 63 years old, not easy to get another job. Maybe I could strike it rich in the lottery. If I decide to retire I'll have to put the word out to my friends that I am not working, something might come up.
Right now I am spending more time away from Mom than I usually do. I have been to the bank, to get the car inspected, and the bookstore. Mom got up reluctantly at 10am. She did eat breakfast by herself and now she is laying on her sofa chair, maybe sleeping now that I am not there or watching tv about the pope.
I should be back with her around 1am. I don't know if this is a trend toward spending more time away from her, or this is just an exception. I have to admit I do like this not-having-a-job, living in the rich part of town, doing these errands for both of us. It's like being retired. But how long will this last? And when do I get bored?
Mom stayed in bed longer than she should have. I criticized her for this, harshly. So I backed out of the room, leaving the light on, thinking maybe I should have been easier. I probably should be.
So after going to WalMart I stayed out of the kitchen. She came in the kitchen, ate the cereal we eat every day by herself. I must say in her defense, my mother does not hold grudges. She probably should, but she forgives as easily as anyone I know.
So when she ate well, I brought some fruit and apple juice for lunch. We had chicken strips, swiss cheese and apple juice. She ate well, as if this morning's disagreement hadn't happened. I can learn a lot from the way she conducted herself.
It is this afternoon; I went to the exercise room for an hour. She is asleep now as it is 125pm. I will not go to work this week, but next Monday I will have to decide whether to tell my employer I am retiring. I really don't like the company, but I do need to work.
This winter in Dallas, the weather has been remarkably nice. Cool, about 50 degrees, windy as usual, but certainly not cold. I sat outside by the pool, feeling the cool breeze, hearing the waterfall by the pool, relaxing.
When I came back, Mom was awake. She said she wanted to get on the stationary bicycle, although she's said this before. I gave her a vanilla cookie just for having a positive attitude and so she won't have to try to sneak cookies by me.
Then an hour later, she did get on the stationary bicycle--! For about 15 minutes. I offered her one of her favorite chocolate cookies--and she turned it down--! Now this is progress.
We had a good dinner, a good day.
Yesterday was a good enough day to make me think through my decision to retire. I'd like to have the money I was earning, but that would mean leaving Mom alone for 8 hours.
I don't want to go back to the same company I was with before. The work is boring, and it is far from where I now live. But I'd like to work. So I have to decide if I can leave Mom alone 5 days a week, for 8 hours.
My brother wants me to retire, to stay here so we don't have to move Mom to a retirement home. Moving her would mean moving all of her furniture, possessions, etc., moving her, and then me getting a job and an apartment. It would mean considerable stress on him and me, considerable dislocation, all kinds of talk between him and his wife. He has three difficult daughters to deal with, already.
But I'm 63 years old, not easy to get another job. Maybe I could strike it rich in the lottery. If I decide to retire I'll have to put the word out to my friends that I am not working, something might come up.
Right now I am spending more time away from Mom than I usually do. I have been to the bank, to get the car inspected, and the bookstore. Mom got up reluctantly at 10am. She did eat breakfast by herself and now she is laying on her sofa chair, maybe sleeping now that I am not there or watching tv about the pope.
I should be back with her around 1am. I don't know if this is a trend toward spending more time away from her, or this is just an exception. I have to admit I do like this not-having-a-job, living in the rich part of town, doing these errands for both of us. It's like being retired. But how long will this last? And when do I get bored?
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