COMING TOGETHER--20

This morning is much better. Her doctor called at 930am, the exact time I usually have to drag her out of bed. They did it for me. Then she got up, evidently feeling like she needed to act differently toward me.

She came in the kitchen, asking what I would want for breakfast. So instead of me having to force cereal down her, she is trying to make breakfaast for both of us. She accepted the apple juice today which she rejected yesterday.

Her attitude is better and we both ate in a strained lack of talk. We were both walking on glass, careful of what to say.

Gradually we learned to get along better, probably the way we should have all along. I thought, I should not have forced her out of bed; I should have prayed that God would go before me.

　

COMING TOGETHER--21

We have had another good day. Mom has gotten herself up again, even at 9am! This is good news. I was going to leave her but if she continues to co-operate like this, I will change my mind. She accepted the apple juice that she rejected before, she ate a good breakfast. So things are much better than they were. I like this.

I've been able to get my writing done, I've taken a short nap, and we have gotten along much better than before.

In fact, Mom is actually out walking without being prompted by me or anyone else--this is good.

COMING TOGETHER--18

Last night Mom said she would eat meatloaf for dinner, but she lied. She did not, probably had no intention of eating it. Right now it is 830am, she is lying in bed. I expect to have to get her out of bed at 930; I expect to have to make her eat breakfast when she does get up. This is going to be a bad day. I despise a liar and I have to accept the fact that she is willing to lie or do anything to get her way, even if it kills her.

At first I was angry at this. But it's my fault for thinking she would ever be anything but the manipulator she's always been. This makes any good time we might have had before seem phony.

I might have to accept she will not eat more than once a day. I have to accept what she really is and she will do this again.

　

COMING TOGETHER--19

Today was contentious. I had to take her to her hairdresser, although I didn't really have to. There was much antagonism between us all day. She told me to bring her lunch while she sat under the hairdresser, which I did. I knew I was being treatted like a slave but I did it because I had been hard on her.

When we got home, Jack came by. He was a blessing from God.

She began to tell him how great she was. I felt urged within myself to contradict her, so I did. And in front of him. That ruined the phony act she was putting on about being so good. She likes to tell people how well she eats, when this is a lie. She told Jack how much she walks around the property when she does no such thing.

After a while, she told me to leave the room. She went into her haughty act with Jack because he actually came to ask for money for his daughter. Giving money makes her feel good, so she did it.

I left for work, thinking, I have to get out of ths arrangement with her. I have to get out of her apartment and away from her. So I went on to work, trying to feel free of her clinginess and her deceptions. At work I emailed my daughter and sister about the truth of this situation.

　

COMING TOGETHER--16

It has been a long day. I am back at the apartment,with my mother at the hotel. We probably need to be separated. She likes being waited on, I do not like waiting on her.

I went out to a store after dropping her off. I just needed to find my own life again after 4 weeks of her. I'm very sleepy.

I can't sleep all through the night. Probably lack of nutrittion or something. I'm beginning to not want to be here, although I have nothing really iimportant to do elsewhere.

In a way, it's better not having her here, or so it seems. This drains me since all the people who might help me or show some support for me are not in my family. They are at a church. I feel drained, a dry throat in a desert. It is 120am in the morrning, and I wish the time would just go away.

　

COMING TOGETHER--17

I have come to the hotel. I saw Mom walking to the registration desk, dressed and ready to check out. This is wonderful. She is ready to go. So we went to the restaurant for breakfast.

Mom was in a wonderful mood. The night away from me and the apartment did as much for her as for me. We sat down to order. The breakfast was awesome and expensive. We both enjoyed ourselves and had a good talk.

The hotel has a Black church convention on the 3rd floor. There were people everywhere. And they were well-dressed. So we ate in the restaurant with many others.

Mom and I had a good talk during breakfast. When we came back to her apartment, where I crashed asleep. Mom is not being difficult or lazy or refusing to do what she should.

COMING TOGETHER--15

Today we had a crisis. The carpet cleaners came in, and they have a solution that takes 6 hours to dry. My mother said she wanted us to go to a hotel for the night. She didn't want to walk in the carpet until tomorrow. I refused to go. She hated me for that. She told me she hated me for making her eat breakfast. She said she'd tell everyone what a mean man I am.

So she tried to go to sleep in the kitchen until tomorrow when she'll let herself walk on the carpet. But it didn't work. She slept for an hour, then woke up and told me she was going for a walk. As I write this, she is off walking.

We may not get along well from now on. I know I have to make her eat breakfast but she will scheme something. She will scheme something while she is walking.

I suppose this was inevitable. We never got along, really. She always said I've wasted my life. She's always said she didn't like anything I was interested in. And I think I have begun to lose patience with her. We will have to create some sort of settled divide.

My mother is home now from her walk. She had to cut it short, sneezing and coughing with the pollen from the trees. She seems more reasonable but now she's sleeping in her chair. I think I need to spend less time with her, at the least.

Maybe this will blow over.

I played a big band cd on my laptop and that seemed to break the ice. Gradually she has warmed up and begun to speak to me. She will have to walk on the cleaned carpet to get her things for the hotel! Ha! But she knows that. Now she is preparing to spend the night in a hotel.

I won't be with her--unless something happens.

COMING TOGETHER--14

My brother's wife came over to take my mother out to lunch. They're like two cats fighting. They argue over who will pay, they keep accounts against each other--'No, I'll pay, no I'll pay'...and this goes on and on. They both think throwing money around makes them superior to the other. Two controlling women at each other.

Neither one seems to have any notion of forgiveness or love. Neither one of them seems to have any notion of being unselfish.

So I just left them to their stupid fighting. I went away to do some jogging and throw the baseball around a field.

But if I don't forgive them for them being who they are, I would be just like them. I wish my family could actually be a family, not just a forced group standing there, arguing, trying to be superior, being fools.

All of this has made me realize the wisdom of getting away from the past. My sister Nancy got away from here. She married a man who was not anything like her father, she got away from Texas and she has not returned. I wish I had done that, gone somewhere else, been someone else. But it's too late for that.

COMING TOGETHER--13

Today went well, in fact, my mother seems to be getting adjusted to getting up and having breakfast. I had my schedule changed today. I went to work at noon, coming home at 8pm.

When I came home, I frightened mom. She forgot I was coming home at 845pm, she thought I was an intruder. Her heart raced, which actually is a good sign. I'll have to call her before I get home. We had some fruit in her kitchen together and she is better now.

Her mind is improving, showing some interest in other things than her usual stuff. She is still up at 9pm at night, and that is good, also.

I have felt great stress. I have felt great fatigue and sleeplessness. I have wondered how long I can go on doing this, living with my mother and taking care of her and me and two cars and two bank accounts and other sruff. I have felt a sense of death and doom, wishing it could lift somehow.

But now I feel better.

COMING TOGETHER-12

Today is Sunday. We were supposed to go to church. My mother said she'd get up at 730am, but all she did was turn over to put the alarm clock out of her misery.

I should have known she wasn't going to get up on her own. I got up on 3 hours sleep for no reason.

So I am going to church by myself, which I probably prefer anyway. It is 830am as I write this. The birds are out, the mild sun is upon us in a chilly way, and I am all right. My mother is sleeping, but not really asleep. She is being lazy.

I told her I would not force her out of bed like I did the last few days. My anxiety makes me wish I could get her up before I leave, but I gave my word.

When she heard me open the garage door, she stirred. She did roll out of bed, get dressed and finally we did walk out of the house to church. We were 20 minutes late. I've never been late for church before but we ended up sitting on the front row--kind of exposed to everyone's view!

Actually church went well. I'm glad I went. I'm glad I took my mother.

What have I learned in all this?

That when the end is good, the means don't have to go my way.

God has many routes to the same destination.

My mother is not sleeping all day today. She is in good spirits, and some of my old selfishness is coming out. Today was more about me and my immaturity than about my mother.