COMING TOGETHER--67
This afternoon Mom was telling me about her father. He was a banker in rural Missouri during the depression and later. He worked all day at the bank, then came home to take care of his invalid mother, my grandmother. He would do everything for her, after a full day at the bank. He had no life of his own. My mother grew up with that as the example for her.
I have wondered about the effect of that on her and in our family.
It does make me resent her. I wonder if she is using me to do what her father was willing to do. I have no desire to be that kind of man for her, as her father was.
I am realizing what a nothing life I have had. I never had a career, never had a family or a real wife--although I was married for 4 years--never had a household of children.
If I take after my grandfather, I have had no family to give me any kind of satisfaction in exchange for the labor, the social slavery he went through. I hope to God I have not passed that along to my daughters.
My life is fragile in the sense that it depends so much on my mother being alive, living as well as she does. I often think about what it would be like if my mother were not alive or not living on her own with me. I don't have a good enough job to live by myself, unless she dies and I have my inheritance. I am trapped by her, by the life she has with me, by these family patterns. It feels like a curse has been sent down from my
grandfather through my mother to me.
I'd like to get out of it but I have no life to go to then. It's like having a bad relationship is the only thing better than having none at all. So I stay in this prison I'm in because I would have no life outside of it.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Sunday, May 19, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--66
We have come back from Kovoor's blood tests, and they look good. Mom's white and red blood count was good. Kovoor did not say her blood was anemic--good sign.
But Mom has lost 8 pounds since her last visit, 4 months ago. I discussed this with Kovoor, and he did not seem alarmed. That's probably good. I told him about her collapse and gradual recovery. That seemed to match up with what he has observed; he told me that twice.
The full blood test results will not come in until tomorrow. I will call his nurse Amanda at noon. I expect good results.
We went to Steak and Shake, which is becoming Mom's place of taste. It's good she likes steak but I wish she had eaten the lettuce and tomato. Still it's better than greasy fast food. Anyway, a good day overall if the weight loss is not indicative of anything.
I can tell she is doing better because she usually sleeps with her mouth wide open, like a flounder on the beach napping till the tide comes in. Now she is sleeping with her mouth closed because she has plenty of oxygen in her blood.
Now it is Friday. Mom has eaten well, she is eating on schedule by herself. I am getting away from her in the early morning and Mom is getting up and getting into breakfast by herself. This is a good sign, if I want to get a better job or a day job. I am waiting for word from Dr. Kovoor's nurse about Mom's blood.
Things seem to be going well all around. Rangers won, the bad weather has gone, Mom is all right. She is losing weight, she doesn't have the energy she once did, but she is aging at 92 1/2 years old. So maybe this is the way it is.
Mom wanted to go to Steak and Shake for the steak burger because she likes the taste. I tried to get her to eat just a bite or two of lettuce, which she refused. She knows I don't like it when she refuses to eat what's good for her. We are not speaking this afternoon. She is in her room, on her chair, doing nothing in particular. I am in this room, typing away, waiting to go to work. I have to wait until around 5 or 6 pm to leave. I'd like to leave right now, just to get away from her but that is not possible. So we have this stiff-necked truce, kind of like Lucy and Desi putting a clothesline down the middle of the living room because they are not speaking.
This will not go on forever, we live together so we cannot keep this up. I have lost the battle over food, she has won.
We have come back from Kovoor's blood tests, and they look good. Mom's white and red blood count was good. Kovoor did not say her blood was anemic--good sign.
But Mom has lost 8 pounds since her last visit, 4 months ago. I discussed this with Kovoor, and he did not seem alarmed. That's probably good. I told him about her collapse and gradual recovery. That seemed to match up with what he has observed; he told me that twice.
The full blood test results will not come in until tomorrow. I will call his nurse Amanda at noon. I expect good results.
We went to Steak and Shake, which is becoming Mom's place of taste. It's good she likes steak but I wish she had eaten the lettuce and tomato. Still it's better than greasy fast food. Anyway, a good day overall if the weight loss is not indicative of anything.
I can tell she is doing better because she usually sleeps with her mouth wide open, like a flounder on the beach napping till the tide comes in. Now she is sleeping with her mouth closed because she has plenty of oxygen in her blood.
Now it is Friday. Mom has eaten well, she is eating on schedule by herself. I am getting away from her in the early morning and Mom is getting up and getting into breakfast by herself. This is a good sign, if I want to get a better job or a day job. I am waiting for word from Dr. Kovoor's nurse about Mom's blood.
Things seem to be going well all around. Rangers won, the bad weather has gone, Mom is all right. She is losing weight, she doesn't have the energy she once did, but she is aging at 92 1/2 years old. So maybe this is the way it is.
Mom wanted to go to Steak and Shake for the steak burger because she likes the taste. I tried to get her to eat just a bite or two of lettuce, which she refused. She knows I don't like it when she refuses to eat what's good for her. We are not speaking this afternoon. She is in her room, on her chair, doing nothing in particular. I am in this room, typing away, waiting to go to work. I have to wait until around 5 or 6 pm to leave. I'd like to leave right now, just to get away from her but that is not possible. So we have this stiff-necked truce, kind of like Lucy and Desi putting a clothesline down the middle of the living room because they are not speaking.
This will not go on forever, we live together so we cannot keep this up. I have lost the battle over food, she has won.
Friday, May 17, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--65
This is Monday. I decided to leave the apartment for the golf driving range, leaving the apartment for 2 hours. I wanted to get away from Mom, and I wanted to force her to do for herself. When I returned, she was eating breakfast herself. This was gratifying. We ate together, which encourages her. She has an aversion to eating alone.
I think she feels more alone than when she was alone. It's become something she feels like you feel heat or cold. So I sit with her, even if I don't eat or drink anything.
I am thinking about this because her disposition has improved so much in the last few weeks. Maybe I say this because I don't fear it when she misses a meal or doesn't eat as much as a younger person. Maybe my being less anxious about Mom's health has relaxed her, too.
We both have adjusted to each other's differing ways. I have learned how much nerves plays in health. To be able to do something without anxiety or self condemnation seems to contribute to health. Maybe health is 90% looking at yourself without incrimination.
Mom is losing weight. In an older person this is usually fatal. When your body can no longer reproduce cells, usually the end is in sight. I have not spoken to her about this, and I will not. Her loss of weight might be temporary or it might be a long slope down.
Tomorrow, I take my mother to one of her doctors. This is Dr. Kovoor, who is monitoring her blood after a cancer treatment. They test her blood for cancer cells,, but don't do anything else. Often her blood is anemic, but I don't think it will be tomorrow.
I think my mother is attracted to Kovoor's soft manners. I don't think he does anything for her but monitor her blood for cancer cells. But this is a big social event for Mom. He makes her feel taken care of, and my mother loves to be waited on.
This is Monday. I decided to leave the apartment for the golf driving range, leaving the apartment for 2 hours. I wanted to get away from Mom, and I wanted to force her to do for herself. When I returned, she was eating breakfast herself. This was gratifying. We ate together, which encourages her. She has an aversion to eating alone.
I think she feels more alone than when she was alone. It's become something she feels like you feel heat or cold. So I sit with her, even if I don't eat or drink anything.
I am thinking about this because her disposition has improved so much in the last few weeks. Maybe I say this because I don't fear it when she misses a meal or doesn't eat as much as a younger person. Maybe my being less anxious about Mom's health has relaxed her, too.
We both have adjusted to each other's differing ways. I have learned how much nerves plays in health. To be able to do something without anxiety or self condemnation seems to contribute to health. Maybe health is 90% looking at yourself without incrimination.
Mom is losing weight. In an older person this is usually fatal. When your body can no longer reproduce cells, usually the end is in sight. I have not spoken to her about this, and I will not. Her loss of weight might be temporary or it might be a long slope down.
Tomorrow, I take my mother to one of her doctors. This is Dr. Kovoor, who is monitoring her blood after a cancer treatment. They test her blood for cancer cells,, but don't do anything else. Often her blood is anemic, but I don't think it will be tomorrow.
I think my mother is attracted to Kovoor's soft manners. I don't think he does anything for her but monitor her blood for cancer cells. But this is a big social event for Mom. He makes her feel taken care of, and my mother loves to be waited on.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--64
As of Sunday morning, April never came. I was crushed in heart. I wanted so to see her, to have things between us be as good as they once were. I had to accept the fact that they never will be what they were 20 years ago. So I went to bed without being able to sleep right away. My emotions would not let me just sleep.
I wanted someone to resent, someone to blame but there is no one. So eventually I did fall asleep, without peace.
When I woke up, I knew I was going to church before April came for Mom. I knew it would be another time of not seeing my own daughter. But I have no choice. So I went to church. It was as if God paid me back some, because at church I received some attention from several other people. This is probably what church is supposed to be. And it did help me put my disappointment over not seeing April in some sort of perspective.
The pain lessened--for a time.
I came back from church to an empty apartment--a kind of relief. I got some sleep, then woke to go to the apartment exercise room. Then I came back and Mom arrived with my brother.
Phil was sick, so he didn't stay. Mom told me about the time she'd had. Ive noticed that when she comes back after being away from me for a time, I resent having to deal with her again. But we accomodated each other. April liked the gifts I gave her. That was gratifying to me. Mom told me she had told everyone how I have been taking care of her, and that was gratifying to her, also.
As of Sunday morning, April never came. I was crushed in heart. I wanted so to see her, to have things between us be as good as they once were. I had to accept the fact that they never will be what they were 20 years ago. So I went to bed without being able to sleep right away. My emotions would not let me just sleep.
I wanted someone to resent, someone to blame but there is no one. So eventually I did fall asleep, without peace.
When I woke up, I knew I was going to church before April came for Mom. I knew it would be another time of not seeing my own daughter. But I have no choice. So I went to church. It was as if God paid me back some, because at church I received some attention from several other people. This is probably what church is supposed to be. And it did help me put my disappointment over not seeing April in some sort of perspective.
The pain lessened--for a time.
I came back from church to an empty apartment--a kind of relief. I got some sleep, then woke to go to the apartment exercise room. Then I came back and Mom arrived with my brother.
Phil was sick, so he didn't stay. Mom told me about the time she'd had. Ive noticed that when she comes back after being away from me for a time, I resent having to deal with her again. But we accomodated each other. April liked the gifts I gave her. That was gratifying to me. Mom told me she had told everyone how I have been taking care of her, and that was gratifying to her, also.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--63
It is Saturday morning as I write this, 2am at work. I'm waiting so anxiously for April to come see my mother. I hope she can enjoy seeing me at the same time. She says she's stay overnight, but somehow I doubt that she will go through with that. I hope to see her for a few hours.
Sunday she and Mom will go over to Arlington to have Mother's Day with my brother's family. April has always preferred Phil and his family to me. This is heartbreaking, but I can't do anything about it. I did the best I could to raise April, but she has never been willing to return any love to me.
Still she turned out to be a great young lady and I am proud of her.
Mom has been good lately, as we sort of have leveled off our life into a routine. She did eat a huge breakfast this morning. I didn't ask her to eat much for lunch, so I hope she had the chicken and noodle soup I left her.
I got a serious offer for my old car today, I hope the person comes through with the $500 for it. I am already thinking of what life would be like without my old car. I've had it 5 years, spend a lot of money keeping it running.j It's big and comfortable and safe, but it's so old there are no parts for it any more.
Now it is Saturday at 1030am. We have had our usual cereal breakfast, I have gone to WalMart for some things and we are waiting on April to arrive. It is a beautifully cool day, a slight breeze with everybody out and about. Couldn't be more perfect for Dallas.
Mom is watching tv, as I am typing this.
It is Saturday morning as I write this, 2am at work. I'm waiting so anxiously for April to come see my mother. I hope she can enjoy seeing me at the same time. She says she's stay overnight, but somehow I doubt that she will go through with that. I hope to see her for a few hours.
Sunday she and Mom will go over to Arlington to have Mother's Day with my brother's family. April has always preferred Phil and his family to me. This is heartbreaking, but I can't do anything about it. I did the best I could to raise April, but she has never been willing to return any love to me.
Still she turned out to be a great young lady and I am proud of her.
Mom has been good lately, as we sort of have leveled off our life into a routine. She did eat a huge breakfast this morning. I didn't ask her to eat much for lunch, so I hope she had the chicken and noodle soup I left her.
I got a serious offer for my old car today, I hope the person comes through with the $500 for it. I am already thinking of what life would be like without my old car. I've had it 5 years, spend a lot of money keeping it running.j It's big and comfortable and safe, but it's so old there are no parts for it any more.
Now it is Saturday at 1030am. We have had our usual cereal breakfast, I have gone to WalMart for some things and we are waiting on April to arrive. It is a beautifully cool day, a slight breeze with everybody out and about. Couldn't be more perfect for Dallas.
Mom is watching tv, as I am typing this.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--62
Now it is Wednesday, the day for my Bible study. We went around this morning for several errands. I got a sandwich at 7-11 and we both came back to the apartment to take our naps. It is now 3pm.
The mail has come, although without any letter worth mentioning. My daughter April is coming Saturday and my brother's family is taking Mom out for Mother's Day on Sunday.
I had to clean the carpet last night, since my mother sometimes leaks on it. She doesn't see well enough to know what I cleaned up, only that the carpet looks better than it did.
Mom keeps saying she will come with me to the Bible study, but she never does. It's too easy to lay down in her easy chair every afternoon, especially now that it is getting warmer outside. Warm weather makes her drowsy and she doesn't feel like doing much.
I am at the point of wondering what is really important in life. I know that nearly everything that drew my attention when I was younger no longer does. It seems that I've thrown plenty of money at things which did me no good. Maybe that's something you say when you're older, and you can't do the things you wanted to, earlier.
Time has become an opposing enemy. It seems I have too much time, always waiting for a more eventuful day to come than the one I'm in. So much time between weekends, and then there's nothing to do on weekends now that I am nearly retired. Time seems so long, an interval I'd like to do away with, but can't. It reminds me of the Salvador Dali painting in which a clock melts over a tree branch, laying there without moving.
I don't know what I'm waiting for.
Now it is Wednesday, the day for my Bible study. We went around this morning for several errands. I got a sandwich at 7-11 and we both came back to the apartment to take our naps. It is now 3pm.
The mail has come, although without any letter worth mentioning. My daughter April is coming Saturday and my brother's family is taking Mom out for Mother's Day on Sunday.
I had to clean the carpet last night, since my mother sometimes leaks on it. She doesn't see well enough to know what I cleaned up, only that the carpet looks better than it did.
Mom keeps saying she will come with me to the Bible study, but she never does. It's too easy to lay down in her easy chair every afternoon, especially now that it is getting warmer outside. Warm weather makes her drowsy and she doesn't feel like doing much.
I am at the point of wondering what is really important in life. I know that nearly everything that drew my attention when I was younger no longer does. It seems that I've thrown plenty of money at things which did me no good. Maybe that's something you say when you're older, and you can't do the things you wanted to, earlier.
Time has become an opposing enemy. It seems I have too much time, always waiting for a more eventuful day to come than the one I'm in. So much time between weekends, and then there's nothing to do on weekends now that I am nearly retired. Time seems so long, an interval I'd like to do away with, but can't. It reminds me of the Salvador Dali painting in which a clock melts over a tree branch, laying there without moving.
I don't know what I'm waiting for.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
COMING TOGETHER--61
Now it is Monday. The weekend is over. We took laundry to the laundromat, went to have Mom's nails done, including her famous toenail, came back to the apartment with the laundry and mail. I slept for 4 hours, which is unusual for me. It's a long time to sleep and I needed it.
Now it is 4pm. Mom is putting away her laundry while I type this. Things are going along at work; I will not be allowed to have more than 24 hours at work, which is fine with me. It's almost like being retired yet having money coming in.
Right now, this is a good afternoon.
Mom and I ate well, so the evening has gone well. This is very nice and relaxing.
+++
Now it is Tuesday and we have not had a good day. Mom lay in bed for 13 hours, not sleeping, not getting up. I think she's depressed, her eyes wandering around the ceiling. It may be an attribute of old age to not have anything to look forward to; maybe it is an underlying depression which she does not have the energy to fight off. In any event, this made me mad at her.
So I decided to deal with my frustration against her by leaving her to herself. I left the apartment in a hurry. I left her to herself. My brother's wife called to invite her to a Mother's Day lunch on Sunday. It was that call only that got her out of bed. Then she wet her bed.
I have to work Sundays, so I refused to driver her over to my brother's for Mother's Day. She said someone else would. After I came back from exercise, she was out of bed, dressed for a trip to WalMart for a supply of feminine products. When we came back, she was in a reasonable mood.
I got a nap, got up and went to get pizza. Mom ate well and we watched the Ranger game until the Rangers fell too far behind. Now Mom is watching a cooking show and I am in here, typing this. She wants me to go back in to her room to find something on tv; to me that's selfish. She wants to take my time away from myself. I resent this. I think it's really selfish but maybe this is normal dynamic in relationships. She does this routinely and I despise it.
Maybe this thing of trying to talk me out of my own life is a trademark of loneliness. Whatever it is, I don't like it--she does. So I am refusing.
Now it is Monday. The weekend is over. We took laundry to the laundromat, went to have Mom's nails done, including her famous toenail, came back to the apartment with the laundry and mail. I slept for 4 hours, which is unusual for me. It's a long time to sleep and I needed it.
Now it is 4pm. Mom is putting away her laundry while I type this. Things are going along at work; I will not be allowed to have more than 24 hours at work, which is fine with me. It's almost like being retired yet having money coming in.
Right now, this is a good afternoon.
Mom and I ate well, so the evening has gone well. This is very nice and relaxing.
+++
Now it is Tuesday and we have not had a good day. Mom lay in bed for 13 hours, not sleeping, not getting up. I think she's depressed, her eyes wandering around the ceiling. It may be an attribute of old age to not have anything to look forward to; maybe it is an underlying depression which she does not have the energy to fight off. In any event, this made me mad at her.
So I decided to deal with my frustration against her by leaving her to herself. I left the apartment in a hurry. I left her to herself. My brother's wife called to invite her to a Mother's Day lunch on Sunday. It was that call only that got her out of bed. Then she wet her bed.
I have to work Sundays, so I refused to driver her over to my brother's for Mother's Day. She said someone else would. After I came back from exercise, she was out of bed, dressed for a trip to WalMart for a supply of feminine products. When we came back, she was in a reasonable mood.
I got a nap, got up and went to get pizza. Mom ate well and we watched the Ranger game until the Rangers fell too far behind. Now Mom is watching a cooking show and I am in here, typing this. She wants me to go back in to her room to find something on tv; to me that's selfish. She wants to take my time away from myself. I resent this. I think it's really selfish but maybe this is normal dynamic in relationships. She does this routinely and I despise it.
Maybe this thing of trying to talk me out of my own life is a trademark of loneliness. Whatever it is, I don't like it--she does. So I am refusing.
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