COMING TOGETHER--13

Today went well, in fact, my mother seems to be getting adjusted to getting up and having breakfast. I had my schedule changed today. I went to work at noon, coming home at 8pm.

When I came home, I frightened mom. She forgot I was coming home at 845pm, she thought I was an intruder. Her heart raced, which actually is a good sign. I'll have to call her before I get home. We had some fruit in her kitchen together and she is better now.

Her mind is improving, showing some interest in other things than her usual stuff. She is still up at 9pm at night, and that is good, also.

I have felt great stress. I have felt great fatigue and sleeplessness. I have wondered how long I can go on doing this, living with my mother and taking care of her and me and two cars and two bank accounts and other sruff. I have felt a sense of death and doom, wishing it could lift somehow.

But now I feel better.

COMING TOGETHER-12

Today is Sunday. We were supposed to go to church. My mother said she'd get up at 730am, but all she did was turn over to put the alarm clock out of her misery.

I should have known she wasn't going to get up on her own. I got up on 3 hours sleep for no reason.

So I am going to church by myself, which I probably prefer anyway. It is 830am as I write this. The birds are out, the mild sun is upon us in a chilly way, and I am all right. My mother is sleeping, but not really asleep. She is being lazy.

I told her I would not force her out of bed like I did the last few days. My anxiety makes me wish I could get her up before I leave, but I gave my word.

When she heard me open the garage door, she stirred. She did roll out of bed, get dressed and finally we did walk out of the house to church. We were 20 minutes late. I've never been late for church before but we ended up sitting on the front row--kind of exposed to everyone's view!

Actually church went well. I'm glad I went. I'm glad I took my mother.

What have I learned in all this?

That when the end is good, the means don't have to go my way.

God has many routes to the same destination.

My mother is not sleeping all day today. She is in good spirits, and some of my old selfishness is coming out. Today was more about me and my immaturity than about my mother.

COMING TOGETHER-12

Today is Sunday. We were supposed to go to church. My mother said she'd get up at 730am, but all she did was turn over to put the alarm clock out of her misery.

I should have known she wasn't going to get up on her own. I got up on 3 hours sleep for no reason.

So I am going to church by myself, which I probably prefer anyway. It is 830am as I write this. The birds are out, the mild sun is upon us in a chilly way, and I am all right. My mother is sleeping, but not really asleep. She is being lazy.

I told her I would not force her out of bed like I did the last few days. My anxiety makes me wish I could get her up before I leave, but I gave my word.

When she heard me open the garage door, she stirred. She did roll out of bed, get dressed and finally we did walk out of the house to church. We were 20 minutes late. I've never been late for church before but we ended up sitting on the front row--kind of exposed to everyone's view!

Actually church went well. I'm glad I went. I'm glad I took my mother.

What have I learned in all this?

That when the end is good, the means don't have to go my way.

God has many routes to the same destination.

My mother is not sleeping all day today. She is in good spirits, and some of my old selfishness is coming out. Today was more about me and my immaturity than about my mother.

COMING TOGETHER--11

I have been think about my mother's life and death. Her body is not supporting her own life; she does not get any better when she eats. I am reviving her body once a day and then she slumps again that night.

I wonder if the morning will come when I must decide to revive her or not I do not want that decision; I want God to take her life before that happens. I won't feel morally guilty but it will excavate something from me which will never come back.

It is too close to determining her life and death. And that has sunk my heart. I can't say I am not affected by this. It may be the, you must lose your life to find it. I do not look forward to the morning when I must decide to stop feeding her or stop making her get up.

She may ask me to stop. Should I keep this to myself? Could I ever keep this to me?

Would it a form of death upon me if I did let her go?

I think maybe it is. Attachments are painful, yet they are what we have. The only thing I can think of to alleviate this is God. I have been up this night, staring at the stars, the blank night. I know I have done what is right before now but I don't have what is out there now.

It makes me wonder, in what way I am responsible for what comes tomorrow? Some sort of other responsibility, no doubt. I watch my mother breathe in her bed--like a child, yet at the end of life. A sneaking out, a door closing, a breath ending as it once began 92 years ago.

COMING TOGETHER--10

It is the next day. We went through the same, 'I don't want to get up,' routine as yesterday. But Mom was not so depressed as yesterday. Once she gets up she is all right.

She does eat slowly, move slowly, think slowly. I have to keep this in mind when I make her get up.

Tomorrow is Sunday. I will go to church and let Mom sleep as long as she wants. I've told her that already. Maybe I should not get her up the way I'm doing now. We will see what happens tomorrow.

Right now Mom is watching some television show that seems like a teenager adventure show. She likes that action, imagining herself as being there, as being that young.

COMING TOGETHER--9

Now it is afternoon. Mom is feeling much better. Evidently the meat loaf or the chocolate has really helped her. I saw her with a straighter back this afternoon. She is encouraged by this just as I am. She is staying awake all day now and I like that very much. This has turned into a good day for both of us.

How did this happen? I think when she sleeps her heart rate gets so slow, parts of her brain shut down for the night. That makes her feel depressed and wonder why she even wants to live. When her blood circlulates, then the chemical balance in her brain brings every part of her to life, and she feels fine.

The same chemistry which gives her a remarkable memory betrays her. The only remedy for her is to get up and get moving. And we will have to go through this every day.

COMING TOGETHER--8

My mother has been lying to me about walking outside the apartment. She says she's going to go get her mail but then she just lays down and goes to sleep. I am angry about her lying more than anything.

I've thought about telling her she's a liar, I've thought about physically making her walk or about calling the physical therapist back against her wishes. Right now she is asleep, so I will just have to see what hasppens today.

I think I will have to be patient for the time being until I can show my mother the seriousness of what she's doing. It is nearly time to wake her up.

This might be our only real problem, but then that might be wishful thinking. Maybe this is typical--there is one area in which the elderly person just doesn't want to co-operate. I know it is easier for mom to do nothing due to age. I saw this with my uncle. Now I have to deal with it and it is unpleasant. But here we are. She might like to go to sleep and not wake up, but I have to get her up.

I have to get her up. She hates to get out of bed. This morning she called me 'mean' because I made her get up. I took this humorously. I had to prod her, argue with her, push her, make her get out of bed.

But once she got out of bed she was all right.

Once she gets her blood circulating she is all right.

Later in the morning, we were speaking of the end of her life. She doesn't seem to fear death any more. She said, 'When my number is up, it's up.'

Maybe sleeping slips her into depression.