COMING TOGETHER--45

I thought she had given up driving--in her mind--but I was wrong. Yesterday she said she could drive again, but I said 'no.' She didn't argue the point any more, maybe because I keep reminding her of when she last drove she nearly hit a pedestrian right in front of her.

Her license is expired, and cut along the top, meaning she can't drive at night. If she confronts me about driving I will refuse. But as long as her car is there in the garage, she will want to drive.

She thinks she is getting better, but she isn't. She has not got any worse, as long as I am here to tell her what day it is and what she should do. Her vision is bad, her hearing is noticeably worse, her mind is in the first stages of dementia. But her heart and digestion systems are all right. In fact, they are good for her age.

But I don't believe she can't be left alone.

I am back at work, 8pm to 4am, so that I can take care of her during the day. I don't get more than 4 hours sleep but I have no choice. I feel like we are headed to some day of decision. Maybe to moving out to a care facility, maybe to me moving back to an apartment, maybe I'm just wishing my responsibility would have a day of ending this year.

COMING TOGETHER--44

Here on Wednesday, the day went well. Mom awoke but went to her tv chair too early in the morning. I criticized her for this, she said she'd come in the kitchen for breakfast and eventually did it. So I didn't say anythiing more.

I did my errands for us and brought her the coffee she likes best, as a reward for eating breakfast. I think she wants to be free of my telling her what to do, but she seems to know that I will say the same thing every day--eat real food and things go well.

We watched some baseball, I got us dinner at McDonalds and I went to my Bible study. When I came back, she had straightened up the kitchen, done a few chores, gone outside and was sitting up in her chair. All of that made me feel more like trusting her.

I know her mind is slowly eroding but her disposition is better every day. Tomorrow we will go do her taxes at HR Block. Friday I go back to work for the first time in 1 1/2 months. Saturday I will take her to have her hair done and then go to work. So maybe we have turned a corner and I can relinquish some of my worries and duties as her supervison.

Now it is Thursday, the day I take Mom to do her taxes.

We are back from the tax lady, Elaine. Mom had evidently thrown out some forms she needed. So we had to call two companies to have them mail the forms again. We are waiting on that.

We went to a cafeteria to eat. The food is good and generous, but Mom couldn't see what dessert she had chosen. It was so rich, it made her sick for an afternoon! She slept it off.

We watched an Agatha Christie video--Poirot--and then Rangers baseball came on tv. They won big, so the day ended well.

On the next day, Friday morning, I had to call Social Security early, 8am. I had to ask Mom to talk to them at that time and she remembered everything they asked her. She was great. I didn't think she could do it, being rudely awakened at 815am when she is usually in deep sleep. But she came through.

I am beginning to think she might live without me living here, if I come by two days a week to do things for her. I'm feeling the risk involved, but she is improving in health and attitude.

Her vision is not improving, it is getting worse. Her memory is not improving, either. But I can cover for that.

COMING TOGETHER--43

Now that it is Monday, Phil, my brother, is coming over to give me a few books. My mother suspects the worst. She fears Phil and his wife are getting a divorce, or that Phil wants her to move out of her apartment.

Well, nothing like that happened. Phil had some time to kill before a funeral so he gave me three Christian books, talked about himself for an hour, and then left.

Obviously Mom likes to function on the basis of her fears, of which there are many.

She has been eating a lot of ice cream when I am not at home. Still, she is eating well enough so that no ill effects show. I read 3 chapters of Mark Twain's Innocents Abroad to her. She likes that since reading is now a struggle.

I went to a barbecue place for dinner. Mom said repeatedly how much food I bought; it didn't seem like so much but when you're already full of ice cream maybe she was stuffed. One thing about it, she is staying awake longer than usual. I had been telling her that it isn't normal for someone to sleep as much as she does. Maybe that shook her enough to want to stay awake, or maybe the ice cream did it. Can't really tell.

She doesn't walk for exercise any more, she doesn't ride her stationary bicycle any more.

Anyway, as I write this it is 10pm at night. She is in her bed with the tv on, and I am sleepy.

This is Tuesday. Mom got up on her own, a bit earlier than usual. I had a breakfast sandwich from McDonalds, which she likes. She is awake, in her chair watching tv. She is not doing anything. She doesn't want to do anything.

I think she is depressed and probably always was. She covered her depression for years with social and church activities, but it probably was always there underneath.

I have been reading to her, and she likes that. I've been reading Mark Twain's Innocents Abroad, which is about travel. Twain went to places where my mother has been, so it is fairly interesting to her. Twain began at Gibraltar, then he went to Marseilles in France. Mom has been to Marseilles and through France. So this is going well.

I am having trouble finding things for us to do, and today is no exception. I don't have any email to answer, I can't write an article for Duckworks until I receive a book in the mail Thursday or Friday.

COMING TOGETHER--42

This is Saturday, the first day of bad weather since I moved in with my mother. It is raining now at 8am, cold and overcast. I know I'm going to have trouble getting my mother out of bed this morning. We go through this many mornings. She wants to curl up like a fetus and never get out of bed. I've been told this is really wrong, but for now we go on.

I have no way to stop this; even when we have good days the next morning she doesn't want to get out of bed. At times, I'd like for her to be in an assisted living place where I wouldn't have to struggle with her every morning. But I have no plan, no place that looks good. We just go on as we are.

Later, she did get up and eat well. I read Mark Twain to her, Innocents Abroad, which she enjoys. Her vision is so bad, she cannot enjoy reading anything. She has to use a magnifying glass to see any bill or anything at all.

Then we watched the Rangers on tv at 3pm until 5pm when we had a good dinner. She slept and I slept. A Beatles tribute band came on channel 13, but the music was almost boring, hearing it now. Not the same as 1965, when they were personalities and we were young.

So we went to bed kind of early, awaiting Palm Sunday tomorrow.

It is Sunday, cold and windy, almost like late Fall rather than late March. But Dallas always gets one cold front before Easter and then after Easter the summer heat begins to arrive.

It is 8am. I am up and ready to get dressed for church, but Mom is still in bed. We don't have to make any real move to get up and dressed until 830am.

Mom got herself up and dressed. We left in plenty of time, had a good time in church and ate at a new place. Mom ate well and we had ice cream afterward here at home. We are waiting for baseball at 3pm.

What I have realized now is how much of my mother's life is finding something to do. Fortunately she doesn't mind doing many of the same things every day--like reading in her favorite chair, sleeping in the afternoon, reading the mail, eating at 10am and 6pm.

But it's finding other activities, especially with those her own age. That she really doesn't like.

We ate steakburgers at Steakk & Ale,which she likes. It's the taste, not the nutrition and that's going to be a problem for her for the rest of her life. But she is eating well enough to be stable in her health. We are going on day-by-day. She seems to be all right, even at her age.

COMING TOGETHER--41

This is Thursday, the day we go to get my mother's hair color changed. She will be going a long time without food, I thought. So she actually had double the amount of cereal than usual. I think she didn't mean to pour out so much cereal, but she doesn't see well, so there it was. She did eat it all. This encourages me because she is not fighting against breakfast.

Then we left for the hair place a half hour early. Mom was there 1 1/2 hours, feeling waited on, which she loves. Then she said she had a restaurant for us to go to; I knew when she wouldn't tell me what it was that she was hiding it from me. It was the Cheesecake Factory. We went and the food was good. Mom had some lemon-flavored pie with whipped cream and strawberries. It stuffed her till she couldn't help but go to sleep. She went from being little-old-lady to looking like a beach ball.

When we got back to the apt., she went right to sleep!

Baseball tonight on tv.

This has been a day of pleasure.

She woke up soon afterward. We didn't do anything this afternoon, but we did see the Rangers game and then Mom went to sleep. I stayed up much later for the Ken Burns anthology of baseball on channel 13.

Good day.

This is Friday. We have had a good day. Mom ate well, I did some errands and we had a good dinner at Steak & Ale. I contacted my company about coming back to work, which I hope works out.

Mom has been in good spirits, as if she has learned to embrace a certain routine and get it out of the way. So we eat early, do some things in the middle of the day, then eat around 6-7pm and then watch baseball, if it's on.

If there's nothing on tv, Mom gets bored to the point of eating sweets and not doing her exercises. Finding something that interests her is the issue.

I know I can't do that for her. She needs activities with others, not me. I wonder if I am helping her live or not, but for now this is what we have. She needs activities that people her age do together. But for now, we go on.

COMING TOGETHER--40

Wednesday morning I did not try to get my mother up. I was worried about my mother's sleeping, so I called Nancy and Philip. We agreed to see how things went today.

I had errands to do, so when I got back home it was 10am and she was up.

Evidently the sprinkler system men had come to see her, checking the sprinkler system. That seemed to perk her up. Then I brought her 7-11 coffee, which she likes. She was in her chair, reading, not dressed but up. Then Bob Poteet called! This is an old guy from church who visits old people. He's foolishly objectionable, a bit of a buffoon but means well. He forgets where he's been. This is probably all he can do at this stage of his career in ministry.

Mom can't stand him, which is more funny than anything else. So when he called the day after she spent the day in bed, it was God's sense of humor. I have not met this guy, but I'll be watching him when he comes.

We have had a good lunch of peanut butter and jelly sandwich with apple juice. We're having a good day.

Bob showed up at 345pm. He's a chubby little guy, pleasant enough although not a burning intellectual. We talked about church and books both us of have read. So we prayed together, he left and we laughed. But you know, he's not so bad, he just doesn't know what to say to my mother. She doesn't know what to say to him.

And then Philip showed up with a half-gallon of ice cream. It was like insulting all that I had done up to this point. He was supposed to bring a pint. Now I don't know how her eating is going to go. That made my evening depressing.

COMING TOGETHER--39

Now it is Tuesday. This was a checkered day. I used the internet early after Mom ate Cheerios and Totall together, like yesterday.

Then she said she wanted to go get her nails done, so I volunteered to take her. That took a long time. I was frustrated at how long it took, but we didn't say anything to each other until we got home. I got a steak burger at Steak and Ale.

When we got back it was 2pm. She slept in her chair until 5pm. That was normal. I thought everything was going to turn out well, but I was wrong. She woke up and said she was going to her bed. I felt like something is really wrong with this. She's never wanted to withdraw into her bed in the middle of the afternoon, but I said nothing.

I tried to call my brother and a man I know to talk about this, but neither of them were home. I realized I would have to handle this alone. So I made up some excuses to go into her bedroom and turn on the light. That woke her up, I hope it irritated her but she said nothing. She just wants to shrivel up and not wake up.

I don't know how serious this is. I'm not qualified to believe I should jerk her out of bed or just leave her alone. So I turned the light on, made enough noise to awaken her and then leave. I turned the radio on loud enough for her to hear it. I hope she cannot sleep.

She says she is all right, but I don't believe anything she says. Maybe she is shutting down, and I should let her go. I simply don't know what this 16 hours in bed means.

This is still Tuesday. I am scheduled to go to a Bible study tomorrow. If I go, she will go to bed and not wake up until the next day. If I don't go, I can't say she will do anything any different. The next day is Thursday, she is scheduled to have her hair color changed. I don't really think she will even remember. But maybe so. Maybe this is just one night and then she'll be back to normal. But then what? Will she be stronger Thursday, or weaker?

I just don't know.

She got back out of bed at 930pm, and seems to be all right. She is in her chair, reading one of her romance novels. I feel like I might have done the right thing. I hope so.