COMING TOGETHER--70
Now it is Memorial Day Weekend. We have had a good time. No conflicts, Mom and I have been eating well, doing our duties and relating much better. I have been reading to Mom, she likes that because it is so hard for her to read herself.
I've been reading a novel called Princess Elizabeth's Spy, a spy novel set in WWII, about a young female spy. I've started reading to Mom, The Big Sleep, by Raymond Chandler. He used to live in LaJolla CA where Mom and Dad lived 30 years ago. I even read her part of my novel about Dad's life in WWII. She didn't know I wrote that. I think she was favorably impressed.
This is a sign that she is able and willing to do less than before, but it also means she has accepted she can do less than 6 months ago. I have to accept that, too. I can't push her beyond the limits of a 92 year old woman who can barely walk. I'm grateful she can feed herself and dress herself, so I have to remember to not be too impatient about how slow she is.
Mom's daughter Nancy and her husband Lamar have grandchildren. They sent me a video through the email, which I showed Mom. She smiled through the whole 4 minute video, in fact, she wanted to see it 3 times.
I am working more than I have in two months, maybe that's good but my job of working all night--8pm to 4am--is boring and drudgery. I'd like to do something better but the job fits my life with Mom so well I won't give up the job just for money.
Anyway, we go on. We don't have any answers to life, they are not coming. We just go on living, more out of default than anything else. The alternative to living is just a nothing. Not a black hole sucking us in, not a destination out there, not a fear scaring us into retreating into the past, just a nothing.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Thursday, May 23, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--69
Today Mom and I went to our favorite place, The Egg and I. Mom stuffed herself so much I asked the waitress for a wheelbarrow to get her into the car. The waitress laughed, Mom did, too.
Now we are home. She is in her chair, about to hit dreamland full of food. I told her she is at the point that her taste exceeds her body. She wants to taste more than she can handle. She agreed, which was gratifying. She knows what I have to tell her, that it's better to eat good food than food that just tastes good.
I once heard a nutritional doctor say, If it tastes good, it's not good for you. Maybe an exaggeration but still it's true.
So I called my brother to ask him to call Mom, 'Tubby.' I hope he does!
I have to go to work overnight for the next 5 days. This is a first step toward spending less time with Mom than I have. We may be heading toward a different arrangement than the dependency she's had toward me. I hope this is the case, as I'd like to have a girlfriend.
Now it is Thursday morning, Mom is still asleep. She has had to sleep in her easy chair because she has little bladder control. This may be a bad sign, or it may not. I'll just have to ask the doctor or his head nurse, Amanda.
Today Mom and I went to our favorite place, The Egg and I. Mom stuffed herself so much I asked the waitress for a wheelbarrow to get her into the car. The waitress laughed, Mom did, too.
Now we are home. She is in her chair, about to hit dreamland full of food. I told her she is at the point that her taste exceeds her body. She wants to taste more than she can handle. She agreed, which was gratifying. She knows what I have to tell her, that it's better to eat good food than food that just tastes good.
I once heard a nutritional doctor say, If it tastes good, it's not good for you. Maybe an exaggeration but still it's true.
So I called my brother to ask him to call Mom, 'Tubby.' I hope he does!
I have to go to work overnight for the next 5 days. This is a first step toward spending less time with Mom than I have. We may be heading toward a different arrangement than the dependency she's had toward me. I hope this is the case, as I'd like to have a girlfriend.
Now it is Thursday morning, Mom is still asleep. She has had to sleep in her easy chair because she has little bladder control. This may be a bad sign, or it may not. I'll just have to ask the doctor or his head nurse, Amanda.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
COMING TOGETHER --68
It is Monday afternoon. I don't work today, so I bought a couple of videos to watch. We did and then Mom wanted steak so I went for Steak and Shake. I wonder if all this meat is helping or not, but she eats all of it. I had a big chicken salad, a lot of food for me.
Now we are spending the afternoon doing a certain amount of nothing. It is warm and windy outside with predictions of storms and hail. Both of us have slept this afternoon.
Mom panicked, injecting fear into her mind more and more. She was getting out of control, even putting blankets in the bathroom. She tried to tell me that one bathroom was safer than the other in case of a tornado. I got mad at her, telling her if a tornado hit I was taking her out of the apartment. It didn't matter about any bathroom, we would leave. She got confronted by that. I think she hated me for that. I was disgusted with her and these infantile fears she manufactures.
Then she started watching the weather on the tv, over and over, until her level of fear disgusted me. I went into her tv room to get a book I had been reading to her. She thought I was going to read to her, so I refused to read to her unless she turned off the tv.
She did that. So I read, and by the time I finished she had forgotten about the storms outside. The book was about WWII and a fictional female character who becomes a spy, so I think it enabled her to escape the present weather and live in the past, which she likes. She really likes England.
Then, when I stopped reading she had forgotten any weather. I checked the Ranger score, then we watched a special on tv about Mel Brooks. She didn't really laugh, even though Mel was funny. I think she was too full of water and dinner to really laugh but I knew she was no longer scared of the weather.
Now Mom is watching a tv special about the early days of television and comediennes. She is now laughing at Carol Burnett and Lucille Ball. It is nearly 10pm, time for Mom to slosh her way to bed.
It is Monday afternoon. I don't work today, so I bought a couple of videos to watch. We did and then Mom wanted steak so I went for Steak and Shake. I wonder if all this meat is helping or not, but she eats all of it. I had a big chicken salad, a lot of food for me.
Now we are spending the afternoon doing a certain amount of nothing. It is warm and windy outside with predictions of storms and hail. Both of us have slept this afternoon.
Mom panicked, injecting fear into her mind more and more. She was getting out of control, even putting blankets in the bathroom. She tried to tell me that one bathroom was safer than the other in case of a tornado. I got mad at her, telling her if a tornado hit I was taking her out of the apartment. It didn't matter about any bathroom, we would leave. She got confronted by that. I think she hated me for that. I was disgusted with her and these infantile fears she manufactures.
Then she started watching the weather on the tv, over and over, until her level of fear disgusted me. I went into her tv room to get a book I had been reading to her. She thought I was going to read to her, so I refused to read to her unless she turned off the tv.
She did that. So I read, and by the time I finished she had forgotten about the storms outside. The book was about WWII and a fictional female character who becomes a spy, so I think it enabled her to escape the present weather and live in the past, which she likes. She really likes England.
Then, when I stopped reading she had forgotten any weather. I checked the Ranger score, then we watched a special on tv about Mel Brooks. She didn't really laugh, even though Mel was funny. I think she was too full of water and dinner to really laugh but I knew she was no longer scared of the weather.
Now Mom is watching a tv special about the early days of television and comediennes. She is now laughing at Carol Burnett and Lucille Ball. It is nearly 10pm, time for Mom to slosh her way to bed.
Monday, May 20, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--67
This afternoon Mom was telling me about her father. He was a banker in rural Missouri during the depression and later. He worked all day at the bank, then came home to take care of his invalid mother, my grandmother. He would do everything for her, after a full day at the bank. He had no life of his own. My mother grew up with that as the example for her.
I have wondered about the effect of that on her and in our family.
It does make me resent her. I wonder if she is using me to do what her father was willing to do. I have no desire to be that kind of man for her, as her father was.
I am realizing what a nothing life I have had. I never had a career, never had a family or a real wife--although I was married for 4 years--never had a household of children.
If I take after my grandfather, I have had no family to give me any kind of satisfaction in exchange for the labor, the social slavery he went through. I hope to God I have not passed that along to my daughters.
My life is fragile in the sense that it depends so much on my mother being alive, living as well as she does. I often think about what it would be like if my mother were not alive or not living on her own with me. I don't have a good enough job to live by myself, unless she dies and I have my inheritance. I am trapped by her, by the life she has with me, by these family patterns. It feels like a curse has been sent down from my
grandfather through my mother to me.
I'd like to get out of it but I have no life to go to then. It's like having a bad relationship is the only thing better than having none at all. So I stay in this prison I'm in because I would have no life outside of it.
This afternoon Mom was telling me about her father. He was a banker in rural Missouri during the depression and later. He worked all day at the bank, then came home to take care of his invalid mother, my grandmother. He would do everything for her, after a full day at the bank. He had no life of his own. My mother grew up with that as the example for her.
I have wondered about the effect of that on her and in our family.
It does make me resent her. I wonder if she is using me to do what her father was willing to do. I have no desire to be that kind of man for her, as her father was.
I am realizing what a nothing life I have had. I never had a career, never had a family or a real wife--although I was married for 4 years--never had a household of children.
If I take after my grandfather, I have had no family to give me any kind of satisfaction in exchange for the labor, the social slavery he went through. I hope to God I have not passed that along to my daughters.
My life is fragile in the sense that it depends so much on my mother being alive, living as well as she does. I often think about what it would be like if my mother were not alive or not living on her own with me. I don't have a good enough job to live by myself, unless she dies and I have my inheritance. I am trapped by her, by the life she has with me, by these family patterns. It feels like a curse has been sent down from my
grandfather through my mother to me.
I'd like to get out of it but I have no life to go to then. It's like having a bad relationship is the only thing better than having none at all. So I stay in this prison I'm in because I would have no life outside of it.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--66
We have come back from Kovoor's blood tests, and they look good. Mom's white and red blood count was good. Kovoor did not say her blood was anemic--good sign.
But Mom has lost 8 pounds since her last visit, 4 months ago. I discussed this with Kovoor, and he did not seem alarmed. That's probably good. I told him about her collapse and gradual recovery. That seemed to match up with what he has observed; he told me that twice.
The full blood test results will not come in until tomorrow. I will call his nurse Amanda at noon. I expect good results.
We went to Steak and Shake, which is becoming Mom's place of taste. It's good she likes steak but I wish she had eaten the lettuce and tomato. Still it's better than greasy fast food. Anyway, a good day overall if the weight loss is not indicative of anything.
I can tell she is doing better because she usually sleeps with her mouth wide open, like a flounder on the beach napping till the tide comes in. Now she is sleeping with her mouth closed because she has plenty of oxygen in her blood.
Now it is Friday. Mom has eaten well, she is eating on schedule by herself. I am getting away from her in the early morning and Mom is getting up and getting into breakfast by herself. This is a good sign, if I want to get a better job or a day job. I am waiting for word from Dr. Kovoor's nurse about Mom's blood.
Things seem to be going well all around. Rangers won, the bad weather has gone, Mom is all right. She is losing weight, she doesn't have the energy she once did, but she is aging at 92 1/2 years old. So maybe this is the way it is.
Mom wanted to go to Steak and Shake for the steak burger because she likes the taste. I tried to get her to eat just a bite or two of lettuce, which she refused. She knows I don't like it when she refuses to eat what's good for her. We are not speaking this afternoon. She is in her room, on her chair, doing nothing in particular. I am in this room, typing away, waiting to go to work. I have to wait until around 5 or 6 pm to leave. I'd like to leave right now, just to get away from her but that is not possible. So we have this stiff-necked truce, kind of like Lucy and Desi putting a clothesline down the middle of the living room because they are not speaking.
This will not go on forever, we live together so we cannot keep this up. I have lost the battle over food, she has won.
We have come back from Kovoor's blood tests, and they look good. Mom's white and red blood count was good. Kovoor did not say her blood was anemic--good sign.
But Mom has lost 8 pounds since her last visit, 4 months ago. I discussed this with Kovoor, and he did not seem alarmed. That's probably good. I told him about her collapse and gradual recovery. That seemed to match up with what he has observed; he told me that twice.
The full blood test results will not come in until tomorrow. I will call his nurse Amanda at noon. I expect good results.
We went to Steak and Shake, which is becoming Mom's place of taste. It's good she likes steak but I wish she had eaten the lettuce and tomato. Still it's better than greasy fast food. Anyway, a good day overall if the weight loss is not indicative of anything.
I can tell she is doing better because she usually sleeps with her mouth wide open, like a flounder on the beach napping till the tide comes in. Now she is sleeping with her mouth closed because she has plenty of oxygen in her blood.
Now it is Friday. Mom has eaten well, she is eating on schedule by herself. I am getting away from her in the early morning and Mom is getting up and getting into breakfast by herself. This is a good sign, if I want to get a better job or a day job. I am waiting for word from Dr. Kovoor's nurse about Mom's blood.
Things seem to be going well all around. Rangers won, the bad weather has gone, Mom is all right. She is losing weight, she doesn't have the energy she once did, but she is aging at 92 1/2 years old. So maybe this is the way it is.
Mom wanted to go to Steak and Shake for the steak burger because she likes the taste. I tried to get her to eat just a bite or two of lettuce, which she refused. She knows I don't like it when she refuses to eat what's good for her. We are not speaking this afternoon. She is in her room, on her chair, doing nothing in particular. I am in this room, typing away, waiting to go to work. I have to wait until around 5 or 6 pm to leave. I'd like to leave right now, just to get away from her but that is not possible. So we have this stiff-necked truce, kind of like Lucy and Desi putting a clothesline down the middle of the living room because they are not speaking.
This will not go on forever, we live together so we cannot keep this up. I have lost the battle over food, she has won.
Friday, May 17, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--65
This is Monday. I decided to leave the apartment for the golf driving range, leaving the apartment for 2 hours. I wanted to get away from Mom, and I wanted to force her to do for herself. When I returned, she was eating breakfast herself. This was gratifying. We ate together, which encourages her. She has an aversion to eating alone.
I think she feels more alone than when she was alone. It's become something she feels like you feel heat or cold. So I sit with her, even if I don't eat or drink anything.
I am thinking about this because her disposition has improved so much in the last few weeks. Maybe I say this because I don't fear it when she misses a meal or doesn't eat as much as a younger person. Maybe my being less anxious about Mom's health has relaxed her, too.
We both have adjusted to each other's differing ways. I have learned how much nerves plays in health. To be able to do something without anxiety or self condemnation seems to contribute to health. Maybe health is 90% looking at yourself without incrimination.
Mom is losing weight. In an older person this is usually fatal. When your body can no longer reproduce cells, usually the end is in sight. I have not spoken to her about this, and I will not. Her loss of weight might be temporary or it might be a long slope down.
Tomorrow, I take my mother to one of her doctors. This is Dr. Kovoor, who is monitoring her blood after a cancer treatment. They test her blood for cancer cells,, but don't do anything else. Often her blood is anemic, but I don't think it will be tomorrow.
I think my mother is attracted to Kovoor's soft manners. I don't think he does anything for her but monitor her blood for cancer cells. But this is a big social event for Mom. He makes her feel taken care of, and my mother loves to be waited on.
This is Monday. I decided to leave the apartment for the golf driving range, leaving the apartment for 2 hours. I wanted to get away from Mom, and I wanted to force her to do for herself. When I returned, she was eating breakfast herself. This was gratifying. We ate together, which encourages her. She has an aversion to eating alone.
I think she feels more alone than when she was alone. It's become something she feels like you feel heat or cold. So I sit with her, even if I don't eat or drink anything.
I am thinking about this because her disposition has improved so much in the last few weeks. Maybe I say this because I don't fear it when she misses a meal or doesn't eat as much as a younger person. Maybe my being less anxious about Mom's health has relaxed her, too.
We both have adjusted to each other's differing ways. I have learned how much nerves plays in health. To be able to do something without anxiety or self condemnation seems to contribute to health. Maybe health is 90% looking at yourself without incrimination.
Mom is losing weight. In an older person this is usually fatal. When your body can no longer reproduce cells, usually the end is in sight. I have not spoken to her about this, and I will not. Her loss of weight might be temporary or it might be a long slope down.
Tomorrow, I take my mother to one of her doctors. This is Dr. Kovoor, who is monitoring her blood after a cancer treatment. They test her blood for cancer cells,, but don't do anything else. Often her blood is anemic, but I don't think it will be tomorrow.
I think my mother is attracted to Kovoor's soft manners. I don't think he does anything for her but monitor her blood for cancer cells. But this is a big social event for Mom. He makes her feel taken care of, and my mother loves to be waited on.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--64
As of Sunday morning, April never came. I was crushed in heart. I wanted so to see her, to have things between us be as good as they once were. I had to accept the fact that they never will be what they were 20 years ago. So I went to bed without being able to sleep right away. My emotions would not let me just sleep.
I wanted someone to resent, someone to blame but there is no one. So eventually I did fall asleep, without peace.
When I woke up, I knew I was going to church before April came for Mom. I knew it would be another time of not seeing my own daughter. But I have no choice. So I went to church. It was as if God paid me back some, because at church I received some attention from several other people. This is probably what church is supposed to be. And it did help me put my disappointment over not seeing April in some sort of perspective.
The pain lessened--for a time.
I came back from church to an empty apartment--a kind of relief. I got some sleep, then woke to go to the apartment exercise room. Then I came back and Mom arrived with my brother.
Phil was sick, so he didn't stay. Mom told me about the time she'd had. Ive noticed that when she comes back after being away from me for a time, I resent having to deal with her again. But we accomodated each other. April liked the gifts I gave her. That was gratifying to me. Mom told me she had told everyone how I have been taking care of her, and that was gratifying to her, also.
As of Sunday morning, April never came. I was crushed in heart. I wanted so to see her, to have things between us be as good as they once were. I had to accept the fact that they never will be what they were 20 years ago. So I went to bed without being able to sleep right away. My emotions would not let me just sleep.
I wanted someone to resent, someone to blame but there is no one. So eventually I did fall asleep, without peace.
When I woke up, I knew I was going to church before April came for Mom. I knew it would be another time of not seeing my own daughter. But I have no choice. So I went to church. It was as if God paid me back some, because at church I received some attention from several other people. This is probably what church is supposed to be. And it did help me put my disappointment over not seeing April in some sort of perspective.
The pain lessened--for a time.
I came back from church to an empty apartment--a kind of relief. I got some sleep, then woke to go to the apartment exercise room. Then I came back and Mom arrived with my brother.
Phil was sick, so he didn't stay. Mom told me about the time she'd had. Ive noticed that when she comes back after being away from me for a time, I resent having to deal with her again. But we accomodated each other. April liked the gifts I gave her. That was gratifying to me. Mom told me she had told everyone how I have been taking care of her, and that was gratifying to her, also.
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